Mixed Bag Of Rant

As you know from so many of my rants, I have been plagued with infertility since, well, what seems like forever.

I was two weeks away from an ultrasound that would yet again determine whether not I would need to undergo a hysterectomy to rid myself of the ovarian cysts that had attacked my ovary and the relentless pain of endometriosis.

Starting around the week of April 22nd, I noticed that my running was getting very difficult. Despite 2 years of training and regular running, I found myself to be heavy and sluggish. I was getting side cramps more than usual and my pace had really slowed down. When I ran the Get In Gear 5K on the 27th of April, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I found the race extremely difficult. I was hot. Exhausted. Sore. While I never walked, I was slow. In my final push towards the finish line, I honestly felt like throwing up.

I was blaming a lot of my issues on PMS. I was bloated (which I thought was the cause of my slow running), hungry and wickedly bitchy. I had been expecting my period on the day of the Get in Gear. It didn’t come. I didn’t think about it too much. It wouldn’t have been the first time I had a longer cycle and I didn’t think much of it. However, all week, a very heavy fatigue had come over me.

On Thursday, May 2, the day after my birthday, and my period nearly a week late, I thought, “Oh, what the hell. I’ll take a pregnancy test. It’s not like it will be positive or anything.” Until I saw this:

OH my sweet Jesus. Shaking, I just stared at this test in disbelief.

Is it possible that after 4 years, 2 invasive surgeries and a doctor telling me, “No way in hell,” that this is true?

So, I ran to Target to buy more tests. I got this:

Yup. That is a 2nd line. It’s not dark but it’s there. Holy shit.

Another couple days led to this:

It all became clear. The fatigue. The soreness (yeah… my boobs feel like they have taken a beating). The MORNING SICKNESS. Oh dear god. The morning sickness. I had forgotten how hideous it was. I had forgotten how it can make a totally amazing miracle such as this seem like quite frankly, death. I hate saying that know most of us infertiles would give anything for it, but I would be lying if I said it was wonderful. I am non-functional. Cannot concentrate. Trying desperately not to throw up at work. I’m so tired that it hurts. Oh, if only I could bypass the 1st trimester and fast forward into the blissfully adorable 2nd trimester.

When I got these BFP’s I swore that I would continue trying to exercise and run (HAHAHAHAHAHA). That I would eat healthy (BWAHAHAHAHA). Seriously. No go on both. My exhaustion and paranoia has quickly squashed any notions of exercising not to mention my debilitating nausea doesn’t help with that motivation. As far as eating healthy? My body appears to be rejecting it. I didn’t feel great until I had a hot ham and cheese and fries the other day.

I swear, if one more person tells me they didn’t have morning sickness when they were pregnant, I will hurt them. And no, dear husband, it is NOT IN MY HEAD.

Did I mention that I am emotionally unstable?

While we have told most of our close friends and family, we are still keeping this news from the larger Facebook world for awhile. At 7 weeks 6 days pregnant, it is still very early and I am very paranoid (and rightfully so). However I am choosing to out myself here on my blog because I MISS MY BLOG. I had to chuckle a little bit when a fellow weight loss blogger posted her pregnancy announcement and brought up the fact that when a weight loss blogger stops posting it means they are pregnant. So, very true! It was nearly impossible to write about anything without my pregnancy being a factor in every topic in my life. This is my home for venting, ranting and talking about my most important milestones- I simply cannot be without it any longer!

Everything is perfect so far. My numbers are good (the important ones such as HCG and progesterone), my doctor is tickled that I am sick as a dog and baby is doing fantastic and has a strong & fast heartbeat.

Baby K’s First Photo

Okay, so yes, despite my discomforts which you will hear much about in the months to come and my now too tight size 8 pants, I am completely relishing in this unbelievable miracle. It is as if God said, “No, you are not done yet.” I am beyond blessed. I know this. I’m not sure there are words to describe our shock and amazement. All we can do is just keep thanking God for this beautiful miracle and no matter how miserable I feel, not take a second of it for granted.