Mixed Bag Of Rant

Anyone who has been reading my blog long enough knows that I am an absolute American Idol freak. So, as expected, I was watching last night’s premier in full force. Not only was I excited that it has started again, but they kicked off the season in Minneapolis!! My home sweet home!

Most importantly, I am just happy to have a new distraction at home and get my mind off of my 15th two week wait. This month is especially weird for my wait because of this month’s trigger shot of HCG. It is still in my system (still testing positive on all my HPT’s) so it is hard to know if I’m having any symptoms at all. Anything I am feeling can be so directly related to the Clomid and trigger. On the other hand, it has been kind of nice to know that there is no real way of knowing and that it is out of my hands until either AF does or doesn’t show.

I have to discuss the drama that has been taking over my fertility community. MY GOODNESS!!! I’m more of a lurker than a poster, I post within the On Clomid board and a smaller group of gals who started cycles of Clomid together. It is where I lurk that has been exciting lately!! The battle between TTC #5 and TTC #1 Over 12 Months (me). Basically the gals in TTC #1 have been quite particular about who they let into their forum. It was formed to give support, to girls like me, who kind of don’t fit into any other categories. Our journey to have children has not been an easy one. Many, like myself, have suffered from miscarriages, are all on some sort of treatment ranging from Clomid to IVF. Most are very sensitive about the fact that we have never had a child and have not been able to. TTC #5 took a few comments personally and started bashing back with comments like: “They shouldn’t have waited so long to have children” (as if I had so many options to give birth in my early 20’s), and “Is it my fault they are infertile?” and other such hurtful comments. Bottom line is: someone who has a child (and 4 of them mind you) simply does not understand how much infertility sucks. All I have ever wanted to do is get married and have a family. I am a Christian and of course was going to wait until I got married to have kids. Well, I didn’t get married until I was 29 and believe me, we wasted no time starting to TTC. Getting a BFP quickly, I was naive. I never thought in a million years that I would miscarry, but I did and it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. I have not been blessed with a BFP since. The past year has been a rocky road with ups and downs and filled with so many hopes and dreams that get consistently shattered with a new BFN every month. It just kills me to see pregnant women, pictures of beautiful babies, and woman after woman in my forums getting their BFP’s. So, if you wonder why I can’t be around TTC #5 this is why.

One important decision that “Joe” and I have made is to have a cutoff date. A date when we are simply just done with IF treatments and ready to move on with our lives. That date is May 31st. At that time, I will stop BBT, OPK’s, POAS addiction, my fertility charting and anything else that goes with it and leave it up to God’s good grace. I will likely remain on vitamins “just in case” but at that point, I will no longer by “trying”. We have made the decision not to adopt for many reasons, but most importantly because we don’t have $15,000 lying around to make it happen. My husband and I have a lot of love for each other and will lead a happy life just the two of us. We’ll travel the world and experience life as much as possible. I will also work to be the best aunt that I can be to my two nephews- they will be my babies to spoil!

I will be okay!