I can’t even begin to say how heartbroken I am for yet another BFN (big fat NO) month. I’m not sure why this month is affecting me more than usual… after 15 months of this nightmare, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. Yet, I’m hurting. I’m tired. I’m sad. I just feel like I’m running out of options! Being the Christian I am, I am struggling with why I am not trusting His grace to help me have a child. I often feel guilty for leading the lifestyle I once did and guilty for being a sinner as I know I am. If this is my punishment, it is a harsh one. I truly do not wish this on anyone and my heart goes out to all those women out there who have to deal with infertility. I am someone who has always had a good handle on my mental health and my emotions, but this has me completely out of control. I’ve never been on such a roller coaster of emotions- one day being so optimistic and SURE then next being at the lowest point. I don’t know how to make it better! I’m not dealing well and wish I knew what to do.
Since we are starting to think about the possibility of IVF, I have chosen along with my “Joe” to restart my fitness program. The IVF clinic requires patients to be between a specific BMI and right now I am teetering at the highest part of that rung. I would like to reach my 10% loss before I go there- knowing that will be a big part of what they will want to see. I guess my taking action and being proactive about all this does in part make me feel stronger. I’m not a quitter, I’m certainly not patient, and I refuse to give up this hope. I WILL have a baby before I’m 35!!
At this point right now, I am currently waiting to hear back from my OB/Gyn on our current next steps. I’m assuming yet another round of Clomid, more ultrasounds, a likely trigger shot, and hopefully, depending on timing, they will let us do an IUI. At LEAST they know this isn’t in my head and there actually is an obvious problem with us getting pregnant!!
I will also go and drown my sorrows tonight in a large amount of wine.