Mixed Bag Of Rant

Many moons ago, my best friend and I had booked and planned a summer girl’s getaway. The plan was to stay at a rustic, off the beaten path cabin resort in Wisconsin Dells where we would drink, lay on the beach by the river, swim and party at the clubs all night. Fast forward a couple months to my shocking BFP and well… that plan is pretty much off the table. Knowing that 90% of the above would not be happening on this trip, I gave my bestie an out. I told her I would go on vacation with her but it would be mostly laying around with the potential of a lazy tubing trip down the river and a bedtime of around 9pm every night. To say she wasn’t enthused was an understatement. So, we vowed we would make this trip happen someday and I invited my husband and son to join me on this vacation instead.

At 16 weeks pregnant, I had hoped I would be feeling better, but alas, the exhaustion and nausea that has plagued me since about week 4 was ever present. We started our trip with the firm understanding that there wasn’t much I was going to be able to do much and my husband would have to take the bulk of chasing our sub-5 year old through the waterparks.

We stayed at the River’s Edge resort and it was perfection. Unless we visit in the middle of winter, we will be coming back to this place for many years to come. I was a bit nervous when we pulled up as there was a group of young 20-something girls in bikinis outside the main office smoking and drinking. I thought, oh god. What am I exposing my young boy to?? We made our way to our room which was somewhat like a studio apartment with a kitchenette, dining room table, two full-size beds (yikes… for those marrieds who are used to a king, a full-size bed may as well be a twin), couch, full bath and cable TV. What more do you need, right? The only negative about this place were the beds. They were pretty hideous. Both the hubs and I woke up with stiff backs every morning and despite our efforts to stuff the edge of the bed with pillows our wild child sleeper did fall out of bed and bonk his head on the end table one night.

On our first night, we decided to take the kiddo down to the river for a swim. I was happy to see TONS of families with small children so I know we didn’t end up at some crazy frat party resort. Jack had a blast swimming and jumping in the river- we had a hard time dragging him out!

The next two days to follow were full days at the waterparks. Day 1 was Noah’s Ark (and my personal favorite) and day 2 was at the Kalahari Resort. I spent most of my time hanging out in the lazy river and also doing a little child chasing as the kiddo hit the kids areas of these parks (which are actually quite expansive). I had a hard time keeping up with him. The boys had an absolute blast which was fun to watch. I HIGHLY recommend renting a cabana. It was so nice to have a place to rest out of the sun, a secure place to lock up our items and someone waiting on you. We didn’t have one at the Kalahari as the prices were outrageous, but I secretly wished we did.

Kalahari slide- this was Jack’s favorite of the weekend.

Where I was when I was not on the lazy river.

Chillaxin in the cabana

Lazy river!

My boys.

It turned out to be one of the best family vacations we have ever been on. It may have even trumped Disney *gasp* at least according to Jack. He said to me last night, “Mommy, I like Wisconsin Dells better than Disney.” Perhaps it was all the waiting in lines? Not enough time spent swimming? He was too young to truly enjoy the magic of Disney? Hopefully, he will change his mind as we are planning to go back in a few years. Needless to say, this vacation was a little bittersweet as it may just be the last time we have a vacation with just the 3 of us.

I ended the weekend on a fabulous note by seeing the NKOTB concert with my sister and sister-in-law! As always, it was a trip back to the past with Boys 2 Men singing “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye” (which I believe was sung at my high school graduation), watching hottie Nick Lachey strut around (although I found their set to be a bit boring) and of course NKOTB bringing me back to age 13. SO much fun!

My sisters

Having a beer on my behalf 🙂

NKOTB! I couldn’t get a good picture for the life of me.

On another note, the pregnancy is going well. Despite my illness, at my checkup this week my blood pressure is good, urine is clean (aka, not spilling any protein or sugar), I have only gained 10 lbs so far (no thanks to my neverending nausea and lack of desire to eat anything whatsoever) and baby’s heart is thumping away in the 150’s.

16 weeks from the front

16 week belly from the side

Baby is the size of an avocado this week and I’m starting to really feel kicks and movement! I don’t mind feeling sick every day just to have this experience. It’s wonderful!

P.S. I’m actually 17 weeks as of yesterday… just a little behind on my blogging. Just 2 weeks until we find out- pink or blue!

This pregnancy has seriously made me feel bi-polar. I have really high highs and really low lows. It seems just about anything will make me cry- even the happy stuff. I feel… a little cray cray. Don’t get me wrong here- I am beyond elated about this baby. However, regardless of how fantastic and wonderful it all is, it is still a massive life shift. I went from very honestly being at peace with our little family. Planning vacations. Planning to run a half marathon. It took a lot out of me to put the breaks on everything we were planning. I feel kind of bad saying that, but it’s the truth.

I also feel out of the loop. I know my friends understand. I haven’t been well for my entire first trimester. I haven’t made that a secret. I just feel sad… sad that I have to turn things down. Sad that I don’t have the energy or the will to spend time with them. On the same token, many of them haven’t made the effort to come to me either. It sort of made me realize what a giver I have been all along and how little I ask for in return.

It just seems as though my emotions are magnified by 110%. The things I miss… I often miss them to the point of heartache. These things range from old friends to running to even having a beer on a hot summer night. They are all kind of silly things to miss, I know this.

I am amazed at how quickly I can fly off the handle. My husband finds this hilarious. Probably my best rage to date was sitting down for a family lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings to not ever be waited on. 15 minutes. No server. No nothing. Nobody even looked our way. Telling someone was not an option. We were all miserable being in this busy place. As we were leaving, the hostess cheerily said, “Thanks so much for coming, have a great day!” To which I replied in anger, “It would have been a great day had someone actually waited on us.” We proceeded to Applebees where we were happily greeted, seated and served within less than 5 minutes. Fail BWW. Fail. And we loved you so much.

I have had a number of discussions with my husband about trying to deflect PPD this time around. I have to chuckle, because he talks as though it is mind over matter. It is so much more than that and virtually uncontrollable. Just like my pregnancy emotions. The hormonal response to pregnancy, birth and everything thereafter is crazy and believe me, I wish I had more control over it.

All I can do is apologize in advance and just remind everyone that comes in my path: I mean no harm.

At 15 weeks I have still had some bouts with some debilitating nausea. However, I have noticed that it seems to be driven by either heartburn or acid reflux (or both?). The good news, is that by controlling the heartburn, I can control the nausea. Food still tastes gross or at least, not exactly right. This is all food. How I have managed to gain 9 pounds to this point is kind of a mystery as my consumption has been WAY down in the last couple weeks. I have worked really hard to change some of my 1st trimester habits (even though I still don’t feel good) and take healthier snacks with me to work such as fruit, cheese and granola bars as opposed to a bag of chips. With 25 weeks to go, I am technically only allowed to gain 15 more pounds, so I need to watch it. I am also working on making nightly walks a priority. They don’t need to be far or fast, they just need to happen. I’m starting to feel the strains RLP (round ligament pain) as my uterus starts to grow and make room for baby and I’m not going to lie, it hurts. I have a feeling sciatic pain is coming too as my butt and legs are hurting after camping out at my desk all day- it is getting more and more important to move around.

Most importantly, I am excited. I look pregnant (currently in a cute little belly way). I was told by my intern that I looked glowing and beautiful (brownie points???). I always wondered if I had the “glow” and often wondered what the hell that actually means, but I’ve been complimented a lot lately so maybe there is something to it? Even my sweet Jackson told me the other day when I got home, “You look pretty, Mommy.” Aww! I bought baby’s first “item”- a newborn cradle/rocker that will be in our bedroom for the first month (or more..). An issue that we had with Jackson as a newborn is that he hated, and I mean HATED lying on his back. We swaddled him like a little burrito, played cricket sounds, lullabyes… you name it and nothing worked until we let him sleep in his carseat one night. He slept through the night. For like 8 hours. Bliss. I am happy they actually make safer items to reflect that some babies just sleep better with a little elevation- this sleeper is perfect and got awesome reviews. I’m so excited. We are a little less than a month away from finding out if our baby will be wearing blue or pink! I can honestly, HONESTLY say… I will be thrilled no matter what. I love my little boy and having another to love on me? How could I ever be disappointed with that. Probably the biggest milestone yet is the beginning of the flutters!!! By far feeling the baby kick and squirm around is THE BEST part of pregnancy. Therefore we have re-nicknamed our nugget to squirmy.

We are also excited to move Jack to his “big boy room”. Even though it is a little smaller than his original nursery, it will be his. He will get to pick out new paint for the walls, we got him a cool new ceiling fan and he is getting a new twin bed. The room is right across from “his” bathroom (hopefully that means no more bugging us in the middle of the night to use our master bath) and it will be far enough down the hall that he won’t be disturbed by a crying baby (we hope).

So despite all of these crazy hormone swings, I am in a good place.

Here is my 15 week belly:

And here is how big little squirmy is:
My little naval orange!

I made it! We are officially in the 2nd trimester!

If there is one thing this pregnancy has done, it has done a number on my emotions and self-esteem. As much as I want to eat healthy and make amazing choices for my baby, I also have this driving desire just to get through the dang day. Sometimes that means potato chips. And popcorn. And despite my stomach’s revulsion to it, frozen yogurt. I’m going to gain weight. I don’t want to, but it is inevitable. I am constantly reminding myself that I weigh 40 pounds less than I did when I was pregnant with my Jackson. It is a constant battle in my brain every day that all of this is OKAY.

I signed up for the Healthy Living, Healthy Pregnancy program through my insurance and employer. On the upside, I get tons of free shit like the Mayo Healthy Pregnancy book and a $50 Visa Gift Card after I give birth. I have a dedicated nurse that will call me every 6-8 weeks and I can call her anytime as well. Sounds great, right? Well, I got a little pissed off at nursey in my initial consultation. Here’s the deal. I have an amazing OB. Yes, technically I am still considered overweight despite my massive weight loss efforts over the last 2.5 years; however, she knows in hindsight that I was 40 POUNDS HEAVIER when I was pregnant with Jackson. She told me where she would like me to keep my weight gain and that was that. There hasn’t been another discussion about it. So when I told nursey my current weight, I got nothing but lecture about my risk for gestational diabetes (which even when I was a fatty in my first pregnancy, I didn’t have) and high birth weight for my baby. I of course got defensive. The very last thing I need right now is this self-righteous, script reading nurse judging me. And don’t get me started on her breastfeeding lectures… I was at 12 WEEKS during this conversation. Really?? REALLY?? The jury is still out on whether I will try breastfeeding again, give the baby some via pump or just save myself from my PPD risk and bottle feed. Anyone who tries to question me or lecture me on this subject WILL feel my wrath. It is my choice. Period. End of story. I will not be bullied into breastfeeding if it isn’t right for me. Anyway…  I digress… Basically, I will entertain nursey every 6-8 weeks. I just want the free goods. Pretty sure because I am in a high risk pregnancy that I’m more than being taken care of. Geesh. Back off lady. I’ve done this before.

This nurse just made me so mad. My whole life I have made excuses and defended my weight.

“I’m big boned” (that’s a favorite)
“It’s just the way I’m built”
“I like sweets and just want to live and be happy”

I’m so grateful that Medifast never shoved BMI down my throat. Their goal weights are based on so much more than that and when I hit the normal range on my biometrics (which was still considered an overweight BMI) they said, STOP. You are at goal. This is your normal and you look amazing. I am athletic. Muscular. So the excuse, “It’s just the way I am built” isn’t a lie or an excuse. It is my truth. I have accepted it. But, it still sucks to have to defend this to someone who knows nothing about me or the journey I went though to lose so much weight.

Beyond my issues with my weight and gaining weight, I am feeling okay. I still have bad days where the nausea is beyond overwhelming and nothing I do seems to be able to fight it. I definitely do not take my good days for granted! True excitement is settling in as we start making our lists for the things we need. Even Jackson is getting into it. He even picked a name if it is a girl. Ummm… Not sure what to do about that one??

Here is 14 weeks and I’m feeling pretty cute!