Over my unexpected recovery time off (I don’t dare call this a vacation because there was nothing fun about it), I did a lot of reading. One of the books I read was “Two Kisses for Maddy” by Matthew Logelin.
Several moms I follow on Twitter as well as many IRL friends who have been following Matthew Logelin’s blog for the past few years suggested reading this book. I added it to my list and now finally had the time to sit down and read it. To say I was moved beyond words is an understatement.
As a 2 second overview to this memoir, Matthew (a Minnesota native) and his wife Liz were expecting a baby back in 2007/2008. Liz had an extremely difficult pregnancy and ended up in the hospital on bed rest for several weeks. She delivered their daughter Madeline 7 weeks early via c-section and died 27 hours later from a pulmonary embolism, never having held her little girl. This was Matt’s memoir of love and loss.
I’m not sure I have ever actually sobbed reading a book, but I did reading this one. The more I got to know Matt & Liz in his memoir, the more I felt like they were the kind of people that my husband and I would be friends with. I also greatly appreciated his use of the word “fuck” throughout. I’m pretty sure there is no better way to describe being in any of those moments other than to say fuck. God, I love that word. My son is about the same age as Maddy so I can relate to so many of his parenting adventures, especially that of getting over bodily functions.
While reading, Jackson was taking some quiet time before his nap and I was of course overcome with emotion and let a tear slip down my cheek. I didn’t realize that Jack had been watching me and before I knew it, my little person had come over and put his arms around my legs in a preschooler hug that I have become so familiar with. He then turned around and went back to the couch to watch Caillou. In that moment, I was in wonder at what a sweet person my little boy is turning out to be and how deeply I loved him.
If there is anything I have learned from reading Two Kisses for Maddy, it is to live every moment to the fullest with no regret. I thought about how my boss gave me such a hard time for trying to take the day off the day before I had my surgery. I have no regrets and no guilt for spending that time with my husband. There was no way of knowing if something would go wrong and no way of stopping it if it does. We didn’t anticipate my having a longer recovery and of course getting THE final heartbreaking word that my child-bearing days were over has been grueling for all of us- I was thankful for our time together.
Reading this book and of course having way too much time on my hands during my recovery really helped me to put things into perspective. Today, when my boss said she had been losing sleep over the things that needed to be done at work, I furrowed my brow and thought, what a shame to live your life for your job. To each their own, but I feel like my son deserves better than that from me. Of course I take my job seriously and am the best I can possibly be when I am at the office, but there are so many more important things in this world to worry about after I walk out the door each night.
I feel as though all those times I was frustrated with it being “my night” to put Jackson to bed, put him in a bath or change his stinky diapers were silly. I love my time with him. All of it. Even the icky parts. Right now, I am watching the clock just begging for it to move faster so I can get home to my husband and my little boy.