I just joined a local online community group (to remain nameless). I thought it would be nice to try and meet some moms in my area, find some new playmates for Jack and just get out of the freakin’ house every once in awhile. Not to mention just the daily need to vent and talk to other moms every once in awhile, even if just online.
A discussion thread caught my eye that absolutely made me livid from my head to my toes. A woman posted a discussion topic: “Any remedies on how to get pregnant?” And the questions looked like this:
“Hi Ladies, I have a little girl who will be 3 in April and I am dying to have another baby soon, I don’t want my kids to be so far spaced. However, my husband and I have been trying for the past 3 or 4 months to get pregnant and have been unsuccessful. Does anyone have any suggestions on what we could do differently to help the process? Any suggestions would be helpful”
Now the question itself doesn’t bother me. Sure, I am a little annoyed that apparently 3-4 months is a REALLY long time to try and get pregnant (note my sarcasm). It is the responses that she got. From actual women. Just about every one of them said “Just relax. If you’re not thinking about getting pregnant you’ll get pregnant.” or “Stop focusing so much on it.”
Let me tell you from experience. When you want it badly enough it is all you can think about. Sure, 4 months is nothing in the grand scheme of those who have suffered years and years of infertility, but I guess it feels like an eternity if #1 was an oopsie or first try baby. I hate being the cold, bitter infertile blasting out the advice of those who probably meant well. It is just… stupid advice. How about either not responding or giving some USEFUL advice. She was asking for something real to try, something tangible. Not RELAXING for god’s sake. I confess. I kinda went on my soapbox. I called these women out on their crappy fertility advice. But, I hope I gave her some common sense stuff. Like reading TCOYF or learning how to chart through great sites like Fertility Friend. I suggested buying some OPK’s. I suggested healthy lifestyle for both her AND her husband. I also said if after a YEAR she hasn’t conceived to go talk to her OB and that secondary infertility is a very real fact (hello, secondary infertility right here). But at the end of the day, please don’t complain that you have been trying for four LONG months when there have been couples trying for years or deserving couples that can’t even have babies.
This stuff frustrates me to no end and even tempts me to walk away from this forum altogether because I can’t stand the thought of any further stupidity.
This is all timely though as it is National Infertility Awareness Week. I am thinking of all of those women out there who have been trying for so long, struggling through infertility. Even though I somehow got pregnant and had a baby, which is still a total mystery to me, I haven’t forgotten about my 2.5 years of infertility. I haven’t forgotten my angel baby (who would be 3 1/2 years old now). I haven’t forgotten the monthly heartache of BFN’s and AF’s wicked arrivals. I haven’t forgotten how much Clomid sucks.
I haven’t forgotten how insensitive the fertiles can be.