Mixed Bag Of Rant

I feel compelled to blog about this tonight as the story I heard on my boards ripped my heart to pieces.

Firstly, I have been a member of this online community for 3 1/2 years. I made friends from all over the world who were trying to have babies, unable to have babies, taking fertility drugs, pregnant, giving birth and all taking this amazing, and immensely intimate journey with each other. Together, we cheer our victories and mourn our losses. Not once have I felt alone in my long journey to motherhood being surrounded by these absolutely amazing women.

Tonight, I read that a mama who had a baby in August of 2008 lost her little girl. From our limited amount of information, we understand that the baby became entangled in her sheets and therefore suffocated. Not SIDS but a really sad and terrible accident that I would not wish on any mother. As I said, my heart just felt crushed after reading this as I just cannot even imagine the pain and hurt that this mama is going through. I pray for her and her family and hope she will heal and find peace.

I bring this up, not only to express my deep condolences but to prove my reasoning to all the people that say I am ridiculously overprotective of my Baby Jack. I am endlessly concerned that he is either too hot or too cold, that if I turn my back for a moment, he will crawl and get himself into something and get hurt. I worry that my carseat isn’t in my car correctly. I worry that if I let him cry it out that I will have ignored something that he might really need me for. I rarely let him keep a bib on despite the fact that he is a huge drooler/spitter upper, because I am afraid it will strangle him. I leave nothing in his crib that he can get into. No stuffed animals, toys, blankets. I use an AngelCare monitor because Jack will only sleep on his tummy and from the start, it scared the hell out of me. Just the other night, I attempted to give Jack his first Gerber puff. They are supposed to melt in his mouth. No more than a millisecond that he had it in his mouth, I freaked and was fishing it out. I feel like I am constantly checking his head for fever and worry endlessly that he will get really sick.

See? I just got the warning beep on the AngelCare and my ass just darted up to his room to check on him. He is just sleeping that hard and that quietly- I had to watch him for a minute just to make sure. How on earth am I going to make it through this night?

I’m sure this list could go on forever and the truth is, the worry will never end. I think that is just part of the motherhood package. Deep in my heart, I know that what will be will be and I should just let go.

God bless you baby Maggie. You are in my heart and my prayers.

1) There has been a Rubella case in MN. It caused a stir in the comments section of Star Tribune by of course all of the fearful autistic parents out there about how this article is going to cause people to get vaccinated and there will be more autistic children… Aren’t they afraid of their children getting the MEASLES for the love of god??? I said it before, I will say it again. I will protect my child from deadly illnesses and disease.

2) Miss California… I’m sorry. Was she supposed to be a liar? They asked her POINT BLANK what she thought of gay marriage and she answered the question honestly. I am SO sick and tired of people not being able to SAY WHAT THEY WANT IN AMERICA. What ever happened to freedom of speech??? Perez Hilton has his right to say all the horrible things he says about virtually everybody in Hollywood so why is it that she is crucified when she says how she feels and what she knows and WHAT SHE BELIEVES!! I’ll be the first to say that I do not agree with her- gay people should have the right to be legally bound (married have you in the eyes of the law. Let the church deem what is appropriate for them… i.e. separation of church and state). She may have not said the POPULAR thing, but she said what was in her heart. More power to her. Totally hypocritical to jump all over her for voicing her opinion. Just like a bunch of liberals to do that.

3) I don’t talk often about myself professionally, but today I got pretty ticked. I work hard. REALLY hard. I work for a place that isn’t quite yet “hip”. They don’t understand blogging, Facebook and Twitter. And I am trying to get them into the “now”. Well, we are working with an agency on a promotion (I’ll keep this general). This agency took it upon themselves to start a Twitter page for us. They didn’t call either myself OR my director to see IF I HAD ALREADY DONE IT (which thankfully I hadn’t). He even has us following a bunch of people (that make NO sense to be following mind you), doesn’t have our logo up, and is basically BUTCHERING us. I feel like I had the rug pulled from under me. I have been working MONTHS on trying to put our Social Networking together in a way that makes sense and eases all of us into it (my boss and colleagues are admittedly clueless about how it works). I’m just really angry that I wasn’t contacted and getting seriously pissed about the way some men treat women in the business world. He had no right to start this without our permission. Oh. Yeah. The kicker? We don’t even have ACCESS to it at the office (it is blocked). We can’t even make updates on it!!!! How fucking embarrassing is that????? Ugh.

On the lighter side… My little baby Jack is now 7 months, 1 week old. He is. Perfect. Yeah- we’re having a rough go of the teething stuff. He’s up a lot overnight and is cranky, but for what it is, we know it could be a lot worse. He’s at the perfect age where he knows who I am and even gets excited when I come home. Coming home to see his smile just makes everything else fade away. Not only does he sit up on his own, but he has started crawling (army crawling), we call it scooting. Now we are just waiting ever so patiently to hear his first sweet words.

I was just thinking that it must seem like I am the most crabby person in the entire world because all I do when I get on my blog is bitch about everything!! I guess if it were going to be a happy, friendly blog I would’ve named it something other than “Mixed Bag of Rant”. Therefore… I am going to continue to be a crabby bitch because this is one of my only outlets to let loose in.

Let me start with some Jack updates. He is doing AWESOME!!! The older he gets, the more responsive he gets and the more fun he is to be around! This weekend he actually started scooting forward in preparation of crawling. I can hardly believe it. My little guy is totally a little overacheiver. We had professional pictures taken this weekend to kind of commemorate his half birthday (and… just to get really cute pictures of him taken). I can’t wait to post them up here. He’s such a little ham! Anyway- things with my little baby boy just couldn’t be better. I love him more and more every day. Sometimes I think I might even burst from all the love I feel in my heart.

I noticed someone today posted a story about their baby contracting German Measles (Rubella). Gee. I wonder why. Perhaps it is because someone didn’t vaccinate their child!!!! You should see my eyes rolling right now. I really hope this lady’s baby feels better really soon. Seriously. VACCINATE PLEASE so my little baby doesn’t get sick too!!!!

On the business front, my company officially changed its name and brand marking pretty much the most exciting thing I’ve ever gotten to own and work on professionally. It is amazing to see all my creations come to life. My rant of the day though is this: why do people have to be so rude, lazy and disrespectful???? Me and a coworker spent close to 4 hours cleaning out our marketing closet/room (otherwise known as the pig room, which in and of itself has multiple meanings). This room is always a disaster. We get shipments of collateral in and nobody unloads it. They just open the box and leave the boxes to pile up and up and up until you don’t have any room whatsoever to walk. Can you say fire hazard? Well, we created an environment where everything has a “home”. Brochures have their own little place, postcards have their own little place… this way we’ll be able to keep track of inventory levels. So. After hours of sweat, papercuts and sore limbs, we got it cleaned up and organized. Our biz dev rep had the AUDACITY to tell me that she didn’t like it and it didn’t make sense. Where was her ass when I was sweating and throwing my back out moving all her shit around??? She said that she would have to “walk too far to get to the brochures” where they are and that she wouldn’t have time to grab what she needs. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????? THAT’s why she doesn’t like it? Because she’ll have to walk an extra two steps? Seriously- my bathroom at home is bigger than this closet. I got pissed, walked away muttering “whatever”. I thought she’d let it drop. She then barged into my office saying “I didn’t mean to be rude but…” BUT WHAT? Now you’re rude for coming in and ruining my day for the 2nd time with your poor reasoning for the hours of labor I put in. I got pissed. I said, “Listen, we spent hours cleaning up and organizing that room. If you don’t like it, then reorganize it yourself.” She swiftly left my office I’m sure to tattle on me and talk about what a bitch I am.

Part of the reason I am turning into a total crabby bitch this week is because my DH is heading into a very busy travel month. I always feel so torn with his travel. On one hand, I bitch when he’s at home because I don’t feel like he does enough and I’m always telling him to help and the other hand when he is gone, it dawns on me how much even his little bit of help is worth. If I had a THIRD hand, I’d say that I actually enjoy the me time even though the house gets more than painfully quiet.

Some other tidbits…

American Idol- I am very happy Megan and Michael Sarver are gone. I’m rooting for Kris Allen although I’m not sure how much of a chance he has.

Marley & Me. I watched this movie over the weekend. I cried. Then I cried some more. Spoiler alert… The movie is about a couple, like any other couple, who get married and to ward off the wifey’s maternal instincts, he gets her a puppy. Most of the movie is about this very naughty dog Marley, but it is also about the truly amazing bond between dogs and their families. There are a lot of movies out there that I can relate to, but this… this movie was our life. Shortly after bringing home Marley, they get pregnant and then, have a miscarriage. There is a scene where Owen Wilson’s character, John, walks in the door and his wife, Jenny (Jennifer Aniston) is sitting on the couch with Marley, sobbing. This was exactly what I did after I lost our first baby. I cried. I cuddled with Sadie. She just somehow knew how much I needed her during that horrible time. Even though I don’t pay as much attention to her as I used to, I still love my dog. She’s my girl. My buddy. I can’t stand not sleeping with her by my side at night. Most importantly, I don’t know what I’m going to do when it is time for her to go. She is now 6 and we’re not denying the fact that we don’t have that much time left with her. This movie was such a good reminder to cherish the time I have left with her.