Month: March 2009

Unsolicited Advice… Sorta?

This is sort of an assbackwards way of giving advice. Should’ve just stopped after the first sentence. 

Just remember your way is the right way no matter what anyone else tries to tell you, because that is what works for you.  It is tough the first time around, by the time the second one come you have the confidence you are doing it right as you know the child the best. 

I’ll allow only one guess of where it came from.

Here’s the deal. OF COURSE my way is right! I already know my child the best and it doesn’t matter whether he is my first or my tenth! Ahhhhhh I wish people would just STFU. We are doing just FINE. We don’t need help. We don’t need advice! We just need to be told over and over and over how adorable our little boy is 🙂

Weekful of Rant

Oh boy. If you want a mixed bag of rant, I’ve got one for you today.

1) I am sick. Again. However… I did learn something new from my online friends today that I had kinda forgotten about when I had to toss out the idea of breastfeeding. That mama’s will get sick and pass those antibodies through their breast milk to their babies so they don’t get as sick. I know there aren’t always guarantees that they won’t get sick anyway, but at least it makes sense why us mommies seem to pick up EVERYTHING after having a baby. Geesh. Here’s hoping these illness durations will become a little LESS after awhile. Being sick is a drag!!!

2) I am a fan, or should I say WAS a fan of The Morning Mashup on XM 20 on 20 (or Sirius whatever??? I so confused). LOVE LOVE LOVE Nicole on there. She is awesome. She is someone I would totally be pals with. Who is the guy though that is such an ass… Either Rich? Or Ryan? I don’t even know his name but his voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Or worse. A fork on a plate. He is rude and condescending. 1st comment that pissed me off: They were talking about Kelly Clarkson who appeared on Idol to sing her song “My Life Would Suck Without You” a couple weeks ago. I don’t think it is any secret, Kelly’s gained a few pounds. This jackass made the comment “Kelly was lookin’ rough. Can you imagine what she’d look like if she gave birth?” Ummm. WTF is that suppose to mean my friend?? Can you explain what someone looks like who gave birth? WTF are you trying to say here? I am so SICK AND TIRED of these celebs getting so ragged on for gaining or losing a few pounds. What on earth does that have to do with their talent? Kelly Clarkson is AMAZING. I have always loved her voice and her music since her own Idol days and have never given a second thought to what she looks like. That is so annoying to me. Add the birth comment on top of it? One pissed off morning commuter. COMMENT #2: They were discussing whether or not you should pay extra for a direct flight or if you should save a buck and just take a connection. Jerkoff said “Yeah, I was stuck in Minnesota once. It was the worst day ever.” Not only did you rip on my native home, but… Minnesota happens to have a pretty decent airport. One of the few if you ask me. Decent food, decent shops what the hell more do you want in an airport? Anyway. They lost a listener this week. I’d rather listen to my iPod than listen to this guy’s garbage of the mouth.

3) Idol comments: Am I surprised that Alexis got booted? No, not really. She’s good, but… not that good. Adam Lambert is just hideous- I know people are loving what he did but I thought it was awful. My favorite this week? MATT GIRAUD. He was amazing. Wicked talented. Besides I LOVE the song he did. I am usually a big Danny Gokey fan, but I’m kinda finding that he’s a little too cocky for my taste, like he’s not even surprised that he got through. I hope he finds himself in the bottom 3 soon. Serve him right for being arrogant. I loooooooved that Carrie Underwood performed this week too. She was incredible. What was up with her crazy hair though?

4) I am absolutely addicted to soaps. This is pretty random, just thought I’d put it out there because I’m currently catching up on a week’s worth of DVR All My Children. It has been kind of stupid lately. Kendall is cheating again. David and Crystal are annoying as hell. Boo. They have to work on their storyline. Plus, what is with the ridiculous product placement with the New York & Company bag? Blatant & annoying!! The Young and the Restless has been AWESOME though! Too bad the NCAA tournament is on at the same time the past couple of days.

5) I’m so sad to hear about Natasha Richardson’s untimely death. I’m embarrassed to admit that I knew her from The Parent Trap and Maid in Manhattan, but also knew that she came from Hollywood royalty and was an extremely well respected and loved actress. I know that this is being blown up in the media which bothers me a lot. All this speculation about her accident, that an ambulance was turned away… that someone should be blamed… that helmets when skiing should become a law. She was on a BUNNY HILL. It was her first time skiing. It was an accident folks. Nothing more than a freak accident. I feel like now people are going to go on a rampage and make you wear helmets when driving down the block now. Listen. The truth is, the minute we walk out that door, we take risks in our lives. An accident like this could happen to any one of us at any time and to try to find an excuse or change laws over it won’t change what happened or truthfully, to keep it from happening again. Is it sad? Absolutely. My heart goes out to her family… her sons… Tragic.

Phew! That is a solid week’s worth of rambling to make up for all the non-blogging I did this entire week!

If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Read It!

I saw this posted from one of my Twitter feeds and it totally pissed me off. I know I’m treading on somewhat dangerous waters here, because… well, I used to be a childless bitch myself. However, I NEVER NEVER NEVER crucified my friends or anyone else for posting about their babies and keeping, well, the world informed about how they are doing. Often times, Twitter and Facebook are my only means on telling the universe about what is going on because, as a working mom, I don’t have shit for time to do anything more. On top of it- my baby IS MY LIFE. Why would I Twitter or update my Facebook status with anything else? Anyway, I digress. When I was an “unexplained infertile” for 2 1/2 years of my life, I would get angry about some things. I’d get annoyed when I’d read about pregnant teens, or crack moms, crack babies, babies born with AIDS, the constant OOPSIE BFP postings on my web forum but this? I never was THIS much of a bitch. At least she can admit that she is one. I say STFU back to you. Why are you even reading these updates and COLLECTING THEM if it bothers you so much?

Spare Us News On Your Kid’s Bowel Movements

Tuesday, March 17, 2009
filed under: childless bitch

Dear Mommies,

annoyed woman in computer

As a vacant vessel — read: lady without a baby, I am here to throw some enlightenment your way regarding a specific Facebook phenomenon. New moms, especially the stay at home type, have taken to their Facebook status updates as a means of letting the world know every detail of their spawn’s daily developments. Those developments range from the earth shattering napping schedule to the awesomeness of little Jaden’s first poopy in the big boy potty. While these updates might not be news, the reaction to those updates by the non-babied community probably is. For real, ‘[redacted] is smiling at her baby because she is using a fork’ is driving us bananas.

The internets have heard the public outcry of the child-free and have given us this little website in return. Shut the F*&% Up Parents is a collection of Facebook status updates that make our eggs instantly dry up. It documents every offense from using your baby’s face as your profile picture to thoughts on burying placenta in the backyard. Yes, non-mommies find these tidbits offensive – as in OMG, we really don’t care that you are about to walk your infant to the duck park.

True, we non-parents can also be boring as hell in our status updates, ‘Jen loves peanut butter – YUMMY!’ but usually we’re not as consistent.

This is what we’re talking about behind your baby bjorn’d backs, just thought you should know. And trust, it’s definitely not because we’re jealous.


OH I feel SOOOO BAD that you are talking behind my back you miserable bitches. If you’re not jealous then WHY THE HELL do you read it? If you’re not jealous then why do you even care about these posts??? Geez- even my DH has a picture of his baby boy as his profile pic!

I am proud the way I handled my life during what was a depressing time filled with loss and disappointment. Instead of whining and complaining about all the other pregnant mama’s to be or the new mommies out there, I LIVED MY LIFE. My DH and I enjoyed our lives to the fullest to make up for that missing piece, a baby. We traveled, we partied, we SLEPT. I never put down any of the mommies out there for enjoying their babies. I knew I’d get there someday- whether by medical or miracle, I’d have my baby someday too. So, before you get all up in the mommy world face for being excited for things like POOP (and believe me, we do get excited about poop as mommies), when you are a mother yourself (and I feel sorry for your child for having such a bitch of a mom) I hope you feel like an ass for being so bitter and miserable. Get a life and STFU.

Being Mom

I know I’ve been a bad blogger lately. Between vaccination exhaustion, a cough/cold, poopy diapers (these are my dear son’s, not mine) and an extremely busy job lately, getting in blog posts has been tough.

Someone in my mama forum posted this and I wanted to share. It is soooooo true. My favorite line is: “I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.”

I hope so much that every woman out there who truly wants it has the opportunity to be a mama some day. I may be tired, frazzled and forever worried; however, I have never loved anything more in my life than my son.



We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of “starting a family.”

“We’re taking a survey,” she says, half-joking. “Do you think I should have a baby?”

“It will change your life,” I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

“I know,” she says, “no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations….”

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking “What if that had been MY child?” That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.

That an urgent call of “Mom!” will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment’s hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby’s sweet smell.
She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy’s desire to go to the men’s room rather than the women’s at McDonald’s will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years — not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter’s relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children’s future.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time.
I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My daughter’s quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. “You’ll never regret it,” I finally say. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter’s hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God . .
that of being a Mother.

And here’s a quote for you to ponder as well.

“A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.”
~Author Unknown

More Sleep Discussion

I know sleep seems to be the only topic I have to talk about lately, but when it is EVERYTHING about your life, is there anything else to discuss?

DH and I have delved deep into the mystery that is baby sleep. I feel like I have combed the internet for hours researching and trying to find an answer to why we can’t get our 6 month old to sleep through the night. Have I found the answer yet? Not necessarily. However, I have found that what Jack is doing is actually more normal than we thought. Jack typically goes to sleep around 8-9pm depending on his level of playful, maniac-ness. He goes right to sleep without any struggle and we usually get a solid 2 hours before the night goes awry. We have found though that there is always a reason for his waking up and being upset: his Nuk fell out, his Nuk is in backwards, he rolled over and is uncomfortably wedged into the corner of the crib, he rolled onto his back (he hates his back) and the list goes on. These are all fairly easy fixes- we re-position him and give him his Nuk back. This takes all of 10 seconds with little interruption to my own REM sleep. Lately though, Jack has been starting to stir around 4am. This is seriously a no-go in our book. Too damn early. No way in hell is either of us starting our day at 4am. The more I read though, I’m finding that 8-9 hours of sleep, including these minor interruptions is normal. So. He goes down at 8- 4am is 8 hours. Not brain surgery to figure out what is going on here. He’s hungry. We’re not ready to get up. We struggle with getting him back to sleep. Now, if we were alert, awake and intelligent, we would simply give him the darn bottle and chances are, he would go back down until 6 and be ready to start the day at that time (normal for us as we are up getting ready to go to work anyway). Why do we fight this? I’m not sure. Probably because we are afraid that it will become habit and we will have to get up at 4am every morning for the next 18 years to feed him. Truth of the matter is, we probably just need to go with it. Until he is old enough and not in need of a bottle or baby foods, then this really is the reality and there is no use in fighting it. This is what we signed up for!

In other news… The discussion of baby #2 has definitely begun. Initially we’re thinking, dear God. Are we crazy? That would be hell to have 2 babies under 2. The other part of us is: let’s just get this shiz over with. I can’t imagine waiting a few years, having Jack sleeping peacefully through the night and then start all over with screaming baby every single night. We might as well just make a few years of sleep deprivation and the blissfully be done with it. I can’t even believe I’m going to say this, but, I’m excited to be pregnant again. As many times as I barfed and could barely walk when I was preggo with Jack, deep down I loved it. There is just something about having that life inside you. So miraculous. So wonderful. This is all a lot of talk right now though. I’m hoping to wait until this summer before we actually starty to really try.

One other thing that has really been on my mind is my loyalty (and addiction) to my mommy web forums. They are both wonderful and awful all at the same time. I go there to get advice, but then, I constantly sit there and compare Jack to all these other babies and think “Why isn’t Jack rolling?” or “Why doesn’t Jack have his teeth yet?”. I know a lot of mommies are just excited about reaching these little milestones, and normally I love that they share these things, but secretly? It annoys me a little. Not that a mama shouldn’t brag about her little ones, but sometimes I just have to roll my eyes. I feel like I’m constantly reminding myself that there is no manual for parenting and that my baby is an individual. He will meet these milestones at his pace. As long as the pedi says he is doing great then I am not going to sit and compare. I find it a little funny that suddenly there are a rash of posts about babies who previously STTN (slept through the night) who are now waking up in the middle of the night every hour (secretly I think to myself… HAHA). Now. Don’t you think this is a sign? All these babies. All around the same age. All of them are waking at night. IT IS DEVELOPMENTAL FOLKS!!! There is nothing you can do about it but let them figure out how to sleep on their own and that is the best thing you’ll be able to teach them. I love that DH praises me for keeping Jack on a rigid schedule both with feeding and sleeping and is convinced that is the reason we have such a mild mannered, less whiny baby. Whether or not that is true, I don’t know, but I’ll take the praise nonetheless!

P.S. Just want to say that I am jumping for joy that Tatiana didn’t make it through to the top 13 on American Idol!!!

Idol Predictions

Well I’m happy to report that last night wasn’t half the trainwreck as the past couple weeks. Still, there are no Chris Daughtry and Carrie Underwoods blowing me away yet.

Here are my predictions of the next three going through to the top 12:

1. Scott MacIntyre
2. Ju’Not Joyner (he was AWESOME)
3. Felicia Barton

That number 3 spot was my tricky one though- I think Felicia is a long shot, but I really liked her voice and her look. I think competing for that spot is Jorge Nunez and Lil Rounds.

Everyone else pretty much sucked! If Nathaniel makes it through I will pretty much stop watching. They really need to get a stylist to help him out. Dude can sing for sure but his look totally is killing it for me.

In other news…
Baby: Jackson is now on yet another developmental change. The past couple nights he was been feeling around his mattress at night (he sleeps on his tummy now) as if he is swimming. WTH is he looking for?? Of course he starts screaming in a fit of who knows what. I assume he is looking for his Nuk, but perhaps he is dreaming? Stay tuned… we’ll see how many nights of sleep DH and I lose over this.

Exercise: Waiting patiently for March to be over so I can add DH onto my LifeTime Fitness membership (waiting for his Snap membership to end). When I add him on, I am also going to upgrade us to a platinum membership so I can have access to more locations closer to my office (which I think is ABSOLUTELY STUPID). I am struggling to find the motivation to drive across town during my work day to get a short workout in when there is a gym just down the road from my office (within about 5 miles). I’m not certain why LifeTime decided to do this. I think it is extremely confusing for the consumer and to be honest, I don’t think some of these “platinum” and “onyx” gyms offer any better amenities than the gold or bronze (I currently have a gold membership). Confused yet? No shit, huh? Anyway- they claim that members will have more access to tennis. Here’s a tip: NOT EVERYONE PLAYS TENNIS so why should I have to pay more to have a membership to a tennis facility when all I want to do is use the equipment or perhaps take a Group Fitness class. So annoying.

Tuesday Ramblings

I have been an avid fan of The Bachelor since… wow. Forever? I think the only season I didn’t watch was Trista’s season. Figures. The one season that was actually successful. Anyway, I feel I need to comment about what an asshole douchebag Jason Mesnick is. I think I kinda knew all along that there was something not right about him, but this really is messed up. The thing that bothers me most, and it isn’t even him dumping Melissa on national TV, is that his poor little boy is probably so confused by all this. I don’t know if he’s actually been able to shield him from it, but I’m sure he got to know his future stepmom, Melissa and now he has to get to know this other woman who is replacing Melissa. This poor kid is going to have such an amazingly messed up life. I can’t imagine that he has any idea what stability is. Deep down, I never bought into the whole sweet, single dad routine. Uuugh. Anyway. Will this all deter me from watching more of this trainwreck tonight? Nope. I’ll be watching. Will I continue to watch The Bachelorette and The Bachelor? Yup. Why? It is my guilty pleasure. I don’t know why. It is a waste of time. Yet, I watch it. I think I just thank god that I found my soulmate and don’t have to go through any more dating BS.

What else will I be watching? The trainwreck that is American Idol season… uh… I don’t even know what season it is. 8? I thought for sure there was going to be some wicked good talent this season, but nope. I was mistaken. But, as a singer and my own personal judge, I’ll watch. Not sure that earplugs will do the job in keeping my ears from bleeding.

On a more personal note… I have started out the week on a great note. I work at a Credit Union and we are about to change our name. Being able to work on such a project is a marketer’s dream and I am so proud of the things I have accomplished thus far. My portfolio is exploding! Certainly now isn’t the time to be going out looking for new jobs. My husband called this “Obama Thinking”. I prefer to look at it this way: even if I FOUND another job, companies are NOT paying people what they used to, so until the market rebounds and companies start paying people what they are worth I’m going to stay put in my happy little comfy world. Anyway. I digress. I got a lot of high fives from my boss this week on some of the design work that I’ve been doing. Nothing like good warm fuzzies from work to make the week go faster!

The Great Mystery of Baby Sleep

I laugh quite often at the phrase “I slept like a baby”. Who the hell thought of that? Obviously someone who doesn’t have a baby! For the past few weeks, Jack has been a terror at night. Up every 1 1/2 – 2 hours, crying that never ceases and mommy and daddy walking around with puffy, blacked-ringed eyes. Suddenly, like a miracle, the last two days he has slept perfectly. Like, a baby! Sunday morning he woke up around 7- he is usually up around 4:30 or 5a most mornings. This morning, he was still sleeping ever so soundly at 6am when I had to get him up and ready to go to school. I am definitely not taking these wonderful nights for granted.

I have been digging and digging for information about infant sleep, praying that I can find the answers and the magic potion to get Jack to sleep through the night. The truth is, even the most sound sleeping baby will end up going through developmental things that will affect their sleep. I see more and more mommies in my web forum talking about how their perfect sleeping babies are suddenly waking up between 4-6 months of age. I feel that it has just been one developmental milestone after another keeping Jack up. First it was the discovery of his feet- he loves his feet. Still does. He will try to find them no matter what position we lay him down in- he does all he can to put them in his mouth and gets pissed when they don’t reach. Then it was his rolling over. We were so excited to see him do this, until we realized what this did to his sleep. He’d roll over and then get mad that he forgot how to roll over the other way. This rolling also led to rolling up against the sides of the crib- limbs hanging out all over and the works. He also discovered his love for sleeping with his face flat down. All of this led us to spend close to $200 to safety-proof his crib. We bought breathable bumpers and an Angelcare monitor which tells us if for any reason he stops breathing for 20 seconds. Just when we think we got it together comes the maniac, bloody murder screaming. Low and behold we discover… a TOOTH! Little Jack finally got his first tooth. All the crazy screaming all night over the past week was because of his teething.

I’m sure now that we have THIS figured out there will be another milestone this week.