Mixed Bag Of Rant

Seriously. Am I crazy?

I’ve been so good about not getting so worked up over my 2WW for like the past 8 months and all of a sudden I’m sitting here again thinking, this is it?

Truly, I do have some crazy symptoms this month. I’m sure there are a thousand explanations as to why I am having them and I’m sure they have nothing to do with pregnancy. I am SO sure this month that I started a mini-journal of symptoms. On top of that, my chart is the first promising looking chart that I’ve had in 2 years (next to my fabulously pretty Clomid charts). I’m currently 12 dpo (days past ovulation). My test today (that’s right… I took a freakin’ test) appeared to be negative although I swear I saw something. And to think I swore I’d never be one of “those” women- squinting and turning my pee stick over and over until I actually convince myself that there is a line there. Guess the reason I think what I do is that I’ve seen enough negative ones to know when something seems a little different. Nonetheless, I’m officially out of pee sticks and am going to hold off buying more until I have a reason to be at Target. Also… by this weekend, I’ll know for sure as Ms. AF is to arrive on Saturday or Sunday (possibly Monday). Could I simply be testing too early?

Most importantly, whether it works still remains to be seen, I am applying my “The Secret” techniques to TTC. I’ve asked the universe for a baby, I’ve asked the universe to give a positive test, we’ve made plans for what will happen once we know for sure that I’m preggo… and I’m trying like crazy to just BE POSITIVE. No more sad thoughts. No more depressing thoughts. No more “woe is me, I can’t get pregnant” thoughts. NO MORE. From here on out, only happy, bouncy baby thoughts!!

I will keep ya posted as this journey moves forward. Here’s to my Sunday BFP!

So I know I’ve been distracted, house on the market, building a new house, husband out of town… but TTC still goes on… and on… and on…

Recently, one of my best friends informed me that she was pregnant. With twins. My first instinct- I broke down in tears and bawled my eyes out for at least an hour. Then it dawned on me: one of my oldest and dearest friends is pregnant. She has PCOS and has been trying for 5 years. 5 YEARS. I may be going on TTC for 2 years but will likely not take THAT long to get my precious baby. I cannot even imagine. It comes down to the fact that I am absolutely thrilled for her and I can’t wait to meet her little beans when they are born.

So, I have renewed my activity in my practice of The Secret. I have sent out my will to the universe and said “I am pregnant” and am planning my life around my July 4th due date. Currently, I am on cycle day 22, 6 days past ovulation, or, approximately 3 weeks along. Obviously too early for HPT’s or symptoms, but remember, the universe does not listen to no negative nellys! It is important for me to maintain that I am indeed pregnant for the universe to respond.

On the flip side… I am amazed by the naivety that is out there. I mean… I’m trying to think back and remember 2 fricken long years ago when I started this TTC journey if I really didn’t know this much about myself and my body. I think before I spouted out to a message board, I made sure I had my facts straight. I understood what a BBT was and how to chart (at least in theory), what an LP is, and the importance of gathering ALL the fertility signs to truly calculate ovulation. I’m also getting a little sick of: “I’ve been TTC for 3 months now- I can’t believe how long this is taking!”. Are you serious? Perhaps I wasn’t obsessive enough at the time, but when I got pregnant after 5 months, I was stunned at how fast it happened. Even my OB’s office remarked how quickly it happened for us. SIX MONTHS MINIMUM PEOPLE!!! The timing has to be IMPECCABLE and you really have to be in optimal health.

I will admit… I was naive on one account. I never paid attention to the stat saying 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I assumed because I got a BFP that I was home free and that by Thanksgiving 2006 I would have a brand new bouncy baby to bring to the dinner table. I never thought I would miscarry. I never knew anyone who had miscarried. I never thought it would apply to me. It did. I will never know why my little bean had to go to heaven before it’s little fingers even got a chance to grow, but I know that WHEN I do get my BFP next week, that I will not take it for granted for one second. I will insist on the betas and insist on the early ultrasounds. I will proceed with caution until 12 weeks comes and I can freely breathe a sigh of relief. I will see that day!!

As far as the naive posters… I do hope that they get their BFP’s swiftly and without the heartbreak of an early miscarriage as I do not wish it on anyone. I hope that they do not ever have to consider what it is like to TTC for years at a time. I hope they have enough time to even try for 2 or 3 more little beans. Most importantly, I hope they don’t shove their fertility fortune in my face!!!!

On that note, and with baby dust and sticky vibes, I will sign off.

On another note, after a long weekend of visiting what seemed like a million parade of homes, we have decided to BUILD!!!! I couldn’t be more excited! I love that this house will be our vision and our dream. We have a beautiful plot of land on hold in Savage, MN and should have our dream house on it by this spring!!
Hopefully not too long after, we’ll have a lot of babies to put in it too!