Mixed Bag Of Rant

That’s right. Month 16 ended in yet another negative.

I have made the decision that I am not going to take fertility meds. At least for the remainder of this year. After 3 months of feeling like my body has been invaded, I just want to go back to being me. Hubby and I will continue to TTC including the temping, the OPK’s, the vitamins and the likes, but no more fertility drugs. It has done nothing but made me miserable, depressed, dizzy, hot, in pain and a host of other side effects that I’m afraid are just not worth it to me. My health has been deteriorating and I need to cognizant of that. Perhaps if we still haven’t conceived in 2008 that I will consider treatments again, but, for now, I’m still young and confident that we can do this without medication.

I’m excited to be able to go to my classes again (those classes being kickboxing and step) without being in pain. Excited to be in a better mood. Excited to not have to go to the doctor 3 times a week and have an ultrasound stick shoved up my hoo ha. Excited to not have to “time” everything. Excited to be me.

Firstly. I’m suffering from an ear infection. A nagging, jabbing, torturous pain. Would anyone else feel nervous if the NP at your urgent care pulled out a 3 ring binder to find out how to treat you? Basically did nothing for me so I’ve made an appointment with my primary physician. It’s an ear infection people, not the flu… shouldn’t be that hard! Kinda hoping that my provider offers a preggo test tomorrow. Would really take away the issue of early testing! Ha! Anything to get an early result!

Okay. Now on to chick idol night.

My top 5 chick prediction:
1) Sabrina Sloane
2) Jordin Sparks
3) Melinda Doolittle (although I’m kinda annoyed that she has no neck)
4) Gina Glocksen
5) Lakisha Jones (only because she sings and looks like Jennifer Hudson)

I think this is a pretty tight prediction. Now, if someone like Antonella gets through… you gotta wonder who is out there voting for the T & A or the singer. She sucked big time tonight.

We shall see how my predictions hold up this season!!! Bring it!

I know… this is in bad taste. But you gotta admit. It’s kinda funny.

Okay. That said. Anyone who has been around my blog long enough knows that I am an absolute Idol freako. LOVE the show. Mostly because it pisses me off. I’m not sure who actually votes for some of these horrible singers, but, let me put it this way, if either Sundance Head or Rudy Cardenas makes it through… UGH! They were terrible. I also thought Chris Richardson was terrible. Justin Timberlake wannabe who BUTCHERED a GREAT Gavin DeGraw song. BUTCHERED.

Here’s who I think should make the top 5 guys:
(In order of my favorites):
1) Phil Stacy– SO FREAKIN GOOD!!!! I LOVED his voice. Amazing. With a little work he’s going to really knock this out of the park and his wife was SO CUTE swooning over him!
2) Blake Lewis– he’s cute and funky and original and I like him
3) Chris Sligh– he’s funny and I thought he did quite good (don’t really appreciate that he mouthed off to Simon. Not the guy to piss off on this show)
4) Brandon Rogers– I dig that this guy did back ups. I think he was nervous tonight
5) Jared Cotter– His song was uber boring tonight, but he’s cute. He’ll move on

Who do I think will make the top 10 and SHOULDN’T:
A.J. Tabaldo– Ugh. Boring. Typical. Forgetful but the judges actually liked him
Chris Richardson- he sucked rocks tonight and butchered a fave song of mine
Sundance Head– Firstly, this guy is an arrogant ass and has no right to be other than my dad’s grandpa was some famous blues guy, blah blah blah. Not an Americal Idol and his song was TERRIBLE!!!! He defied everything I learned in 10 years of vocal performance and lessons. He does not deserve to be famous. Learn how to sing. The RIGHT way.

Look for my chick predictions tomorrow night!

So, onto the preggo stuff. I am one week to testing, less than a week actually. I hear there is a big snow storm heading to MN this weekend. How am I not going to test all weekend???!! I’m proud though. I have barely thought at all how much IUI will suck next month if this month doesn’t turn out. For both me and “Joe”. I’ll leave it at that.

Okay- so I haven’t gone as bonkers as I have in months past. HOWEVER. I swear this month is it. My temps are way up (triphasic chart) and although my boobies hurt every month, they haven’t hurt THIS badly since I was pregnant last March! I so want this to be it!!! I’ve already decided that we’ll do an Easter Sunday announcement to everyone, assuming it sticks. Stick baby stick!!!! We deserve this!!!

I was wondering too, is it Murphy’s Law that all the good boozing opportunities turn up when I’m in my two week wait? Went to a party over the weekend, went to a pub, going to happy hour tomorrow… Grrrrr. Now, I’m not a total lush, but I’m much better in social situations with a few drinks inside of me. I’m sure it makes me sound like an idiot, but at least I feel more comfortable.

Check out my Weather Pixie today!!! It is so warm out that she is finally wearing a sweater instead of her usual parka! I wonder what she’ll be wearing when it’s 90 degrees out… Maybe I should find a dude pixie instead.

As I said last year… what a stupid holiday this is. This year, I happily did not receive any dead flowers. I do think my dear husband could use some training in the romance department. While he did get me exactly what I asked for (a bottle of Happy Heart perfume by Clinique). Instead of putting it in a gift bag or wrapping it, he just kinda… handed it to me. He doesn’t do cards either, which annoys. We did go out for dinner… they screwed up our appetizer order and messed up the final bill. We’re starting to think this is yet another holiday that we want to boycot. All these expectations for a romantic and beautiful day that usually ends up being… less than par. Now, I love my husband more than life itself. We don’t need a day like Valentine’s Day to tell each other that.

I also feel as though I need to make a little comment on the Anna Nicole situation. Firstly, the baby is NOT Howard K. Stern’s. She looks EXACTLY like Larry Birkhead!!! Just take the damn DNA test already. I also wish they would let this woman be buried and let her rest in peace. In the Bahamas.

As for the baby situation, we are again in the two week wait. It sucks as usual. Going through the same “I just know I’m pregnant” feelings. This month I swear I am spending less time obsessing and worrying about every little thing that I do. My testing day is February 27th. No earlier. Can I please have my 3rd cycle be a charm? Please?

Well, my follie grew baby!! She was 2.8 on my right and 2.1 on my left!!! I had not yet ovulated so my doc gave me a trigger- which means, chances are, any follicle over 1.8 released which means, my chances of conception this weekend are HUGE. Not only that, chances of conceiving TWINS this weekend have also been increased! YAY!!!

Most importantly, it is my goal this month to remain positive and BUSY. Luckily work is going to be busy for the next few weeks so that will be a nice distraction.

Last night Mr. Joe and I reconnected with some good friends. I’ve known for years they, too have had fertility problems and I really should’ve called her a long time ago. It was SO NICE to actually sit and talk with someone who knows and understands the frustrations that come along infertility. It felt great to get that off of my chest. How great would it be if her and I were able to be pregnant at the same time?!! I pray for them all the time and hope that they are able to make it happen.

Okay…

Most long time TTC #1’ers will appreciate the agony that is my day today at work.

A woman that I used to work for when I started here at ABC Company (no that isn’t the real name of where I work), has since taken a new “role” as the VP of something or something and is a real “big wig” now. She stops in every once in awhile to visit with her “team”. In a word or two, she drives me bonkers. Tries too hard to be friends with everyone, is a micro-manager, and would stab you in the back in a heartbeat. Strangely, on a personal level, I am friends with her. Her and her husband came to my wedding for crying out loud. She, too, was told that she was infertile but was also told that she would never be able to have children. By a miracle, she gave birth to a baby boy last March.

That aside, her younger sister (my age) got married with a very lavish wedding about a year before me. She just had a baby yesterday. Since the woman is squatting in a visitor cube next to me, I get to hear all of her conversations. In all dozen or more calls I’ve had to endure through today, she has told EVERY LAST PERSON that she is now an auntie, and how cute the baby is (which, uh, is a little scary looking if you ask me). Is it really necessary to tell EVERYONE?? In front of me?

Now most days, the whole baby thing doesn’t bother me all that much. I was slightly sensitive after the miscarriage, but, let it go because conversations would actually stop dead when I’d walk into a room. I can handle hearing it once, twice, even three times, but MORE THAN A DOZEN??? ARGGH!!! Enough already!!! My eyes have rolled so many times today its amazing I haven’t barfed from motion sickness.

Here I thought that I was doing so well this month trying to not think about babies and TTC. So much for that! I’m so annoyed. Maybe its the Clomid.

P.S. On an up-note- I have two dominant follies this month and a few little ones!! YAY!! This could actually work this month! Am likely to ovulate this weekend. Watch out husband, here I come!

Josh Hartnett was recently quoted saying “I grew up in Minnesota and the winter’s there over the past few years have been extremely warm and that concerns me.” (or some crap like that). Uh. Josh? Perhaps you should try stopping home once in awhile because it has been sub zero for the past week and is showing no signs of warming up anytime soon. It was fricken 18 below when I left this morning!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME HERE????!!! I have found two things that I absolutely cannot live without as a Minnesotan: 1) A remote car starter- park myself up on the top of the ramp and start my car from the office! Doesn’t get much better than that! 2) Heated car seats. Need I say more? It’s so nice to not have a numb ass when I get home from work.

So I went in for this month’s first ultrasound. Not good. One dominant follicle on the right side measuring 1.3cm. Ugh. Not very big- my doc likes to see them around 2.5 before doing a trigger or anything else. We also came up with a game plan- we’re going to give it one more month on our own and then next month should we be unsuccessful, move to IUI. She really couldn’t find any reason that we’re not getting pregnant! WTF?!!! It is definitely more frustrating to not have anything wrong than to have something wrong and at least KNOW why it isn’t happening. Why do I have to be one of those unexplained cases??? I’m going to stick to my mantra this month: 3rd Time’s a Charm!!!!

I recently started going to church again- it is HUGE for me to be okay with going by myself. I am calling it my re-introduction to God. Strangely, as I suffered from massive migraine headaches all weekend, I felt at peace while at church. I also know that my life seemed much better when I was involved more with God than not. I’ve really fallen away from that in the past 10 years or so and really want to get it back. While I haven’t fully given in to leaving our fertility up to Him, I am getting there. Finding and having faith is not an easy thing to come by and I’m not expecting it to happen overnight.

“Joe” and I have really made some positive changes over the past couple weeks. We’re both watching our diets, exercising and be very conscious of how we are living our lives. Hopefully this positive change will be our magic potion to getting us pregnant. Meanwhile, I’ve been giving some very serious thought to going to graduate school. Besides the pregnancy thing, I’ve always felt like I was selling myself short in my career and that I could do so much more. Sure, it’ll fill a big void, but it is something I can be proud of. I hope I can make it happen.

What the deuce!!!!

I am a complete emotional wreck today. I already broke down in tears over one of the stupidest things ever and now I’m just a glob sitting here unable to think or work or do anything productive whatsoever.

So, WTF? I didn’t have any side effects last month but this month people should run for their lives when they see me coming? This crap gives me insomnia too. If I’m not awake, I’m having the most crazy nightmarish dreams ever. Why can’t I just be pregnant and throwing up and sleeping all the time? When, oh when can I stop this crazy torture??

I’m off to chick flick night. I’m sure Catch and Release will be really uplifting for me today *stuff tissues into pocket*.