Mixed Bag Of Rant

Okay, so, perfect example of how quickly a woman’s mood can change on a dime. My post yesterday? You know, about the girl who made what I thought were not so supportive comments? Well, today, I feel absolutely terrible about saying that I wished a BFN on her. I don’t wish a BFN on ANYone who is TTC and desperately wanting a baby. I am a horrible, horrible person for saying so. Today, she posted that she took a test and it was BFN. Did I curse her? I feel awful!! Forgive me dear sweet community member! I wish you only truckloads of baby dust and double-line wishes.

I’m one to talk. I did test today and it was BFN. I was too ashamed to post in my one community because I was SO SURE that this was the month. It is however very early as I am only 10 dpo. So until this Saturday, I will refrain from POAS.

JoKo’s TTC Code of Honor

On my honor
I promise not to POAS
I promise not to scrutinize my every symptom
I promise not to be jealous of all the other pregnant girls in my online communities
I promise not to blame myself for a BFN
I promise not to blame my dear husband for a BFN
I promise not to let this get me down and to keep trying

P.S. Did I mention that we really want a little girl?

Okay, so I actually have no correlation between the two, but sounds good right?

Firstly, I absolutely hate election time. While I admittedly lean towards the Republican side of the fence, it doesn’t make me like voting. Mostly because with the political ads that are out there, how on earth are you to know what someone stands for? Politicians spend way too much time slandering their opponents to focus on telling the people what they are going to do while in office. I feel insulted that they don’t trust me as a voter to make the right decision. I included the Patty Wetterling clip above because I think she’s kind of an idiot that obviously doen’t know what she’s talking about.

So the whole pregnancy thing. Yeah, I’ve kinda turned into a full-on psycho about this. I’ve got enough pregnancy tests to last me the entire week although it is still too early to test and I claim that every last twinge I have is because I’m knocked up. I think for the first time since we really started “trying” following the miscarriage, our timing was impeccable. How could I not be? I don’t know why I feel so strongly that this month is different. If it isn’t the month, I don’t even know how I’ll react. I did make the decision that if we didn’t get pregnant this month that I am going to a fertility specialist to find out exactly what the problem is. So with my sore boobs, nasty taste in my mouth, nausea and whatever other stupid symptoms I think I may have. God, this sucks. So, I go to a pregnancy website to share my joys and sorrows with a group of women who I’d like to think are in the same boat as me. With the exception of one who crushed my soul. I made a sarcastic crack similar to my ranting above about my “imaginary” symptoms. Instead of saying “haha- I make myself believe I have symptoms too”, she says, “I reviewed your charts and it looks like you have the same symptoms at the same time every month”. THANKS for stating the obvious. Thanks for crushing my hopes. Geesh. I am still so annoyed by that comment that I’m hoping she gets a BFN and has to move to a different due date board. I know that’s bitchy, but I really don’t need a negative nelly in my life. I have enough voices of reason- I don’t need it from board I look to for support! So, as I go on with the rest of my week, I will continue to have faith and hope. I will pray that this is it. That a baby has been made.

How you go from this:

To losing it all?

I blame it on stress… the pressure to perform. To live up to expectations. Or, another term: self-fulfilling prophecy. Saying “I’m not going to screw up this time” and then screwing up. Being Joe Mauer, the best batter in MLB, 2 outs, 2 men on base and grounding into an out. We built these poor guys up to be our heroes. What happens now that they didn’t make it? Do we go back to watching games in half-filled domes?

I’ve been a Twins fan since I was a little kid. At age 9, my parents took us to spring training in Orlando. Somewhere on a hello kitty notepad, I have the autographs from ball players such as Kent Hrbeck, Tom Brunansky, and our beloved Kirby Puckett. I was a softball firstbaseman for 10 years- proudly wearing my number 14 every year. So, even though they lost in the playoffs again this year, I will continue to be a proud Twins fan. To all the fairweather fans out there? Fine. Don’t go to the games next year. You just left the best seats open for me!

Oh yeah- and in response to my last entry? I’m not pregnant. Again. Yet another pressure-filled self-fulfilling prophecy.

How to overcome this? Continue to do everything you need to do to get to your goal. Whatever it takes. Most importantly continue to dream big!