Mixed Bag Of Rant

Okay, so I may have told a fib in my last blog. Perhaps it was the mood of the day, perhaps it was raging hormones. Anyway. I decided I cannot give up my baby message forums. After visiting with them for the past month or so, I realized that I am truly invested in their lives and want to offer whatever support I can in lieu of my own experience. Do I often feel jealous of the pregnancy success of others? Heck yeah. The green-eyed monster comes out full force when someone announces their big fat positive (BFP). On the other hand- I’m happy for them. Many of them have had a much more difficult time than me and it is ignorant of me to feel so much hurt over their success. So, I’m taking it back. I’m going to continue visiting these community message boards and continue supporting the other women whose hopes and dreams are so similar to mine. I have girlfriends, but not a single one of them is even remotely in the same place as me in life, so I really don’t have a lot of places to go with my questions, my failures, and hopefully soon, my victory. So while it is hard to bury the monster, it feels much better to say a prayer and know that they are all there praying just as hard with me. Taking control of your health and your fertility does NOT make you crazy, it makes you smart. I will feel much more in control of my next pregnancy knowing what I know today.



Let me take a moment to dicuss today the two week wait (2WW). By far the point in the past 8 months during my monthly cycle that is the most frustrating and horrible. For me, I need insta-results. Unfortunately, that type of information is just not available where pregnancy is concerned. Instead, those of us TTC women out there will get this point and start taking measure of every last feeling and vibe in their bodies. For me, I am about 10 days past ovulations (10 dpo) and I swear I feel nauseous, dizzy, exhausted, my boobs not only hurt with a pain unheard of but they appear to have been getting bigger (if that’s even possible), and of course I swear my dog has a sixth sense about these things and has been trying to tell me something with her recent bout of incontinence. The picture here is what my baby would look like right now if I am. Of course… I told myself I felt all these things LAST month too. Thus… the torture of the 2WW. THIS is what will make a TTC woman crazy!! All I can do is sit back and pray until either aunt flo shows up for her monthly visit or, by miracle, we have actually grown a gift from God.



A special shout out to my friends at http://www.sparkpeople.com and http://www.babyfit.com (particularly the girls from the Baby Dust & Sticky Vibes Group Forum and March 2007 Group Forum). You are all amazing women and I’m so happy we are in this together. Thank you for your inspiration and guidance. God Bless You in this journey!

Since I appear to completely suck at writing a blog… I’ve decided I have a few excuses for why I don’t write more often:
1) I bore easily when projects seem to not be entertaining enough
2) A.D.D. keeps me from actually completing a full entry. When I try to go back to what I was writing about, I’ve already forgotten what it was I was trying to say
3) I feel like I’m pretty much just talking to myself which is boring
4) I have had writers blcok for 21 days
5) Feel like I am not as witty as my husband Joe Nobody and cannot compete for the better blog (he proudly actually has outside readers other than his direct friends and family)
6) Fear ridicule from other bloggers that I may not be good enough
7) Am insecure
8) Am not opinionated enough to be a blogger- could really give a shit about most everything

I’m sure I’ll think of more as I continue to rant about everything and nothing over the past 20 days.

TTC(Trying To Conceive): So me and Joe are still trying to have a fricken baby. I seriously have no idea what we’re doing wrong here. I’m under the impression that I am once again not pregnant this month. Maybe I’m pessimistic after 8 months of a near success but mostly failure. I, like my husband Joe, hate to fail and it is making me miserable. I’m tired of phantom symptoms- i.e. my boobs hurting like hell right now and the need to take a nap at any given moment of the day. I’m tired of charting, counting, checking mucus (gross), and peeing on a stick. I have yet to understand why it is so easy for some women to get knocked up (a co-worker of mine and his wife just had a baby a couple months ago and are pregnant again), and seemingly impossible for myself. So, as it stands right now, should I get yet another Big Fat Negative (or BFN as we call it in the BabyFit.com community board world), I am simply going to go back to being ME, JoKo again. That means, not worrying about having a beer at any given time, not taking and charting my temperature every morning like a freak, and cutting myself off from these message boards whose true purpose is to provide support but only make me more frustrated, emotional, and jealous. While I’m sure I’ll be paying close attention to what my body is doing, I cannot go on living this way. I’m sure, when the time is right, we’ll be graciously blessed with a baby and I just need to have faith.

The Doctor’s Office: Okay, so it was time again for my annual exam with my OB/GYN. I won’t disgust anyone with the gory details, but I have some frustrations with going to see the doctor in general. Here’s my story: I had a 9:00am appointment with a new doctor. After sitting in the lobby for about oh, 10 minutes or so, a nurse came up to the receptionist and said “Dr. Hughes just showed- she is running an hour behind”. Are you fricken kidding me?? Knowing full well that there was likely another gal in front of me, I waited it out. Girl with appointment before me storms the reception desk after another 10 mintues and says this sucks and is leaving. Which is what I wish I had done. This obviously bumped me up in time, or so I thought. After a grand total of a 45 minute wait in the waiting room, I went in with the NP, took blood, pissed in a cup, and whatever torture she felt she needed to inflict on me. She then left me alone to disrobe and said (and I quote) “It really shouldn’t be long at all”. Uh. 40 additional minutes in a flimsy, cold gown is a fricken long time in my book. By the time my new doc walked in, I expected a “I’m so sorry for the wait”. Instead? She was sorta bitchy, did her thing, barely gave me the opportunity to ask questions and left. Uh. Do I wait? Are you going to send me my labs? Can I get my normal clothes back on? WTF? So, I got dressed and left. Whatever. Anyway, I guess my point is, besides being pissed about the wait, is: I believe that doctors- even though they make a gazillion dollars and are normally well respected- should still be “customer friendly”. Being fully-insured, I have options. Does she not want my money? Does she not care about my business? Apparantly not, since she felt it was just fine to show up an hour late with zero apologies to her patients. The room was a very small claustrophobic room. No locks on the door mind you (I don’t want just ANYONE walking in and seeing my EVERYTHING). Needless to say, it was a horrible experience. Not that annuals are ever fun, but uh, this really took the cake. I will NEVER go back to this place or this doctor.

Movie Reviews: “Joe” and I have been movie-goin’ fools lately!!

The Break Up: Okay, I didn’t torture Joe with this movie, although, being a Vince Vaughn fan, I think he would’ve actually enjoyed it. I thought the movie was good and I enjoyed it. The movie takes place in Chicago, Vince Vaughn plays a tour bus guide for his family-owned company, Jennifer Aniston some art seller. Within the first 20 minutes of the movie, I leaned over to my girlfriend and said- “I totally married this guy!!”. He leaves his dirty, nasty socks and underwear all over the house, he sits down with a beer instead of helping out with dinner and chores before guests arrive for dinner, he plays XBox all hours of the day and night… You get the picture. Before long, Jen’s character gets pissed and essentially they break up. Neither want to get rid of the condo that they bought together and for the most part try to make each other jealous and mad with all kinds of schemes and ploys. SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! In the end, to my surprise, they do not get back together. They move out of the condo and they go their separate ways. They broke up! Anyway- as I said, I liked it. I enjoy Vince Vaughn’s brand of humor and have always adored Jennifer Aniston as an actress. I’ll likely buy this one for my chick flick collection!

The DaVinci Code: Despite the very negative reviews this movie got, I really, really enjoyed it. After reading the book, I definitely wanted to see a visual representation of it. They followed the book to the letter!! No spoiler here- if you read the book you know exactly what happens. Tom Hanks didn’t bother me too much- I am a Hanks fan myself- however I do wish they had chosen someone a little more rugged & handsome. My utmost favorite of the film was of course Ian McKellin playing Teabing. He was, in a word, FANTASTIC. I loved the sites, the sounds and loved seeing this story played out on film- it was sort of like my imagination come to life (with a better looking Langdon of course). As far as the controversy… HUH? There is none. This is FICTION. It’s like dinosaurs getting pissed about Jurassic Park. Just stupid. Does it spark discussion? Absolutely. My opinion? Yes, the church would greatly be disrupted if it was true that Jesus did get married and have children. Would it be the end of Christianity? Who says that just because he was God that he couldn’t fall in love and have children? He was indeed, a man. Maybe then Catholic priests would be allowed to get married and maybe the church wouldn’t be facing the problems it has today. Again, my humble opinion. As a Catholic, I of course very passionately believe that Jesus died for my sins, rose again and on the 3rd day ascended into heaven. If he were indeed married, it would make me feel like he was just like me.

Cars: Okay, change of pace… I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!! You just can’t go wrong with Pixar. Truthfully, if you’ve seen the movie Doc Hollywood, then you have already seen this. However, the animation was incredible, the characters loveable, and the one-liners absolutely priceless. It was so cute, and so fun. I’m not sure what it is, I find the cars with faces absolutely hysterical! Can’t wait for it to come out on DVD so we can add to our ever-growing Pixar collection!

Coming Soon to Movie Reviews: Superman, XMen 3, and The Devil Wears Prada.

Now that I have taken up a huge portion of my ever-boring day (which is another whole blog in and of itself), I will sign off.

What is it that makes perfectly happy, sane, content women like myself turn into raging baby making monsters? My husband “Joe” and I started trying to conceive (or TTC as we call it in the insanity of the message board community) on our wedding night (10/15/05) and have been trying ever since. As I had posted in the past, we were successful a couple months ago, and to our great disappointment and overwhelming grief, I miscarried. I still still think about the time often, and even though brief, an amazing and wonderful time for us. We were certainly “trying” in every sense of the word, but I wasn’t at the time this crazy person- tracking my BBT (Basal Body Temperature), CV (cervical mucus), and writing down every last feeling and notion that I have. We were just being… newlyweds. Some say that just being every day average newlyweds and not “trying” is what got us pregnant. I say it was correct timing and complete dumb luck. After going through such a tragedy, I decided that I want to be better prepared, I want to know when, I want to know why, I want to know what… Why? Less unanswered questions when things go wrong, and support to bring to my doctor when the time comes. It’s completely insane, but for some twisted reason makes me feel more comfortable and more cautious. We were unsuccessful at our attempt this last month. I contributed it to a number of other factors in our lives but most importantly: “Joe” took a new job that he actually has to wake his ass up for every morning and shockingly had less desire to do the BD (baby dance) with me. It’s not often he turns me down. Just bad planning. So, the plan for June: GET IT ON MORE OFTEN. It really is the only way!!

Thinking back, when we got pregnant last time, it was such a wonderful surprise and even a little shocking. We weren’t sure how we felt other than feeling like we had a lot to do. We then started talking about how to tell our family, our friends… We got excited. While I’m sure I’ll be excited when I get pregnant again, I’m sure there will be an enormous part of me that will be skeptical and pessimistic. What I have learned is that I now want a baby more than anything else. I know for real that I’m ready.

God- please if you are reading this now, and I’m sure you read blogs :), I hope you will bless us with a child.