Mixed Bag Of Rant

I have read at least two blog posts in the last couple days from people who said something like the following:

“All I did were these simple techniques and the weight just came off.”

Well fucking lucky for you that you were able to apply “simple” techniques such as eating less and taking a walk around the block at night and magically lost weight.

Imagine for a second having issues with weight management YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. Being called “thunder thighs” in jr. high (true story). Having a guy dump you because you gained weight (yup. also a true story). Imagine for a moment someone who applied these oh so simple techniques with NO RESULTS. Frustrating, right? Welcome to my world. Welcome to the world of so many others that I know who have/are struggling too.

I truly believe there is not one all-encompassing weight loss tactic that works for all people. I am not a dietitian or a personal trainer, but in my many (MANY!) years of trying to lose weight, I believe that everyone is different. What works for you will not work for me and what worked for me is probably not going to work for someone else.

Every program out there needs to deal with the larger population as a whole (no pun intended). So how do you find the program that is going to work for you? You have to keep trying. You have to know when to walk away from something that isn’t working and try something different. A lot of people think Medifast is a fad diet. While that may be true in some ways, it was THE ONLY program that worked for me after a lot of years to lose a lot of weight. For me, it wasn’t a “finish the program and move on” thing for me. I will need to have ongoing tools and support for the rest of my life. While Weight Watchers did not work as a weight loss program for me, it has worked perfectly at helping me to maintain and for that reason alone, I will continue to pay for my monthly online access as long as it continues to keep me on track.

My point is… It’s just not SIMPLE. So, please PLEASE stop calling weight loss simple. If that were true, everyone would be skinny and there wouldn’t be such an obesity epidemic. I am happy that your weight loss was easy. I am jealous that all you had to do was eat less and go for a walk around the block.

All your easy journey does is make me feel sad and resentful. Why can’t this be easy for me? Why couldn’t I just lose the weight and have it stay off? Why does this forever have to feel like so much work? Why can’t it be SIMPLE for me, too?

For the most part, I have accepted that weight management will never be simple for me. I will always have to work hard against my genetics and against my anti-carb metabolism. Healthy living will have to be a part of my world forever if I want to remain a size 8. Will I screw up? Absolutely. Will I have to work double time make up for it? Yup. Welcome to my every single day.

So please, if you are one of those people who found your weight loss to be easy, can you just lie to me instead?

Thanks!

You all know that I lost a shit ton of weight over the last year. Yes, I feel great. Yes, I know I look different. I mean, I’ve seen the photographic proof. I’ve seen the numbers both with weight and the inches. Somehow it never seems to be enough. But do I ACTUALLY believe I am beautiful? Will I ever feel awesome about myself? Will the former fat girl in me ever leave me alone? I actually found some clarity recently, but I still think it begs the question:

What does it take to make you truly feel awesome about your self?

Does someone need to tell you?

Your spouse?
Your family?
Your child?
A stranger?

Does something need to happen? 

Fitting into and shopping for smaller sizes?
Being comfortable on an airplane?
Wearing a bikini with confidence (how the hell do you do that)?
Running 3 miles without stopping?

Did losing weight make me beautiful or is that what I thought it took to be beautiful? I lost all the weight… WHY DON’T I FEEL BEAUTIFUL??

I’m not certain what the answers are for you; however, it took a whole lot of the above for me to finally get there. Why did it take so much? Is it so hard just to believe that I am worthy of feeling this way?

Frankly, yes it is hard to believe. When you have struggled your whole life with weight, it is hard to even fathom that you could actually be in the body you always imagined having. I could look in the mirror or take a thousand pictures of the new me, but it still isn’t enough. Yes, my spouse has told me I look great (but he is SUPPOSED to think I’m beautiful no matter what, right?). Yes, my family has told me (same rule for them that applies to the spouse). I love when my 4 year old tells me I’m pretty, but would he tell me that anyway? It’s kind of dumb when you think about it, but when you get attention from strangers…  That is kind of the ultimate validation. A low whistle when you walk by. Being hit on at the bar. There is something awesome about finally reaching a pinnacle where a total stranger finds you attractive enough to make a comment, in which case I blush furiously, shake my head and flash my wedding ring reminding them that someone got there first. The person who always loved me no matter what size I was.

But alas… there is more. Other things needed to happen. Shopping for smaller sizes- when the sales lady asks if you need another size and you say, “Yes, can I try that in a 6 (holy shit)?” Or you come out of a dressing room and another person says, “That dress looks amazing on you. Definitely buy it.” When I got on an airplane in August and I felt comfortable in my seat and at Disney where I never felt too big for the rides (too short… well, that is another issue). I shopped for bikinis last summer and actually didn’t hate it (there is proof… but I am much to shy to share it here). Being able to run a 5K without blinking. Running a 5K in 33 minutes. Wha?? The old fat girl I used to be couldn’t do that. Signing up for a 7K. Considering a 10K. The old me wouldn’t have been able to fathom running either of these distances. The old me wouldn’t have been running at all!

Holy crap. That’s a lot of work to feel awesome about myself.

All of this is finally a reality for me. I finally feel beautiful and awesome, but not because I lost weight. No. It is because I finally started believing in myself. There is a confidence in my step. Even a little ego in my smile. Guess what? I’ve earned it. I worked hard for it. I will need to work hard to keep it. I’ve got this.

Will everyone else have to continue to work as hard to remind me?

Nope, because I’m already there.

One of the most challenging parts of starting a new job is the loneliness. Yes, people are kind. Yes, people are friendly. But making friends at work doesn’t exactly happen overnight. As I head into my 6th month in my new world, things are finally starting to slip into place. My work is fun and challenging. I have some semblance of work/life balance shaping up. I work with people who are fun and smart.

One of the things I have had trouble with adjusting to in my new work world is my workout routine, especially now that it is dark so early in the evening, the motivation has been lagging. Thankfully, in a sidebar conversation with a colleague the other day, we decided that we need to start working out together over lunch! I have a gym membership and there is a location here in Downtown Mpls that I can visit. So what is my hold up? THERE ISN’T ONE. We decided that starting in January we will take Zumba together at least once a week as a minimum. I’m just SO excited that I found someone who appreciates fitness as much as I do! I felt like a teenager coming home from my first day of school screaming, “Mom, I made a new friend today!”

How are things going in the weight maintenance department you ask? I’m officially retired from Medifast and I am happy to say it isn’t because I was a quitter- it was because I ACTUALLY COMPLETED THE PROGRAM. Holy shit. After years of failure on making lifetime at Weight Watchers, it feels good to say that I made it. Yes, my weight has fluctuated as my body tries to figure out exactly what I’m trying to do to it. Yes, I gained a few over Halloween. I am officially tracking and maintaining via Weight Watchers Online and it has been invaluable in helping me stick with my healthy lifestyle. You know what is amazing? I am okay. I’m okay with gaining a few pounds and I’m glad for it because it means I am conscious of what is going on. I’m still surprised when people say I’m “skinny”. This week, I donated blood (and feel good about doing my part because the supply is heading to victims of Hurricane Sandy)- they had asked if I was eligible to donate platelets but besides being too short, I was also under the minimum weight requirement. I can’t say that has ever happened to me! It feels awesome that I can legitimately be done with the “weight loss” mode of my life and learn how to be this new me.

I did decide to run in one more 5K for the season: the Turkey Day 5K. I LOVE that my good friend Kathy is getting into running and that I have a buddy to do these events with! I have a feeling that she is going to start kicking my ass soon. I’m so proud of her. I’m really excited about doing this 5K though because at least I won’t feel quite as guilty about indulging on that Thanksgiving dinner. My husband and son are planning to join me that morning and I have an extra incentive to finish under 34 minutes- I want to watch my kiddo compete in the Kids K which is 1 lap around the track. He is SO excited to race like his mommy and I am so thrilled that I could even remotely be such a good fitness role model for him.

Overall, I am in a really good place. I am content with my weight. I am content with how I look. I’m content with my job. Stay tuned for a future blog post on the one thing that might be missing.

He’s my reason for everything.

I know, I know… I have been absent lately. The last couple weeks have been very strange for me. Leaving a job that I have been at for 5 years was a huge thing. I think I held onto it for as long as I did because I didn’t think it was possible to “manage” my life starting over somewhere new. You know… full-time job, mom, family, self, etc. I had a good schedule down. I had things figured out. But, something was missing and I knew I was selling myself short professionally.

I have been able to take some time off between jobs. I am proud that I stood up for my need to have this week off, even though my new gig wanted me to start right away. My husband is away on a fishing trip with the “men” this week. While I’m sure I could have worked things out to manage a new job and my kid, I’m so glad I chose not to. As a matter of fact… I am loving my time at home. I feel relaxed and at peace. I don’t feel rushed. I am enjoying time with my boy, just the two of us. As I was getting dinner ready tonight, he ran up to me, threw his arms around my legs and said, “I forgot to give you a hug when you picked me up at school so I’ll give you one now.”

He’s my reason for everything. Especially my weight loss.

Yes, I have enjoyed the “benefits” of my weight loss. The size 8, the shopping for a new wardrobe, the two piece. I still kind of look at myself in the mirror, especially at group fitness classes and wonder if that could really be me. But it was about more than that for me. I wanted to lower my blood pressure (103/70 today… lowest in 4 years). My cholesterol was high. My BMI, a 32 when I started, was considered obese. I wanted to stop the spread of my endo. I wanted to do all these things for my health so I could be around for my little boy for a long, long time.

Today, I did it. I reached the finish line. Goal at Medifast is a little different. They take more into account than that elusive number on the scale. They look at your overall picture. At 151 lbs (just 1 pound from my original goal), they determined that I was ready to start my transition. With all the muscle weight I hav eput on, it wasn’t necessary to lose any more fat. It is possible I will continue to lose weight during transition; however, the goal is to get me back in the real world. This week, I get to add in an additional serving of veggies and I can choose from any of them (corn, potatoes and avocados for example are prohibited during the weight loss phase). Next week fruit. Then dairy. Then grains. Each week I will get to drop down the number of Medifast meals as they teach me how to eat going forward.

A pic of an outfit I tried on at Express. I still can’t believe I fit in these clothes!

While I reached the weight loss finish line, I know this isn’t the end of the journey for me. Maintenance will be a lifelong deal and I anticipate it being the hardest part. Let’s face it. I’ve got some food addictions. I’ve got some food issues. Maintaining this weight will not be easy for me.

For today, I am celebrating. I’ve lost 60 pounds over the last year and a half. I’ll be honest when I say that I never, EVER thought I would actually make goal. I struggled for so many years… I can’t even find the words to express what this means to me. I cannot thank Medifast enough for getting me to this milestone. I know there are many naysayers out there who are expecting me to gain all the weight back and all I have to say to them: thank you for the motivation to continue keeping it off. I will prove you wrong. 

My husband will be taking my official before & after photos which of course I will post for all of you to see. The question is… what to wear???