Mixed Bag Of Rant

I made it! We are officially in the 2nd trimester!

If there is one thing this pregnancy has done, it has done a number on my emotions and self-esteem. As much as I want to eat healthy and make amazing choices for my baby, I also have this driving desire just to get through the dang day. Sometimes that means potato chips. And popcorn. And despite my stomach’s revulsion to it, frozen yogurt. I’m going to gain weight. I don’t want to, but it is inevitable. I am constantly reminding myself that I weigh 40 pounds less than I did when I was pregnant with my Jackson. It is a constant battle in my brain every day that all of this is OKAY.

I signed up for the Healthy Living, Healthy Pregnancy program through my insurance and employer. On the upside, I get tons of free shit like the Mayo Healthy Pregnancy book and a $50 Visa Gift Card after I give birth. I have a dedicated nurse that will call me every 6-8 weeks and I can call her anytime as well. Sounds great, right? Well, I got a little pissed off at nursey in my initial consultation. Here’s the deal. I have an amazing OB. Yes, technically I am still considered overweight despite my massive weight loss efforts over the last 2.5 years; however, she knows in hindsight that I was 40 POUNDS HEAVIER when I was pregnant with Jackson. She told me where she would like me to keep my weight gain and that was that. There hasn’t been another discussion about it. So when I told nursey my current weight, I got nothing but lecture about my risk for gestational diabetes (which even when I was a fatty in my first pregnancy, I didn’t have) and high birth weight for my baby. I of course got defensive. The very last thing I need right now is this self-righteous, script reading nurse judging me. And don’t get me started on her breastfeeding lectures… I was at 12 WEEKS during this conversation. Really?? REALLY?? The jury is still out on whether I will try breastfeeding again, give the baby some via pump or just save myself from my PPD risk and bottle feed. Anyone who tries to question me or lecture me on this subject WILL feel my wrath. It is my choice. Period. End of story. I will not be bullied into breastfeeding if it isn’t right for me. Anyway…  I digress… Basically, I will entertain nursey every 6-8 weeks. I just want the free goods. Pretty sure because I am in a high risk pregnancy that I’m more than being taken care of. Geesh. Back off lady. I’ve done this before.

This nurse just made me so mad. My whole life I have made excuses and defended my weight.

“I’m big boned” (that’s a favorite)
“It’s just the way I’m built”
“I like sweets and just want to live and be happy”

I’m so grateful that Medifast never shoved BMI down my throat. Their goal weights are based on so much more than that and when I hit the normal range on my biometrics (which was still considered an overweight BMI) they said, STOP. You are at goal. This is your normal and you look amazing. I am athletic. Muscular. So the excuse, “It’s just the way I am built” isn’t a lie or an excuse. It is my truth. I have accepted it. But, it still sucks to have to defend this to someone who knows nothing about me or the journey I went though to lose so much weight.

Beyond my issues with my weight and gaining weight, I am feeling okay. I still have bad days where the nausea is beyond overwhelming and nothing I do seems to be able to fight it. I definitely do not take my good days for granted! True excitement is settling in as we start making our lists for the things we need. Even Jackson is getting into it. He even picked a name if it is a girl. Ummm… Not sure what to do about that one??

Here is 14 weeks and I’m feeling pretty cute!

Another Easter has come and gone, but this year just felt different. I’m celebrating almost a year of the new “me” at goal weight (or, ahem… close enough to goal). Celebrating a revived marriage.

And oh yes. I celebrated. I celebrated with plenty of food sins. Do I regret it? Maybe a little. I’ve made some progress with my brain in terms of my eating sins. At least I KNOW now after eating like I did all weekend that I will have to make up for it. Did knowing this change my actions? No. But I also know that I can’t continue to eat like crap all the time either. I know better.

Just like everything, the things I can’t have? Not being able to have them makes me want those things more than ever. Food is no different. Not being able to “have” it makes me want to eat it that much more. And when I give in? It’s a rush. I mean what the hell? You heard it here first and I confess… I am addicted to naughty food that I can’t have unless I want to gain back 40 pounds. You know what? I don’t want that weight back on my ass. I’m going to continue to fight.

For the record. I did fail the DietBet. I hope the winners are enjoying my money. LOL. Not that I want to get all TMI or anything on a Monday, but mother nature kinda screwed me on the timing of the weigh in on the DietBet. Sorry, but even the best eating isn’t going to win the battle against that bitch.

Nonetheless. A new day. A new week. I am refreshed. What am I going to do to redeem myself?

1. Track my food. Even though I am following the South Beach Diet (which has actually worked, albeit slowly), I still need to write down what I eat. It’s called. Wait for it. ACCOUNTABILITY.
2. Follow my training plan. I have 27 days until my next 5K- the Get In Gear 5K. I have felt really sluggish lately. I’m sure a lot of it weather related. A lot of it just my own personal demons. I’m going to start committing to once a week runs with the Life Time Fitness Run Club (Let’s face it. I have a kid. If I can make it once a week at 6p, that is a lot). My Lucky Ladies Running Crew is also planning to run together at a minimum of once a month as well. Overall, I have SOMEthing exercise related to do DAILY. If it isn’t running, it is cross training. If it isn’t cross training it is strength training. If it isn’t any of those, I will sit and stretch while watching Y & R on my DVR. I seriously need it to be 50-60 degrees on a daily basis. 
3. Time to do a mini detox/cleanse. I came across Jillian Michael’s [not so] Secret Cleanse Recipe via Pinterest and was intrigued. It sounded a little gross. What I love about it? You don’t have to stop eating. You drink this in addition to your HEALTHY diet (meaning you limit processed foods sugar and alcohol as well as lower your sodium intake). Now, they gimmick this as losing 5 pounds in 7 days. I did it once before after a weekend of heaving boozing and I did lose 3 pounds in 5 days. Yes, all water weight. It’s easy to gain it back. However, when you are feeling as gross as I am after all the weekend sugar and carbs, this really helps to reduce the bloat. 

So here you have it- the Jillian Michael’s Secret Cleanse Recipe: 

• 60 Oz distilled water
• 2 TBS sugar free cranberry juice (not from concentrate)
• 2 dandelion root tea bags
• 4 TBS lemon juice
• mix and drink each day. (sipping through out the day)

You will find other versions of the recipe out on the Interwebz, but this is the formula that worked the best for me (my recipe is doubled with exception to the 60oz of water- that stayed the same. I just added more of the other goods). I was able to find all of the ingredients at Target, but you may need to go to a store like Whole Foods to find the cranberry juice and dandelion root tea. I usually fill a 60oz pitcher with the recipe and then fill one of those big 32 oz Nalgene bottles to bring it to work. I then drink the remainder at night. Please note… this concoction will make you pee all freaking day so be prepared for a lot of potty breaks! 

I have a couple other little secrets that have helped me along the way in terms of kicking the cravings. 

1. I chew sugar-free gum. A lot of gum. Yes, it messes with my TMJ but it’s a sacrifice I make to not stuff food in my mouth. Plus, I have ridiculously fresh, fruity breath. 
2. I polish my nails at night. Not every night, but probably every few days. Sounds like a crazy, tedious chore, right? Well, doing my nails means my hands are busy, I don’t want to mess up my pretty nails by digging into something to eat and the taste of nail polish remover? Disgusting. 
3. The more distractions the better!!!! 
4. One last secret… a supplement from Life Time Fitness called Lean Source. It isn’t some magic pill that makes me lose weight. None of them are. However when combined with a healthy diet and exercise, I am a firm believer that it has enhanced my results. I can definitely tell the difference when I miss a dose. This little tidbit of info on Lean Source is what got me to try it because you know, I’m an old lady: “7-Keto™ supports proper hormonal levels, including balancing thyroid hormone levels, which may be more significant in women over age 30.” and this: “Clarinol™ CLA (conjugated linoleic acid) has been shown to support reductions in body fat while helping to maintain or increase lean body mass.” So yeah. It was worth a try. I like it so far. 

See? No naughty Easter eating is going to bring me down!! You gotta jump right back on that train and keep going. TAKE THAT CHOCOLATE BUNNY! I WIN!!! 

I hope you and your family had a very blessed Easter! 

P.S. Singing vid is coming… Stay tuned my loyal readers! 

I have complained a bit about my holiday weight gain. Yes, it is the end of March and I am still bitching about gaining weight 3 months ago. As someone who has lost a massive amount of weight in the last two years, I will pretty much do anything to keep the weight off. As the scale has slowly moved up over the last 4 months or so, I have been freaking out a little.

When I found out about the DietBet, I thought, what the heck? Make some cash? Maybe this will be a good incentive to try something different to stay motivated. Losing weight is hard for me. It never comes easy and I have a hard time avoiding the things that cause me to gain (i.e. heavy carbs such as bread and rice and of course there is alcohol).

What is DietBet you ask? DietBet is a game where you’ve got 4 weeks to lose 4% of your starting weight. To begin, everyone puts money into the pot. After four weeks, whoever’s hit their 4% goal is a winner and splits the pot.

The game I joined? The pot is over $8,000.

So… yeah, you are basically betting that other people will fail which is kind of sad. How I am I doing with the bet? Well, I hit my 4% last week which is miraculous really; however… based on my alcohol consumption over the weekend (which wasn’t that much and annoys the piss out of me that it caused so much water gain), I am up a couple pounds as of today. I kind of feel like you need to exceed that 4% prior to the game ending so you have a buffer. Honestly, I’m not sure if I will make it.

Regardless of whether or not I make it back down to the 4% goal, it has helped me to refocus and invigorate my desire to maintain a healthy weight and a healthy lifestyle. I have had a number of personal issues weighing heavily (no pun intended) on me the last few weeks and all I have wanted to do was sit around and do nothing. I feel like even my day job work has suffered given the enormity of the distraction taking over all parts of my brain.  The DietBet has been a nice distraction for me.

Usually running is an excellent outlet for me to work out my issues, but I’ve been so blue that I haven’t wanted to do that much either. It really is out of the norm for me to feel this broken! So to help in getting back on track, I’ve put together a running/training schedule to get me pumped and ready for my next 5K on April 27th. I do think that once it actually turns into spring here in Minnesota that my mood will improve drastically. I do NOT enjoy running in the cold and snow so I have been anxious for a warm up. I’m so excited for my ladies running crew- we are kicking things off next week with a happy hour. How fitting! I am also considering my local Life Time Run Club- they do social runs 3 days a week and I think it would be a great way for me to meet other runners as well as push and challenge myself further in my running pursuits.

Here is my inspiration for success:

Crossing the Finish Line: Get Lucky 7K

And of Course…

Love this kid. He makes me want to be the best I can be.

I swear I’m going to make it out of this ridiculously long winter funk!

I was having a conversation with my close friend the other day about my insane workout schedule, and he said to me, “I need to catch your workout bug!” To which I replied, “It’s not a bug, it’s a lifestyle.”

While I continue to struggle in the nutrition department, I am proud that I have made fitness such a necessary and regular part of my routine. When I contracted walking pneumonia in December, it put me down for a month. As in NO exercise. None. At all. I cannot believe how much I missed it and craved it. I suppose it is entirely possible I am overcompensating right now for that month away in trying to do both a 10K training program and the 30 Day Shred at the same time (yes, it is possible that I am also certifiably insane). However, I feel like I have a lot to make up for in missing those 4-5 weeks of pretty much zero activity.

I also gained about 7 pounds thank you to the ridiculous amount of Christmas cookies and alcohol I consumed over the holidays. Holy shit. Did I mention my Super Bowl Sunday sins? It wasn’t pretty friends. Not pretty at all. Between the wings, the chips, the dip and the beer (to mention just a few) I gained an additional 2 pounds this week putting me officially 7 pounds over my goal weight threshold.

I have a lot to make up for. Losing 7-10 pounds may not seem like a big deal for most people, but for me? I may as well try to climb a mountain. Losing weight does not come easy for me. I can’t just “give up” something and the pounds magically come off. My body does not work that way. It took me 2 years to lose 50 pounds. Yikes.

Despite the fact that I am sore on a daily basis because of my buddy Jillian, I am strangely enjoying the torture. Sore means I do not use those muscles enough. Sore means I need to work harder. Sore means I should probably be drinking more water (as I run to the kitchen to fill up another bottle). I don’t intend to keep this workout pace forever. Getting up before 5:00 in the morning really, really sucks. So why on earth am I putting myself and my body through this agony? I’ll tell you why: to prove that I can. To prove to myself that I can set a 30 day goal and stick to it without wavering. If I am truly “shredded” at the end of this, that will just be the icing on the cake. It will also serve as proof that her program works.

Even though I started out pretty sore with the Shred, my body has been growing stronger. I found that I don’t have to do the modified versions. My run pace has increased from 11 min/mile to 10:45 min/mile (which may not seem like a big deal for the very seasoned runners, but this is huge for me- I have been trying to break 11 minutes for over a year now). If there are any takeaways from doing the Shred over the last 15 days, it is showing me the importance of cross training and strength training and how much it can make a difference in running.

For someone like me, who very easily stumbles off the wagon when it comes to diet and exercise, it is extremely important for me to constantly be making very specific goals to stay motivated. I don’t think motivation to exercise is my problem. I’ve got that part down. However my nutrition… it is the monkey on my back… the bane of my existence… the reason for all of my weight management issues.

What I need is to find a way to incorporate my motivation that I had towards Medifast towards REAL food. Why is it that I was able to follow Medifast meticulously, but when I switched to eating real food I have absolutely zero willpower? I have been tracking points on WeightWatchers and it has done zero for me in terms of losing these extra pounds- hell, I actually GAINED weight since I re-started my WW online tools. I’ve tried SparkPeople, I’ve tried My Fitness Pal. I signed up for a free week on JillianMichaels.com but really hated the site (compared to the WW site, it is like it was built by a college grad out of someone’s basement) but I did get a free copy of Ripped in 30 out of the deal which I will do post-surgery, probably starting in May or June.

So, now what??? I need a meal plan, but do not want to do anything expensive like Medifast, Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig or Seattle Sutton (etc etc etc). So,  I decided to try SpecialK.com. No, I’m not doing the Special K Challenge (i.e. eating cereal for every meal like a college kid). They actually have a really nice meal plan with simplified, healthy recipes for busy people like myself. What I like about it is that it is specific. I think where I get in trouble with Weight Watchers is that it is so wide open to interpretation and with that much flexibility, I get a little too relaxed and that is when I start to cheat. I literally make justifications for my shitty choices. It is amazing. With a very specific and set plan, I am much more likely to stick to it. Of course I need to stay mindful of the insane amount of calories I am burning while running and doing the Shred; however, the “plan” will at least keep me in check. Just like with Medifast, if you stick to the plan, it works.

If you stick to the plan. It works.

If you stick to the plan. It works.

If I say this mantra a million times over, will it stick?

P.S. I just chose an apple over a Girl Scout cookie. Progress has been made. As for the wine I am about to consume one hour from now… that is another issue altogether.

I’ll confess it out loud: I am the queen of holiday weight gain.

Perhaps most people start their holiday eating downfall at Thanksgiving. Mine starts much earlier: Halloween. Candy everywhere. I have zero willpower against a mini Hershey’s bar. We dumped the remains of our candy into the last few lucky trick-or-treater’s bags; however, my son still came home with a load. We kept a few “special occasion” treats and put them in a place that is significantly difficult for me to reach. Then there is work. Everyone seemed to have brought their extras in and are placed ever so strategically so I have to walk by it every time I go to the printer. Since I didn’t post any Halloween pics… this sounds like the right time to show you the awesomeness that was our costumes this year:

Zombie Plastic Surgeon

My best friend. I gave her a special face lift.

I’ll leave you with a cute Ninja Turtle.

After a busy week and weekend filled with much more eating out than I care to do, I stepped on the scale this morning. Ouch. I have exceeded my weight threshold by 5 pounds (now 10 pounds over my goal) and must get back in action before the slide goes any further.

I freaking love holiday food. Cookies. Chex Mix. Candies. You name it. I love it. However: I will not let this holiday season get the best of me. I will not let this holiday season ruin my hard work.

I am so glad that I decided to use Weight Watchers as a tracking mechanism. I knew that reaching my goal weight wasn’t going to mean I could let go of the tools I used to get there. I clearly cannot be trusted to be left alone. I tracked my weekend food this morning and I was shocked at how many awful choices I made when I clearly thought I was being “good”. Frankly, I deserve to gain weight after my hideous weekend. Yikes. Tracking is SO important. No matter which tool you use whether it is Weight Watchers, SparkPeople, My Fitness Pal or just a plain old notebook just write down what you eat! Be accountable!

I also need to figure out my fitness. Yes, I’m running in a 5K fun run on Thanksgiving so I have to stay active if I want to be able to walk for the rest of the day next Thursday (okay… Thanksgiving is next Thursday? WTF time. Slow down already!). I am the CLASSIC example of the theory: Oh, I worked out so now I can eat like a pig. I must get rid of that mentality. Immediately.

My Running Buddy- At the Monster Dash

My initial reaction to my weight gain this week was wanting to run back to Medifast. That is not the answer for me. I NEED to learn how to deal with this in the real world. Don’t get me wrong, Medifast was excellent at helping me lose a mass amount of weight, but for a measly 5-10 pounds? I must be able to do this on my own eating real food.

So what’s my plan you ask?

• TRACK TRACK TRACK. I’ve already blown through my points allowance this week, so I have to be on point every day if I don’t want to see the scale creep up anymore. If I can remain honest with tracking, I should be able to make it through the holidays relatively unscathed. 
• WORKOUT. While I don’t have time to sit down with a trainer this week (and realistically, it probably won’t happen until the new year), I know what to do. As I discovered yesterday, running outside when it is cold as hell out is not my gig. My lungs STILL hurt today after yesterday’s 2 mile jaunt. I was actually thinking about starting the 5k-10k training program via treadmill to just SEE what I’m capable of. My friend really wants to do the Women Rock 10K next summer and I need to know what I’m able to do (19 minute mile is their minimum… I run an 11 min/mile 5K… not sure what a 10K will look like). Anyway… I digress… I plan to work out a minimum of 30 minutes every stinking day until I am under my threshold and then commit to a 5 day a week plan. Sound brutal? Well… it should be. I know better. Now I need to make up for it. More importantly, fitness needs to be a regular, routine part of my life if I hope to keep the weight off. 
• DRINK WATER. Since starting my job downtown, I have been inundated with a Caribou or Starbucks in nearly every skyway in this city. Admittedly, my coffee/caffeine consumption has tripled. It started out with my fascination of the Northern Lite Dark Chocolate Mocha (which boasts upwards of 200 calories or something nutzo like that) to being a little smarter and just filling up my mug with dark roast (FYI, I bought a new travel mug while waiting in line… I kid you not this thing keeps my coffee smokin’ hot all day long). While I do get 60oz of water in as a daily average, I could probably be drinking much, much more and I intend to do so. 

Since I hit my goal back in June, I have gained about 10 pounds. Fuuuuuuu…

Here’s the thing… I don’t know why! I followed the stabilization plan. Even when I did stray (ahem… Disney World), my food was accounted for. I have stayed around 1300 – 1600 calories per day and continued to exercise moderately. By all measures of science and biology or whatever, I should actually be losing weight.

I have been beyond frustrated.

A few weeks again, I met with a wonderful counselor at Medifast who felt my pain. I saw her the day after I came back from my vacation and she chuckled a bit that I was so flabbergasted by my weight gain. Bloated and vacationized, she told me to give it another week before I hop back on Jump Start. One week later, no change. I saw a different counselor who seemed to be unsympathetic and actually made me feel pretty shitty about my situation. She basically said no way to going back on Jump Start (WTF people…. don’t you want my money??) because it would mean starting over with stabilization. Why this bothered her, I don’t know. If it should be bothering anyone, it should be ME, right? Who the hell wants to start over?? I was so frustrated and put off by this session that I got into my car and had myself a good cry. I paid these people to help me come up with solutions! All I got is negative back talk. No support. No options to try.

Fast forward one week later. Sitting in the Medifast lobby, I was PRAYING I wouldn’t get this same girl again. I was not in the mood to have to defend myself (despite working my ass off all week… I somehow still felt like I would have to justify everything in my journal). Thankfully, I got a different gal (and for the life of me, I don’t know any of their names except for the one I don’t get along with). She sat and LISTENED. I told her how frustrated I was and how I didn’t understand the weight gain. I all but begged her to let me go back on Jump Start to lose these stupid 10 pounds that wiggled back in. Thankfully, she agreed.

Why was this a big deal to me? Losing 10 pounds in my world is all but impossible. Eating regular food, I tried to implement some of my old Weight Watchers tactics, but with no luck. My weight had stabilized. I guess that is kind of the point, huh? Thing is… my clothes… my beautiful new clothes… were starting to get tight. Isn’t it weird that when my weight was at this weight on the way down, I felt awesome, but now that it jumped up to it I feel frumpy and gross?

Regardless, I am hoping to lose about 12-15 pounds over the next 4 weeks. I will then start the stabilization process over in which I will gain a little back (about 3-5 pounds is average) and that is where I should stabilize. We have discovered that I am likely lactose intolerant (a possibility for the bump in weight) and my re-start of birth control pills to control my endo is another reason. The stress of starting a new job (not to mention being surrounded by fabulous food) is yet another. Vacation. I could go on. Regardless of the reasons excuses, I am going to take care of it.

Look. I know it isn’t always about the number on the scale. A colleague told me she didn’t understand why I was fretting over 10 pounds and that I looked fantastic. Another colleague guessed me age- he thought I was under 30. Holy hell. He made my whole day! You would think the stupid 10 pounds wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. Yes, my beautiful new clothes are getting tight; but, more importantly, there are bigger issues with food that I am struggling with. Being back on Jump Start exposes those issues and puts me in a place where I have to deal with them head on. I needed this.

This is my fresh start for autumn. I needed exercise motivation so I signed up for the Monster Dash 5K with a good friend of mine and am officially in training again. I am super stoked to have discovered a BEAUTIFUL park, just a quick 5 minute drive from my house: Cleary Lake Regional Park. It’s about 3.2 miles round trip around the trail so it is a perfect training location.

Be happy. Be healthy. Get out and enjoy the amazing fall weekend to come!

I’ve already lost track how many weeks I have been in transition on Medifast. 4? 5? I do know that I got to add in grains last week. I may have gone overboard in my excitement for cereal, bread and pasta. I’m not talking the bad-for-you stuff, but the whole grain good choice kind.

My issue? Lack of tracking.

I always knew that reaching goal was going to pose these kinds of problems. I would get complacent in my journaling and pretend like I know what I’m doing. Granted I was told that I could gain a few pounds when grains come back in the mix as my body tries to figure out what the hell I’m doing to it, but FIVE pounds? 5.5 to be exact. I about died when I saw 157 on the scale this week. Then I began to freak out. I did NOT do all this work over the last 6 months to gain it back!

My counselor calmed me down (at least enough to get a normal blood pressure reading). She said the weight gain isn’t that surprising and that my, ahem, monthly friend is probably providing some extra water bloat as well.

Okay, great. My counselor says it’s okay so why am I freaking out still? The scale at home gave me another 3 pounds higher today. 160. I am in WTF mode right now. I haven’t been eating THAT much. Or have I? 9 pounds in a week? Is that even humanly possible? Second guessing my habits, I immediately pulled out the old MyFitnessPal website and app. I started to do some good ol’ tracking. Rather then telling the site that I am in maintenance, I put it back in weight loss mode. Hard core maintenance mode, as in how many calories can I eat to lose 2 pounds a week mode. Compared to the Medifast 900 that I had been doing, I can eat 1200 and be able to lose. Or so they say. So, I’m tracking and watching every last bite that goes into my mouth because I apparently cannot be trusted.

Regardless of what is causing my rapidly rising weight gain, the important thing is that I am conscious (very conscious) of it and plan to do something about it rather than just give up and let it get out of control. I will not fail. I also plan to get daily activity. The nights that are my nights to put the kid to bed are no longer an excuse to do nothing. Even if I run a simple mile, 12 minutes of hard core cardio is better than nothing.

Other than my weight gain freak out, I had a fantastic weekend celebrating my niece’s 1st birthday. I adore my husband’s family so it was a fun day had by all.

Not sure why he was wearing his cap this way but he is hilarious and cute.

Before leaving for the birthday party, I took advantage of some rainy morning snuggling .

My poor guy was sad that he couldn’t swim with the other kids. Stupid swimmer’s ear.

Even his 96 year old Great Grandma couldn’t cheer him up.

Thankfully, I found a bat and some balls and we played some baseball.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a first birthday party without the cake smash!

Despite my failure on the scale, as you can see, it was still a pretty winner of a weekend!