Mixed Bag Of Rant

To combat the horrific amount of negative posts I have had about this pregnancy, I thought it might be time to do one that had some of the good stuff, in addition to some hints and tips for things to make preggo life better.

The Good Stuff:

Pregnancy Dreams
Another online preggo friend posted recently about the dreams she had been having. Since she is waiting to find out the gender until her baby’s birthday, her dreams have revolved around whether or not it is a boy or a girl. My dreams? Completely and utterly fucked up on so many levels. Here are my top 5 preggo dreams that I remember as if I had them yesterday:

• I had a dream that my 5 year old was smoking. As we were walking along, his little hand holding my hand and the other puffing on a cig. He threw the cigarette in the grass and went to stomp it out but it started a huge grass fire.
• I had a dream that my best friend had died and her ghost came back to talk to me. (Seriously. WTF?)
• I had a dream that my sweet newborn baby girl was crawling and walking all within the first week of bringing her home and because she was so small I kept losing her.
• I had a dream that I lost my 5 year old. We got separated at a school function (and he was weirdly going to a Kindergarten that was seemingly bigger than my high school) and I wasn’t able to find him. Que my terror. And waking up sweating. And checking to make sure he was tucked away safe and peaceful in his room.
• This one is my favorite- I had a dream that Enrique Eglasias chose me to come up on stage to sing to me. He kissed me and then I got to go hang backstage. It was awesome. I’m pretty sure this dream would have put my sister-in-law into a jealous rage. LOL
• Last night’s dream- Jackson, his best friend and I were trapped in a series of tornadoes. First, like the apparently super smart mom that I am, dragged them outside to lay on the grass. THEN we tried to drive away from it and at a stoplight, the tornado picked the car up and spun us around like we were on the Gravitron with me (unbuckled) turned around to hold the hands of these little boys and pray for their safety. Good god! Do I need to read up on weather safety? Did my dream brain EVER consider just GOING IN THE BASEMENT?? Now that I’m traumatized for another day… I digress. 

No Period
Not to get all TMI, but it is really fucking awesome not to get my period and be in agonizing pain every month.

Baby Kicks
I have said all along that I adore feeling her move. Her little kicks reminding me that she is there. Her big kicks making me flinch and bringing stares from my nearby co-workers. I love that when I am driving home at night with my radio cranked that I can feel her moving and grooving- I just know she is having a dance party.

Perks
Some ladies took pity on me when I saw the extensive line to the ladies room at the MN Viking’s game this past Sunday and let me cut in line. For as many who stare awkwardly at my belly, there are just as many who open doors, let me go first and give me extra food.

Some Tips and Hints:

Maternity Underwear
This seems to be a debate on many of my mama boards mostly being: what is the point? Can’t I just buy bigger underwear? Well, as I discovered, the amazing thing about maternity underwear is that is made to fit perfectly for big pregnant bellies and asses. It doesn’t slide halfway down my ass by the end of the day or ride up my butt (and if you are wearing thongs while you are pregnant? Well… I just flipped you off). My personal favorites are the Thyme Maternity undies- you can buy them in the maternity section at Babies R Us. They are amazing. They are lacy enough to be a little sexy, because hey, just because I’m hugely pregnant doesn’t mean I don’t want to be pretty and they are so, so soft. I love them. Best purchase ever.

Pregnancy Pillow
My sister asked me if my husband feels the baby kick when we snuggle at night. I chucked for a number of reasons. Firstly, he doesn’t come to bed with me at 9:30 (or even earlier these days with anemia kicking my ass). Secondly, he’s been replaced. By my Boppy full body pillow. I am able to wrap myself around this thing and it has produced some of the better sleep I’ve been able to get in weeks (which frankly isn’t saying much, but hey, I’ll take it).

Maternity Yoga Pants
I had some sweats from my “fat” days that I had been wearing throughout my pregnancy. I found that no matter how tight you try to tie those puppies below the belly, they still feel like they are perpetually falling down. In a recent excursion to Macy’s to escape from the office (and to buy a sweater because my office is liking living in the North Pole), I decided to try on some maternity yoga pants. Holy sweet Jesus! Amazing, most comfortable pants ever. I was tempted to change into them for the rest of the work day. Seriously, I will wear them so much over the next 3 months they will be falling apart by the time Mackenzie arrives!

Zulily.com
Shop here for all cute and adorable things baby and maternity related. No, I’m not getting compensated in the least for saying this, but we got wall decals for like 60% off and the cutest little outfits for less than $10 each. Halo swaddle sleep sacks? Dirt cheap. I haven’t forgotten my little boy either- I got a $150 winter coat for the kiddo for $45. Sign up to receive your Zulily sale notifications NOW mamas!

Prenatal Gummies
I encountered very serious issues with swallowing and taking regular prenatal vitamins. They made me gag not to mention increased my nausea. I decided to give the gummies a try. Not only were they hella tasty but they got the job done… that was until anemia took over. Word to the wise… the prenatal gummies do not contain iron which means if you become iron deficient and therefore anemic like me, you have to go back to the regular ones anyway *sigh*. These are great if you are able to get away with it though!

Weekly Preggo Update
26 Weeks now! Wow. I’m just 2 weeks from my 3rd trimester!!! YIPPEE!!! At this point we still have a lot of nesting to do- things like cleaning out a cupboard for bottles and bibs for example. The only piece of “equipment” we feel we are missing at this point is a new pack ‘n play. We picked up a new video monitor and I LOVE IT. I can’t believe how much better these things have gotten in 4+ years! I will say that I find the microphone “Talk to Baby” feature is somewhat scary. I can see my husband using it to scare the shit out of me during late night feedings. In other news, I ate a strawberry walnut salad today without gagging on it for the first time in like 5 months. That’s progress, right? As you can see, I’m trying to keep this post as positive as possible this week without any mention of my horrific heartburn that has begun to plague my soul.

26 Week Belly Pic

I’m obsessed with this skirt. FYI- maternity compression tights are hilarious to try and put on!

My kiddo took this pic of me and my pup (aka, stalker dog who won’t leave me alone. Ever.)

My gorgeous son. Just because.

Baby Mackenzie!

Despite my due date of December 31, it is pretty much common knowledge with my doctor and within my family that this baby will make an early appearance. I am feeling at 25 weeks that I can say that I am nearing the home stretch with just 12 (maybe 13 if I’m lucky) weeks to go.

As you all know, I am very anxious to get this baby out of my belly and into my life.

I feel like I have grown tremendously in the last few weeks, going from adorable baby bump to, holy shit that chick is super preggers. My discomforts have increased- nausea, digestive, insomnia, pelvic pain, fatigue… (I’m sure I can think of more). My emotions are a roller coaster and nobody is safe- I have just endured a 2 day sad-fest and I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this emotional hole I dug myself into. I am very ready to get back to just being me again. The old Joanne just feels lost somewhere. I want her back! She was awesome!

I had my 1 hour glucose challenge test a week ago. Blah! Yuck! Okay, the drink itself doesn’t taste that bad (I chose fruit punch), but the after affects?? Ugh. I nearly fell asleep in the waiting room and suffered from a hellacious headache and nausea for the remainder of the day. I’m SO glad I chose to take the day off! The good news is that I passed it with flying colors! They wanted to see a level of less than 130 and mine was at 89. Not even close!! Yes! One less thing to worry about with this pregnancy. There was some bad news though- my iron levels are low and I am borderline anemic. It does explain a lot of my fatigue, dizziness and issues with concentration lately and thankfully, being iron anemic, there is a way to fix it. It means more iron in my diet (not to mention more tummy trouble). I am hoping that this resolves itself by my next checkup in October, because I REALLY don’t want to have to take iron supplements. Yuck. The baby girl is doing fantastic though. She is VERY busy- kicking me all the time. Some of the kicks are so sudden and so strong that they make me flinch! The husband still has yet to feel her kicking. Little stubborn girl likes to stop moving when he comes along. Hilariously, her big brother did the same thing. I think I was close to 35 weeks before he finally was able to feel him moving around.

On another note, we decided after a bit of deliberation that it was time to tell everyone baby girl’s name. We want to be able to talk about her freely and openly, especially around Jack (who we knew would NEVER be able to keep the secret). So at Jackson’s birthday party last weekend, he marched our family up the stairs one by one to show them the baby’s finished nursery, complete with her name decal. To my surprise and happiness, everyone loved her name (not that they would dare to criticize it otherwise unless they want to feel the wrath of my pregnant rage).

Haha- the name decal- before we decided to divulge the secret. And yes. Please. Someone buy me the matching changing table for the crib!

Why do these decals always look so much taller on the websites?  It’s still perfect though and I love it.

Her name is:
Mackenzie Marie.

I wish I had some big story for why I chose that name. There’s no grand meaning to it. Not even a hint of ancestry (it is a Scottish name which we are not). It just came to me one day and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I thought for sure my husband would give it the big veto, but to my surprise, he really liked it too and it just kind of stuck. I love being able to give her an identity before she is here with us. I talk to her every day, sing to her in the car and rock with her in the nursery telling her about allllll the time we are going to be spending together in there. I love that we have everything ready for her to come home to and feel like she is already so much a part of my world.

Here are some new belly pics!

24 Weeks- Cute Preggers

25 Weeks- Suddenly huge preggers

AND a little about Baby Mackenzie (who is measuring a little bigger than this):

I’m also SUPER DUPER excited that my mom is throwing me a baby shower! I know, I know… 2nd kid… bad etiquette to have another shower but hey- it’s been 5 years since I’ve had a baby around AND it is a different gender. I hope some ladies are able to show up!

I had an interesting conversation with my husband last week about all of our upcoming life changes, and he mentioned that he’s scared to death about this new baby. Not so much about how to be a parent, finances or anything like that, but more along the lines of our age and how to keep ourselves healthy for our children.

While 36 and 37 years old doesn’t really seem all that old, in parent years? We are pretty much ancient. In the obstetrics world, I am considered AMA: Advanced Maternal Age which we all seem to chuckle at every time I go in for an appointment. At 37 I am about a thousand times healthier than I was 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Jackson. Despite my morphed sense of reality (a.k.a, I feel as big as a house right now) comparing pictures from my first pregnancy to now helps a great deal. Even though I don’t feel like it, I am much smaller this pregnancy. With Jackson I threw up almost daily for 25 weeks, this time (and perhaps it is thanks to my good friend Zofran) it has been nausea. My tummy seems more rounded, high and pointy this time around and she is definitely positioned differently than I remember with Jack. Her kicks are low resulting in the most delightful jabs to my cervix and bladder. I also have zero issues sleeping. I had some major insomnia with Jack. Not the case this time. As a matter of fact, I could sleep anytime. Anywhere. I don’t think I even moved last night.

It is no secret that I haven’t enjoyed being pregnant. Frankly, I’m a disaster. I feel so limited in what I can do. Exhaustion following my 9 hour work days are taking their toll on my home life. All day, I have to find a way to “live with” my limitations (i.e. nausea, sheer exhaustion, discomforts). When I get home, I need a break. I need to let go and not have anyone expect anything of me. I want help without having to ask. I want to be babied and pampered.

Is this too much to ask? LOL

Besides the physical differences in my pregnancies, I have a completely different mindset this time around. With Jackson, I wanted to keep him in my belly as long as possible. Yes, there were a number of logistical reasons for this, but I was also kind of scared. I had zero idea what to do with a baby. I read every book, attended prenatal classes but was completely clueless the day I took him home. With all the lessons I learned the first time around, I feel so at ease with bringing my little princess into the world. I feel like I know what I need. I know what I’m doing. I remember feeling super overwhelmed when I started my baby registry for Jackson. Which bottles? Breastfeeding? Do I need that Pack N Play? What about a bottle warmer? This time around, piece of cake. I easily picked out everything I know I will want and need.

Probably the most important of differences, and one we didn’t have any control of with Jackson, is that we are in our home. We will not be in the process of moving and living out of boxes. We will have her nursery ready and her crib built. We will have a real home filled with love and memories to bring her into.

I’m not living in fantasyland. I know that a newborn is not all rosy and beautiful. I am aware that I will have sleepless nights and unnecessary trips to the ER. It will be a major adjustment going from one kid to two. Our very scheduled existence will be a disaster. Bickering will be at an all time high. PPD will likely rear its ugly face.

However, this time is different. I’m ready. I know what to expect. I’m not afraid.

With that said, we have had a very busy Labor Day weekend filled with plenty of labor and nesting. Baby Girl’s room was painted and new curtains hung. We made a couple of large purchases including her bedding set (the adorable Daniella by CoCaLo Collection) and the Graco Fast Action Fold Jogger Click Connect stroller and carseat (which by the way, Target is having a HUGE baby sale including 25% off strollers right now that I think ends on the 7th). We cleaned the house from top to bottom.

I also cheered one of my dearest friends on at the finish line for her first ever 10K which she rocked with a time of 1:07. I WILL be joining her for next year’s Women Rock 10K!

I am 23 weeks along this week! Just 3 1/2 months to go until my little princess arrives. Jackson says she is the best Christmas gift ever. Love him. Hey also likes to say, “Hey pregnant girl. I bet I can beat you up the stairs!” Yup. Pretty sure you can, buddy.

Is it December yet? I’m so excited!

I have never kept it a secret- I am was an infertile. I struggled through 2.5 years to conceive my son. I was also told I would never be able to have another child after him. My infertile friends- I have been there. I know the sadness. I know the emptiness. I KNOW. Yes, I would get pissed when I would hear a pregnant woman complain about her pregnancy discomforts. I would get pissed when anyone had to leave early or take time off because of their kids. I was quite bitter for a long time. Then, something happened. My husband and I made the decision to just live, be satisfied and be grateful for our great life together. When we got pregnant with Jackson, sure, we were trying to conceive (ovulation kits, vitamins, calendars… yadda yadda yadda), but it was no longer the be all, end all. We were satisfied with our life no matter what.

Being that I have lived through the hurt and sadness of infertility and loss, I always swore that if I ever got pregnant I wouldn’t complain about it. If there is one thing I have learned out of my one and a half pregnancies, it is that I don’t do pregnancy well and damn right, I have complained. Probably even more so the second time around.

Being a pregnant whiner, I feel like a complete and utter failure to the infertile world.

Despite how I often dreamed of having the beautiful big belly and that I would feel like part of some exclusive club, it is not all butterflies and roses. I cannot for the life of me enjoy the following:

• The constant worry that something could go wrong.
• Obsessive TP checks in the 1st trimester.
• Relentless morning sickness with no end in sight and not enough PTO or sick time to cover it 
• Vomiting. Nuff said. 
• Constant overwhelming exhaustion that easily rivals finals week during college.
• Peeing every 20 minutes or when you least expect to like sneezing, coughing or shifting positions in your chair. Also the having to pee in the middle of the night thing. I really try to ignore it because I treasure my sleep, but it is painfully impossible. 
• Excruciating pain in which I can only describe as what it feels like to have been hit by a baseball bat in the vagina. Over and over again. 
• Weight gain. And a lot of it. Whether I like it or not.
• Not being able to poop. Is this to prepare us for childbirth? 
• The uncontrollable emotional roller coaster. No really. There’s no control. One moment I’m as happy as can be and the next I am sobbing uncontrollably. And I’m sorry to those affected on a daily basis. 
• Uncontrollable burping and farting. Seriously. How gross am I?? I’m so gross. And now I’m crying about it. 
• Heartburn. Jackson likes to make comments on my mommy candy (a.k.a. Tums) and that they smell good. (Really buddy? They don’t taste as good as they smell). 
• It’s going to be 98 degrees today. And no I’m not talking about Nick Lachey. With a heat index of 105, my feet are going to turn into club feet with a Tempurpedic-type quality and may never go back until weeks after giving birth. P.S. Flip flops are not acceptable with my work dress code. 

• A posterior placenta: What does this mean? The placenta is towards the back which means I get to feel movement ALL THE TIME. I know some women find the kicking to drive them nuts, but it is the one singular thing I adore about pregnancy. Girlfriend can kick me all day long and I will love every second of it. 
• My pregnant belly. It is my badge of honor in a world darkened by infertility. It is the only time I am proud to look huge. 
• I’m having a little girl. A GIRL! In a male dominated family, I feel ridiculously blessed to be having a daughter. It’s always been a dream of mine to have a boy and a girl. Yeah, yeah… the grass is not always greener on the other side and they could end up hating each other, but at least in my fantasy world, they are perfection no matter what. 
• Feeling complete. It’s one thing to say, “I’m only having one kid,” and have that be your choice. It’s another to have someone tell you, “You will only be able to have one kid.” I felt guilty for feeling like Jackson wasn’t enough, God knows he is enough kid for about 10, but it just FELT like something was missing. Having this chance means our family is complete and whole. 
• Jackson is super stoked to have a little sister and it warms my heart when he tells me he is excited to meet her. 

So even though I have complained endlessly about how miserable I feel, I have not forgotten the good things about it. I have also not forgotten what it felt like to be infertile. I have not forgotten the baby I lost back in 2006. 

It’s just… hard. I always want to be the best I can be for everyone- my husband, my son, my boss, my team. I physically cannot be my best right now. I struggle with losing the two years of running training I put in. I struggle with having to start over with my weight loss after this little girl shows up. I want to lie and say it is easy and the best time of my life. I want so badly to love pregnancy, but I just can’t.

The truth is, I just want her here. In my arms. Regardless of how miserable I am, all I want is for the next 127 (give or take a few) days to go quickly because I cannot wait to be her mama.

Here are some back-logged belly pics…

21 Weeks

22 weeks- side profile (Bad hair. Thanks weather)

22 weeks. Still rockin’ the heels.

Just for fun… and because it makes me feel better about how I look now compared to 5 years ago (because I have been having some very major body image issues), here are some pics from when I was pregnant with Jackson:

In Bora Bora- 20 weeks pregnant

Bora Bora- 20 weeks

My baby shower (and funny husband)- 33 weeks

PRINCESS!!!!

PROUD Big Brother Jack

The only time I will let anyone see her goodies. Ever.

My princess

The long awaited day in my pregnancy finally arrived. The day we found out if Jackson will have a brother or a sister. The day where we either run to the store to pick up a bucket of pink paint or break out the crib bedding we used for Jack. The day that we can finally start giving this baby an identity rather than calling it “it”. While I lovingly referred to baby as Nugget in the beginning, the nickname didn’t stick and I long to be able to refer to it by the name we have chosen. We have chosen a name which will be revealed when she makes her glorious appearance into the world this December. I will tell you our number 2 & 3 girl names that got cut in the final hour: Kate (Katie) Marie and Alexandra Marie.

Thankfully, the VERY first question from our ultrasound tech was, “Do you want to know the gender?” We replied with a resounding “YES!!!” Without a bit of hesitation, she typed G-I-R-L on the screen and said, “It’s a girl!” Both my husband and I got pretty misty (okay, he may be have been misty, I was outright crying). All along, everyone kept asking me if I would “prefer” a boy or a girl and my answer was always, “Healthy. Doesn’t matter either way.” Deep down, I wanted a girl; however, I didn’t want to be disappointed either. Certain that it would be a boy in my very male genetically dominated family, I got myself pumped up for hearing the words, “It’s a boy!” We even picked out his name, Noah Andrew. I was so certain in fact that I stopped fantasizing about a girl altogether and starting getting really excited about it being a boy. So when I heard that word, GIRL, I was legitimately shocked. Of course in the best way possible. It’s a total dream come true. For my parents too- this is their first granddaughter. They have 4 grandsons.

I am thankfully halfway through my pregnancy and so anxious and excited for this little girl to be here and in our lives. I’m so ready for her. I have heard the rumors that baby #2 is a difficult transition. While I have no doubt going back to being up all night and changing diapers will be horrifically exhausting, I just feel more prepared to deal with it this time around. There are no surprises. There is nothing planned in December other than to simply have this baby (yes, I plan to do all of my Christmas shopping online this year not to mention buy a LOT of gift bags as opposed to wrapping all of those fucking presents). I felt like when I was pregnant with Jack that I had absolutely no idea what was really going to happen. No preconceived notion about what having a baby would actually be like. I was honestly clueless. I don’t expect to be the baby whisperer now that I have had some experience, but at the very least, I have some expectations going into it and some knowledge about what I need to do this time around.

Now that I know I am having a girl, soooooo many things in my pregnancy have become apparent. For example, the relentless morning sickness that I am pretty sure won’t go away until she makes her debut. The other part? Holy shit, the emotional roller coaster. It HAS to be the whole female growing in my body thing but I have been an absolute disaster this pregnancy. This week has been probably the worse week ever. My husband went on his annual fishing trip with the boys for the week. Now, normally, I wouldn’t have cared but let’s face it. I’m pregnant. Sick. Exhausted. My 5 year old is hella high maintenance. Please don’t judge me when I pull out the babysitter otherwise known as “Wii U”. Top it off with work stress. My company had a HUGE website launch, one that I will be pretty much owning from a content marketing perspective going forward, and it has been a complete and utter disaster. It failed on a disastrous level and any moment that I have not been catering to my son or sitting in traffic has been spent working. Even sleep has become secondary. It’s only Tuesday and I am just completely DONE with this week. I need a hug. Or perhaps a spa day.

Next year that trip WILL become a father-son fishing trip.

Here is me last week at 19 weeks. Wearing pink in honor of my baby girl of course.

My (almost) 5 year old is one of the most hilarious people I have ever known. Some of the things that come out of his mouth… my gosh. I just have no idea where he gets this from! For example:

Getting up in the morning, we asked him to go potty and get dressed. He replied:
“Ugh! Why do you treat me like a child?”

Sometimes though, the things he says can be hurtful. He’s 5. I get that. He likely doesn’t mean it. Does he? This kid is so smart, I just have to wonder. Is he old enough to manipulate me?

Last week, we had a rough bedtime one night and he said to me in all seriousness (that a 5 year old can possess), “Mommy. I don’t like you. I like the rest of the family. I like my aunts and uncles. Grandmas, Grandpa and Papa. I like daddy. Not you.”

Ouch. I know it came from being mad at me about making him go to bed when he didn’t want to. He doesn’t like to hear the word “no”. I tried not to take it personally, but hey, I’m pregnant. Words hurt. Even from my 5 year old.

I know it won’t be the first time he says this. I will probably even hear worse things from him as he gets older. Sadly, he does often comment on my changing body. He’s made comments about my growing tummy, saying, “Mommy. Your tummy is getting so fat!” I’m not hurt, but it is a reminder of my need to keep things in check and as healthy as possible throughout the rest of my pregnancy. It is a reminder that I will have work to do after this new, precious baby comes to get back the “me” that I worked so hard for these last couple years.

This summer, I have become addicted to the show Extreme Weight Loss. Yeah, it makes me cry. Every week. While my weight has never been that extreme, I was in a place after having Jack that I never thought I would be in and even now that I am pregnant again, I don’t want to go back there. There was one woman in particular on the show that made a comment at the beginning of the show about being on “this awesome program where I can eat whatever I want”. She opened her pantry and it was entirely labeled in Weight Watchers points. She had been on the program for years. She was around 370 pounds. That is the danger of that program. I thought the same thing when I was on the program, but it is sooooo easy to cheat. There is no REAL accountability. Sure, you weigh in every week, but so what! After awhile, even that doesn’t feel like motivation.

YOU CAN’T EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT IF YOU ARE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! If all you are eating is chocolate and donuts, is that going to be good for you??? REALLY? Is that real life? Is that the right thing to be telling a food addict? GAH. No. NO NO. Yes, Weight Watchers works for those who are innately self-motivated. Yes, it works when you are tracking EVERY little bite. It works even better when you make healthy, natural food choices over processed crap.

I will likely rejoin Medifast after my pregnancy journey. It worked AND, I indeed kept the weight off.

I am starting to feel better about my image in my pregnancy. At 18 weeks, I am obviously pregnant and not huge pregnant, but cute pregnant. I even got a belly compliment at work the other day saying my pregnant belly was perfect and adorable. I loved hearing that and NEEDED to hear it. I feel good about where I am at. I have gained 10 pounds so far in this pregnancy. I am aware I have about 20 weeks left and will likely gain a pound a week (which is average) which should put my total gain somewhere around 30 pounds. Average. I can accept that. Luckily, I haven’t had that overwhelming hunger and food pretty much still tastes like crap. I wish every day for things to get better with my nausea. It actually feels like it is getting worse? What the hell?

Baby’s movements get stronger and more regular every day and I LOVE it. I can hardly concentrate when I feel baby and pretty much stop everything just to feel it and treasure it. I can’t wait for my husband and Jack to feel the baby kicking too.

We are still on pins and needles for my anatomy scan. August 8th, this Thursday, is the big day we find out whether we are having a boy or a girl! My in-laws somehow think we know and are keeping the information from them. We passed on having the Harmony genetic test done after getting excellent results from the NT, so NO, we DO NOT KNOW THE GENDER yet. Cross my heart. You will all know when I know! We do have names. Those will be kept a secret until the day this precious one arrives.

Here’s to pretty much being halfway done (because we know babies from my tummy like to make early appearances).

I need to stop wearing black on my belly photo days! LOL

And yes. I am a week behind. I’m 19 weeks today. Oh boy. I need a vacation.

This pregnancy has seriously made me feel bi-polar. I have really high highs and really low lows. It seems just about anything will make me cry- even the happy stuff. I feel… a little cray cray. Don’t get me wrong here- I am beyond elated about this baby. However, regardless of how fantastic and wonderful it all is, it is still a massive life shift. I went from very honestly being at peace with our little family. Planning vacations. Planning to run a half marathon. It took a lot out of me to put the breaks on everything we were planning. I feel kind of bad saying that, but it’s the truth.

I also feel out of the loop. I know my friends understand. I haven’t been well for my entire first trimester. I haven’t made that a secret. I just feel sad… sad that I have to turn things down. Sad that I don’t have the energy or the will to spend time with them. On the same token, many of them haven’t made the effort to come to me either. It sort of made me realize what a giver I have been all along and how little I ask for in return.

It just seems as though my emotions are magnified by 110%. The things I miss… I often miss them to the point of heartache. These things range from old friends to running to even having a beer on a hot summer night. They are all kind of silly things to miss, I know this.

I am amazed at how quickly I can fly off the handle. My husband finds this hilarious. Probably my best rage to date was sitting down for a family lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings to not ever be waited on. 15 minutes. No server. No nothing. Nobody even looked our way. Telling someone was not an option. We were all miserable being in this busy place. As we were leaving, the hostess cheerily said, “Thanks so much for coming, have a great day!” To which I replied in anger, “It would have been a great day had someone actually waited on us.” We proceeded to Applebees where we were happily greeted, seated and served within less than 5 minutes. Fail BWW. Fail. And we loved you so much.

I have had a number of discussions with my husband about trying to deflect PPD this time around. I have to chuckle, because he talks as though it is mind over matter. It is so much more than that and virtually uncontrollable. Just like my pregnancy emotions. The hormonal response to pregnancy, birth and everything thereafter is crazy and believe me, I wish I had more control over it.

All I can do is apologize in advance and just remind everyone that comes in my path: I mean no harm.

At 15 weeks I have still had some bouts with some debilitating nausea. However, I have noticed that it seems to be driven by either heartburn or acid reflux (or both?). The good news, is that by controlling the heartburn, I can control the nausea. Food still tastes gross or at least, not exactly right. This is all food. How I have managed to gain 9 pounds to this point is kind of a mystery as my consumption has been WAY down in the last couple weeks. I have worked really hard to change some of my 1st trimester habits (even though I still don’t feel good) and take healthier snacks with me to work such as fruit, cheese and granola bars as opposed to a bag of chips. With 25 weeks to go, I am technically only allowed to gain 15 more pounds, so I need to watch it. I am also working on making nightly walks a priority. They don’t need to be far or fast, they just need to happen. I’m starting to feel the strains RLP (round ligament pain) as my uterus starts to grow and make room for baby and I’m not going to lie, it hurts. I have a feeling sciatic pain is coming too as my butt and legs are hurting after camping out at my desk all day- it is getting more and more important to move around.

Most importantly, I am excited. I look pregnant (currently in a cute little belly way). I was told by my intern that I looked glowing and beautiful (brownie points???). I always wondered if I had the “glow” and often wondered what the hell that actually means, but I’ve been complimented a lot lately so maybe there is something to it? Even my sweet Jackson told me the other day when I got home, “You look pretty, Mommy.” Aww! I bought baby’s first “item”- a newborn cradle/rocker that will be in our bedroom for the first month (or more..). An issue that we had with Jackson as a newborn is that he hated, and I mean HATED lying on his back. We swaddled him like a little burrito, played cricket sounds, lullabyes… you name it and nothing worked until we let him sleep in his carseat one night. He slept through the night. For like 8 hours. Bliss. I am happy they actually make safer items to reflect that some babies just sleep better with a little elevation- this sleeper is perfect and got awesome reviews. I’m so excited. We are a little less than a month away from finding out if our baby will be wearing blue or pink! I can honestly, HONESTLY say… I will be thrilled no matter what. I love my little boy and having another to love on me? How could I ever be disappointed with that. Probably the biggest milestone yet is the beginning of the flutters!!! By far feeling the baby kick and squirm around is THE BEST part of pregnancy. Therefore we have re-nicknamed our nugget to squirmy.

We are also excited to move Jack to his “big boy room”. Even though it is a little smaller than his original nursery, it will be his. He will get to pick out new paint for the walls, we got him a cool new ceiling fan and he is getting a new twin bed. The room is right across from “his” bathroom (hopefully that means no more bugging us in the middle of the night to use our master bath) and it will be far enough down the hall that he won’t be disturbed by a crying baby (we hope).

So despite all of these crazy hormone swings, I am in a good place.

Here is my 15 week belly:

And here is how big little squirmy is:
My little naval orange!

I made it! We are officially in the 2nd trimester!

If there is one thing this pregnancy has done, it has done a number on my emotions and self-esteem. As much as I want to eat healthy and make amazing choices for my baby, I also have this driving desire just to get through the dang day. Sometimes that means potato chips. And popcorn. And despite my stomach’s revulsion to it, frozen yogurt. I’m going to gain weight. I don’t want to, but it is inevitable. I am constantly reminding myself that I weigh 40 pounds less than I did when I was pregnant with my Jackson. It is a constant battle in my brain every day that all of this is OKAY.

I signed up for the Healthy Living, Healthy Pregnancy program through my insurance and employer. On the upside, I get tons of free shit like the Mayo Healthy Pregnancy book and a $50 Visa Gift Card after I give birth. I have a dedicated nurse that will call me every 6-8 weeks and I can call her anytime as well. Sounds great, right? Well, I got a little pissed off at nursey in my initial consultation. Here’s the deal. I have an amazing OB. Yes, technically I am still considered overweight despite my massive weight loss efforts over the last 2.5 years; however, she knows in hindsight that I was 40 POUNDS HEAVIER when I was pregnant with Jackson. She told me where she would like me to keep my weight gain and that was that. There hasn’t been another discussion about it. So when I told nursey my current weight, I got nothing but lecture about my risk for gestational diabetes (which even when I was a fatty in my first pregnancy, I didn’t have) and high birth weight for my baby. I of course got defensive. The very last thing I need right now is this self-righteous, script reading nurse judging me. And don’t get me started on her breastfeeding lectures… I was at 12 WEEKS during this conversation. Really?? REALLY?? The jury is still out on whether I will try breastfeeding again, give the baby some via pump or just save myself from my PPD risk and bottle feed. Anyone who tries to question me or lecture me on this subject WILL feel my wrath. It is my choice. Period. End of story. I will not be bullied into breastfeeding if it isn’t right for me. Anyway…  I digress… Basically, I will entertain nursey every 6-8 weeks. I just want the free goods. Pretty sure because I am in a high risk pregnancy that I’m more than being taken care of. Geesh. Back off lady. I’ve done this before.

This nurse just made me so mad. My whole life I have made excuses and defended my weight.

“I’m big boned” (that’s a favorite)
“It’s just the way I’m built”
“I like sweets and just want to live and be happy”

I’m so grateful that Medifast never shoved BMI down my throat. Their goal weights are based on so much more than that and when I hit the normal range on my biometrics (which was still considered an overweight BMI) they said, STOP. You are at goal. This is your normal and you look amazing. I am athletic. Muscular. So the excuse, “It’s just the way I am built” isn’t a lie or an excuse. It is my truth. I have accepted it. But, it still sucks to have to defend this to someone who knows nothing about me or the journey I went though to lose so much weight.

Beyond my issues with my weight and gaining weight, I am feeling okay. I still have bad days where the nausea is beyond overwhelming and nothing I do seems to be able to fight it. I definitely do not take my good days for granted! True excitement is settling in as we start making our lists for the things we need. Even Jackson is getting into it. He even picked a name if it is a girl. Ummm… Not sure what to do about that one??

Here is 14 weeks and I’m feeling pretty cute!