Mixed Bag Of Rant

I feel like such a sham.

Here I am. Two gorgeous babies. Writing about infertility.

I mean… who am I to tell anyone to resolve to know more about infertility?

I am a success story. 

However, I am the success story that every infertile hates. I am the one who was told after losing a tube and an ovary to endometriosis and a remaining ovary with a large endometrial cyst on it that I would not be having any more babies. That I should count my blessings that I even got one child out of this deal given how messed up my innards were. I was crushed by this diagnosis. After agonizing over and coming to the decision that we wanted to do IVF and then being told we couldn’t? This was the end of the road? I was devastated. I began thanking God that my son was in this world. I had him. I was a mom. I was good. I posted this post for National Infertility Awareness Week a year ago: My Story: National Infertility Awareness Week- Join the Movement!

3 weeks later. I posted this:

A Miracle Announcement

I will never ever forget that day. A moment I thought I would never see again. A positive pregnancy test. The thrill. The fear. A barrage of mixed emotions that cannot be described with words. Even worse?

This was an oopsie.

You see, when you’re told you’re done having kids there is no birth control. There is no calendar checking. No ovulation tests. No checking of your CM (however… when you’ve gone through a combined 6+ years of infertility this one just becomes second nature whether it means anything or not). You just… love. Who would have ever thought there was a reason to have sex besides procreation? You infertiles will understand what I’m talking about here.

Us infertiles, we both despise and envy those who have unplanned pregnancies. We can’t even fathom what it would be like to take a test and go, “Oh shit! I’m pregnant!” Infertility consumes us. We test endlessly. We see doctors who see all of us. You learn not to have any shame over how many people have seen your goods.

I never, EVER expected to have an oopsie pregnancy in my lifetime after dealing with so many years of infertility. Having an oopsie after being told it was impossible? I immediately felt like a traitor to my infertile people.

I wish I could tell you the reasons why I got pregnant. I wish I could say it was some kind of pill I took or something I ate. I wish I could say it was from IUI or IVF. I honestly wish there was a reason. I know there is no magic potion. Let’s face it, getting pregnant is luck- even for those who don’t have a known infertility issue.

I feel as though I no longer have the right to write about infertility.

However, I do want to write about my experience because if I am able to give even ONE person who suffers from infertility some faith and some hope, then I have done some good. Even though I ended up being one of “those” people with the oopsie BFP, I have been there. I have been childless with a desire beyond words to be a mom. I have had secondary infertility. I have had crushing, awful test results.

So yeah, I get it. I really do.

There are ways to help. There are ways to GET help. There are so many out there who understand and so many more who NEED to understand this sad disease. For more information on how you can help and resolve to know more about infertility, visit www.resolve.org.

My loves. My cup runneth over:

Every year during NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), I retell my story. In many ways it is therapeutic, but it is also a chance for me to bring awareness to a world that largely doesn’t understand what it is like to live with infertility. It serves as a chance to let those who suffer from it know that they are most definitely not alone.

My Story:
I always wanted to have a family. Always. When I married my husband in 2005, we wanted to waste no time in starting our family. We got pregnant just 5 months after we started trying; however, it ended quickly in an early miscarriage at just 6.5 weeks. I was crushed. We were given no answers other than, “Miscarriage is common. So sorry.” We kept trying. And trying… and trying. After 2 years of testing and fertility drugs still nothing. My doctor had chalked it up to Unexplained Infertility as they could find nothing specific that could be the cause. IVF was just too expensive not to mention I hated the fertility drugs, so it just didn’t feel like an option. We left things up to fate. We chose to move on with our lives.

I would love to say that we stopped “trying”. Of course, I didn’t. In a weird way, following my cycles, taking ovulation tests on top of numerous supplements pretty much became a part of life after two years. I was on my 3rd month of FertilAid when to my shock, a second line started showing up on my cheapo tests. I was sort of in disbelief. I had seen phantom lines many times before so I didn’t say anything to my husband. I kept testing (see this post), and when that digital test said “pregnant” on it, I knew that it wasn’t a fluke. We were skeptical. Not wanting to get exited. Not wanting to be disappointed. How were we supposed to feel? My doctor was fantastic. After my long history of infertility, she allowed us to be considered high risk. We were able to get an early ultrasound as part of our pregnancy confirmation appointment and we tested my beta numbers every other day for a week. We continued to be nervous until about the 12th week and then became a little more confident that this might actually happen for us. We finally were able to say: we are going to be parents!

My Jackson Robert

On September 11, 2008 our miracle, the love my life, Jackson Robert was born. I would never know a love more amazing and more powerful than the love I have for my son. Nobody could be more wanted. I hope I can tell him someday how much we went through to bring him into the world.

I would love to say that we kept popping out babies, but that is not the case. Secondary infertility became a reality. I developed fibroids about a year after having Jackson. In 2010 I had surgery to have them removed. Still no luck. No magic. No miracles. Over the next year, my monthly “pain” worsened. But it wasn’t typical. It felt different. In April 2011, I had a burst of pain and I became very ill. My doctor discovered that I had an ovarian cyst rupture. We attempted to treat the cyst with hormones, but ultimately scheduled a surgery to have it removed via laproscopic procedure. I woke up in recovery, groggy and in pain, my doctor delivered the news that she had to remove my ovary and my tube. The cyst had wrapped around my ovary and was sticking to various organs. This was more crushing news to my chances of having a sibling for my son. We also discovered at this time that I had stage 4 endometriosis. The lesions had been removed, but there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t come back.

Last fall, my husband and I decided that we would consider IVF to try and have baby #2. I wasn’t thrilled about the drugs, the appointments or the procedure, but I really wanted to complete our family. I wanted this for Jackson. For us. I didn’t even make it past the baseline testing. I currently have multiple cysts on my remaining ovary. While they have remain unchanged since last November and we don’t have an immediate need to remove them, they have all but destroyed any chances of having another baby.

We discussed adoption and to my amazement, my husband is actually on board with this. Since our first round of infertility, we didn’t really think this was a route we would want to take, so I was surprised when he was open to it. However… I am overwhelmed by the whole process and it scares me. I don’t want to be let down. There is also my age consideration. I turn 37 next week. If the process takes longer than expected, do I really want a new baby at my age? Would it really enhance my son’s life to have a sibling 5-6 years younger than him? So many questions in my head and in my heart.

We have chosen to accept our little family as is. We love our son and everything we do is for him. He is enough. We are enough.

My beautiful little family

We are okay.

Join The Movement!
So, you have heard my story. Whether or not you have had to endure infertility yourself, you can help. Maybe you know someone who is going through it. You can help. You can be a part of the movement. You can help by just learning and understanding.

You can become educated. Did you know?

• Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age
• There are many ways to build a family
• The disease of infertility impacts the physical, emotional and financial health of those facing it
• Those trying to conceive should know when to seek advice from a specialist. 

Become a part of it and help those of us struggling with infertility gain the support we need from our elected officials to make our family building dreams a success.

This subject is a raw and emotional subject for me. It has affected my life, my marriage and my family. Now, if I have convinced even just one person to Join The Movement, then that gives me and all others that suffer through infertility just a little piece of hope.

To learn more about Infertility and NIAW: 
Basic Understanding of the Disease of Infertility 
About National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

Don’t Ignore The Heartache of Infertility.

When I heard that Resolve.org had a blog challenge on how to bring attention to infertility, I flip flopped on whether or not to participate. Let’s face it. I have made more than my fair share of comments on the subject. I have gone through the stages of grief and feel as though I have finally come to the acceptance phase of my  infertility.

Why would I want to dredge this up again? Because it matters. Because there is hope. Because it is real. Because I’m tired of infertility being ignored.

My Miracle Baby: Jackson Robert

As I read back the posts during my early days of TTC, I am reminded of why I started this blog in the first place. I started it to rant about my issues getting pregnant. Rant about the people who got pregnant so easily. Rant about why this has to happen to someone like me. Rant about why infertility has to happen to anyone. Rant about how expensive the treatment is for a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. My husband and I wanted to have a family right away and didn’t waste any time in getting started. While I didn’t think getting pregnant would be a piece of cake, I had NO idea how frustrating and heartbreaking it would be. We got pregnant quickly after just 5 months of trying, but it was a pregnancy that sadly ended in an early miscarriage. For the next 2.5 years we tried. Every month, the same empty pregnancy test. The same tears. The same frustrations. Not wanting to endure anymore infertility treatment, we started to come to terms that having a family may not be in the cards for us. In late January 2008, our prayers were answered: I was pregnant. Looking at how extensive my endometriosis is, we have no idea how or why we got pregnant. We don’t ask questions anymore. We just thank God every day for Jackson Robert, our healthy little miracle. 3.5 years later, I still stare at my son in wonder. Despite Jack’s adoration of little babies and my deep desire to have another, I was told in not so many words by my doctor: “You will not be able to get pregnant again.”

Even though I have accepted my fate, I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten about the loss, the anguish and the heartbreak. I have not forgotten how expensive infertility is and not just emotionally, but the pocketbook as well. 6 years ago, I was lucky to have even a small amount of infertility coverage on my insurance. It was enough to get through the basic testing. Enough for a few rounds of Clomid. Enough for a couple rounds of HCG shots. Today, my infertility coverage is ZERO. My husband and I actually joked that if we won the MegaMillions lottery that we would finally be able to afford to have another child. We could hire a surrogate and even genetically engineer the perfect daughter (yes, I still dream of what it would be like to have a little girl). Guess what, we didn’t win. Perhaps if we had caught the endo sooner… so many what ifs that are just too late.

Our Miracle Babies

I know I am not alone in my infertility battle and that makes me sad. It makes me sad that anyone else has to go though this agony. One of my dearest and oldest college friends has been beside me in the war against infertility. She suffers from PCOS and also requires expensive medical treatments in order to get pregnant. She has suffered multiple miscarriages. She miraculously was able to have one little boy, the same age as mine. It’s like it was meant to be. Like me, she has had to accept that she will only ever have one child. We will forever have to explain to the world why- a question I dread. We both agree that our miracle babies are more than enough for us and WE ARE BLESSED. 

Deep in my heart, I really can’t let go of the thought of having another miracle baby. It happened once, it can happen again. Right? My goal this year was to at a minimum stop taking birth control pills that I have been taking to control the spread of my endometriosis. I am hoping that my weight loss will have helped. PRAYING that my weight loss has helped. The pills have been nothing short of awful. Mood swings. Breakthrough bleeding (yeah… TMI. Sorry..). Last summer following an ovarian cyst rupture (caused by none other than endometriosis) I am now down an ovary as it had to be removed so I know my shot at getting pregnant is low. My ongoing endometriosis makes it even lower not to mention the ridiculously high risk of miscarriage (upwards of 60%). The odds are not in my favor, yet I still dream of it. I still get jealous when I hear of anyone being pregnant, but at the same time, I still want to hear all about it. Talk about mixed emotions.

For National Infertility Week I am not going to ignore my infertility. I won’t hide. I’m going to scream to the world that it exists and tell everyone not to ignore it. I want to thank organizations such as Resolve.org for giving infertile couples hope that miracles do exist and for giving all of us who are infertile a voice to say THIS IS REAL and that other family planning options do exist. Is there something you can do? The answer is a resounding YES. Learn more about it. Support your friends that are suffering from infertility. Don’t try and tell them you understand if you don’t, so please make sure you educate yourself on the disease. Sometimes saying a simple “I’m sorry you have to endure this,” is enough.

Lastly, if you’ve stuck with me this long, I want to take a moment to remember my angel baby who I lost 6 years ago. Dear baby bean: My heart will never forget and you are always in it little one. I know you are there to watch over my earth baby and keep him safe. I will see you in my dreams, angel. This song is for you:

Daughtry, “Gone Too Soon”

Today could have been the day
that you blow out your candles
make a wish as you close your eyes.
Today could have been the day
everybody was laughin’
instead I just sit here and cry.

Who would you be?
What would you look like
when you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could’ve been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew.
Gone too soon.

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, an author or sing like your mother.
One thing is evident,
would’ve given all I had
would’ve loved ya like no other.

Who would you be?
What would you look like?
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a beautiful life we never knew.
Gone too soon. You were gone too soon, yeah.