Mixed Bag Of Rant

So, this is 38.

In my sleep deprived state of living, I barely even realized that my birthday was upon me. I made no real plans (nor did I really want to). It’s possible even my husband forgot. My wants this year were simple: to have a family dinner together OUTSIDE of the house and for some flipping sleep.

As I sat rocking my daughter back to sleep last night, sobbing from pure exhaustion, it dawned on me the REAL reason why having a kid after 35 is frowned upon. I’m too fucking old for this! Once upon a time, even as recent as the last couple of years, I could pull the late nights. Now? They are off the table. Lucky for my daughter, she is ridiculously adorable and instead of crying for hours? She laughs, smiles and baby talks for hours on end in the middle of the night.

The last year was such a trip. I mean, seriously. I am continually amazed how quickly life can change.

I’ve talked a lot about how things are different this time with baby number 2. Probably one of the biggest differences is that I never looked back on how it was “before” baby. You know… the ability to get up and leave the house without a second thought. A trip to Target that used to be a chore is now an escape. Being able to stay up late and sleep in the next day. All of those things (and many others) go away when you have kids. Priorities change.

I have spent the better part of the last year apologizing for pretty much everything. My inability to go out places because I was sick and pregnant. My lack of desire to WANT to do anything because of being sick and pregnant. I’m not apologizing anymore. I am CHOOSING to be selfish. I am CHOOSING my family above all other things. Not because I have to. Because I WANT to. It’s all about them!

It may seem as though I would need to escape from my home, as if I need a break from it all. Making plans for a night on the town? It’s actually kind of stressful. I need to make sure my husband doesn’t have plans. I need to make sure there is nothing going on the next day because god knows at my age, I’ll need recovery time. I need to get over the guilt of leaving my children and leaving my husband alone with the children. For now, it’s all just… too much. It’s easier just to say no. So, again, I won’t apologize for asking people to come to me at this juncture in my life. I won’t apologize for putting myself and my family before anyone else.

I spent a lot of years bending over backwards for a lot of people in my life because I felt as though that is what I had to do to keep them close. What I have learned is that the this door should swing both ways. I have a new baby and it may be a little selfish, but I expect people to come to me right now.

At 38, I’m too old and too tired to deal with BS.

At 38, I know exactly who I am and have no regrets.

At 38, I have the best gifts of all in my children and I cannot wait to get to them at the end of the day.

At 38, I don’t need bars, booze and clubs. I don’t need to party and get drunk.

At 38, I long for the companionship of those who “get” what it’s like to be a full-time working mom.

At 38, I WILL get my pre-pregnancy body back.

At 38, I will run my first 10K and maybe even my first 10 mile and not be afraid to ask for help in doing it.

My first race of 2014, the Get In Gear, is under my belt. I was slow. I was injured. But I did it. I love my Sole Sisters who cheered me on the whole way!

At 38, I will be fearless. 

The past week (or so) has been a special week.

My first miracle, my Jackson, turned 5 on September 11! While I know so many who are saddened by this date, I feel insanely blessed that he was born on this date because it is now that happiest day ever for me. I’m sure he will learn as he grows up what a dark day this was in our American history; however, I want him to know that because of him being born on Patriot Day, it has become a celebration of life. He’s a miracle.

We held his first ever “friend” birthday a few days before his birthday. We discovered that his birthday is actually at an awkward point in the school year- he moved on from Pre-K to K and left some buddies behind, but we needed all the RSVP’s before he left that class, so what do you do? We did have to cap the number (which annoyed some of the other moms that their child was “forgotten”… seriously??) so we just proceeded with a WTH attitude and made it the best we could for Jackson. We had the party at Pump It Up and despite the choke-able cost, it was great. We didn’t have to do anything except pretty much show up with a cake (which was our choice to bring- they would have done one for us had we asked them to). Jackson does get a little overwhelmed at being the center of attention and seemed a bit frustrated at gift opening time with the kids clamoring around him. Otherwise, it was perfect. He had a great time with his friends and loved every moment of it. Here is some video footage from the day:

On Wednesday, his actual birthday, we went out for a dinner of his choice, just the 3 of us. He has become obsessed with Chili’s (which is great for this preggo mama because their menu is expansive). Unfortunately, he had swimming that night, so that was pretty much the extent of that birthday night.

Then to cap off all of the celebrating we had a family party for him. Nothing over the top, just grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. We ate (and for the first time EVER did not have any leftovers!), opened presents and had birthday cake. He LOVED all his presents and loved even more spending time with his family.

What can I say about my little boy. He’s not so little anymore. He is independent and so, so smart. He’s athletic and tough yet a video game nerd at the same time. He’s sweet and sensitive. My favorite? He’s a mama’s boy. He still gives me big hugs and kisses me on the cheek. He always wants to snuggle before bedtime and sit with me to watch a movie. He wants to tag along with me wherever I go. He gets sad if I am gone before he wakes up in the morning.

I know these things won’t last forever, although, I secretly hope they do.
Even when he’s too embarrassed to give his old mom a hug, I will still love him the same.

Oh my little boy how you have rocked my world. I may not have had any clue what to do with you the day you entered this world, but we have figured things out together over the years. I’m so proud of you. Proud that you are smart and funny. Proud that you are excited to be a big brother and share your world with a new little person. You are my heart and soul.

I love you to the moon and back my sweet boy.

That’s right. Today I turned 37 years old.

I convinced a colleague that I was turning 25. When I told her the truth, she was legitimately shocked.

I also did this over the weekend:

I ran the Get In Gear 5K in 34 minutes (and it was a perfect, PERFECT spring morning!)

21 year old me couldn’t and wouldn’t have done that.

Here’s to growing old with strength, grace and humor.

I’ve already lost track how many weeks I have been in transition on Medifast. 4? 5? I do know that I got to add in grains last week. I may have gone overboard in my excitement for cereal, bread and pasta. I’m not talking the bad-for-you stuff, but the whole grain good choice kind.

My issue? Lack of tracking.

I always knew that reaching goal was going to pose these kinds of problems. I would get complacent in my journaling and pretend like I know what I’m doing. Granted I was told that I could gain a few pounds when grains come back in the mix as my body tries to figure out what the hell I’m doing to it, but FIVE pounds? 5.5 to be exact. I about died when I saw 157 on the scale this week. Then I began to freak out. I did NOT do all this work over the last 6 months to gain it back!

My counselor calmed me down (at least enough to get a normal blood pressure reading). She said the weight gain isn’t that surprising and that my, ahem, monthly friend is probably providing some extra water bloat as well.

Okay, great. My counselor says it’s okay so why am I freaking out still? The scale at home gave me another 3 pounds higher today. 160. I am in WTF mode right now. I haven’t been eating THAT much. Or have I? 9 pounds in a week? Is that even humanly possible? Second guessing my habits, I immediately pulled out the old MyFitnessPal website and app. I started to do some good ol’ tracking. Rather then telling the site that I am in maintenance, I put it back in weight loss mode. Hard core maintenance mode, as in how many calories can I eat to lose 2 pounds a week mode. Compared to the Medifast 900 that I had been doing, I can eat 1200 and be able to lose. Or so they say. So, I’m tracking and watching every last bite that goes into my mouth because I apparently cannot be trusted.

Regardless of what is causing my rapidly rising weight gain, the important thing is that I am conscious (very conscious) of it and plan to do something about it rather than just give up and let it get out of control. I will not fail. I also plan to get daily activity. The nights that are my nights to put the kid to bed are no longer an excuse to do nothing. Even if I run a simple mile, 12 minutes of hard core cardio is better than nothing.

Other than my weight gain freak out, I had a fantastic weekend celebrating my niece’s 1st birthday. I adore my husband’s family so it was a fun day had by all.

Not sure why he was wearing his cap this way but he is hilarious and cute.

Before leaving for the birthday party, I took advantage of some rainy morning snuggling .

My poor guy was sad that he couldn’t swim with the other kids. Stupid swimmer’s ear.

Even his 96 year old Great Grandma couldn’t cheer him up.

Thankfully, I found a bat and some balls and we played some baseball.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a first birthday party without the cake smash!

Despite my failure on the scale, as you can see, it was still a pretty winner of a weekend!

Sometimes it is the little things.

Now that I am 36 (oh god… I said it out loud), I no longer have a big whopping party or crazy night out for my birthday. I care very little about getting presents. I enjoy simple, quality time with close friends and family. I confess, I secretly love the barrage of Facebook love not to mention the little birthday deals I get via e-mail from my favorite retailers. I do love that my co-worker got me fun pens, a couple packs of my favorite gum and bright pink nail polish. My husband is taking me out to a nice lunch today which will be a welcome break in a long day. Did I mention I get the house to myself for a whole hour tonight? Yup. Pretty much the best gift ever.

My husband will disagree, but the best part of the day was Jack waking up before before I left for work this morning. He is very much not a morning child so he was crabby, but somehow before I left he stopped crying, gave me a hug and we exchanged the following words:

Me: See you later Jack, I love you!
Jack: Bye, mommy. I love you more!
Me: I love you the MOST

If you have seen the movie Tangled, you are familiar. Pretty much the sweetest words ever.

I love being a mom.

Out of all the company/business/retailer e-mails I received today, the one from SparkPeople was the most profound and I loved it. I plan to do exactly this:

As if I wasn’t crabby enough today, I’m now going to talk about my 35th birthday? What am I thinking?!!

So yes, I turned 35 and some of my profiles are now going to need updating. I can no longer click in the “25-34” box on surveys. Supposedly my fertility officially goes in the shitter at 35. However, someone told me I get an insurance break? That sounds like a positive.

I had a fantastic weekend celebrating and even though I paid for it for a couple days (yes… I had a two day hangover), I had a great time with friends and family.

My friends and I hooked up halfway between the Twin Cities and St. Cloud (so my St. Cloud friend could join in the fun as well as do some serious shopping damage with me). I’ll just say that even just a 1/2 hour outside of the cities is a whole different bar scene…

It’s blurry… but yes, someone wore this T-shirt out in public. For those who can’t read it, it says “There’s nothing like hitting the G Spot to put a smile on your face.” Only in a small town bar…

My friend singing Britney:

My friend was asked to dance by this guy… He was copying her moves.

Doing the Cupid Shuffle… Am I THE ONLY ONE who had never heard of this before? Am I showing my age by not knowing? Will I have to do it at my sister-in-law’s wedding this weekend? I recorded it so I can learn some moves…

Me & My BFF. Pre Black Velvet.

Me & My Friend & a Few Cocktails