So, this is 38.
In my sleep deprived state of living, I barely even realized that my birthday was upon me. I made no real plans (nor did I really want to). It’s possible even my husband forgot. My wants this year were simple: to have a family dinner together OUTSIDE of the house and for some flipping sleep.
As I sat rocking my daughter back to sleep last night, sobbing from pure exhaustion, it dawned on me the REAL reason why having a kid after 35 is frowned upon. I’m too fucking old for this! Once upon a time, even as recent as the last couple of years, I could pull the late nights. Now? They are off the table. Lucky for my daughter, she is ridiculously adorable and instead of crying for hours? She laughs, smiles and baby talks for hours on end in the middle of the night.
The last year was such a trip. I mean, seriously. I am continually amazed how quickly life can change.
I’ve talked a lot about how things are different this time with baby number 2. Probably one of the biggest differences is that I never looked back on how it was “before” baby. You know… the ability to get up and leave the house without a second thought. A trip to Target that used to be a chore is now an escape. Being able to stay up late and sleep in the next day. All of those things (and many others) go away when you have kids. Priorities change.
I have spent the better part of the last year apologizing for pretty much everything. My inability to go out places because I was sick and pregnant. My lack of desire to WANT to do anything because of being sick and pregnant. I’m not apologizing anymore. I am CHOOSING to be selfish. I am CHOOSING my family above all other things. Not because I have to. Because I WANT to. It’s all about them!
It may seem as though I would need to escape from my home, as if I need a break from it all. Making plans for a night on the town? It’s actually kind of stressful. I need to make sure my husband doesn’t have plans. I need to make sure there is nothing going on the next day because god knows at my age, I’ll need recovery time. I need to get over the guilt of leaving my children and leaving my husband alone with the children. For now, it’s all just… too much. It’s easier just to say no. So, again, I won’t apologize for asking people to come to me at this juncture in my life. I won’t apologize for putting myself and my family before anyone else.
I spent a lot of years bending over backwards for a lot of people in my life because I felt as though that is what I had to do to keep them close. What I have learned is that the this door should swing both ways. I have a new baby and it may be a little selfish, but I expect people to come to me right now.
At 38, I’m too old and too tired to deal with BS.
At 38, I know exactly who I am and have no regrets.
At 38, I have the best gifts of all in my children and I cannot wait to get to them at the end of the day.
At 38, I don’t need bars, booze and clubs. I don’t need to party and get drunk.
At 38, I long for the companionship of those who “get” what it’s like to be a full-time working mom.
At 38, I WILL get my pre-pregnancy body back.
At 38, I will run my first 10K and maybe even my first 10 mile and not be afraid to ask for help in doing it.
My first race of 2014, the Get In Gear, is under my belt. I was slow. I was injured. But I did it. I love my Sole Sisters who cheered me on the whole way!
At 38, I will be fearless.
