Mixed Bag Of Rant

I have had a busy and not so great start to 2015.

I was feeling as if I was finally getting on top of everything on my must-do list:

• I signed up for the MN Running Series and was ready to start training. 
• Got my kids back to being healthy after a rocky December.
• Chopped my email down to under 3,000 in my Inbox (believe me… even that was a stretch). 
• Writing this blog. 

Then I got hit with the flu the beginning of January. Honestly folks, it is no joke. I didn’t physically leave my bed for 4 days. When you are a full-time working mom – it is detrimental to life as you know it. My husband quarantined me nearly the entire time which was lovely for about 2 hours and then all I wanted to do was to hug and kiss my babies. I was too sick to work – so saying I was “working from home” wasn’t an option. It hurt to move. I couldn’t breathe. I mean, honestly, after getting the flu, I can understand why people die from it. I am thankful for Tamiflu which got me back to the land of the living, but I was then plagued shortly after with my 2nd sinus infection of the season which subsequently NEVER went away. After a month of misery, I crawled back to the doctor and begged for something, ANYthing that would ease my aching sinuses. I now seem to be on the tail end of this illness season of horror. I might have even become one of those freaks that applies hand sanitizer to avoid getting hit with any of this nastiness again.

Of course, now that I am on the path back to wellness, my oldest decides that this should happen:

Yes, he broke his arm on the playground at school. The worst part isn’t even the pain of it for him- it is the fact that he broke his DOMINANT arm. I totally feel his pain with that struggle. If I didn’t have access to use my right hand as normal, I would flounder as well. To be 6 and struggling? My heart just breaks for him. We are doing our best to help him, but also need him to learn how to make the best of it. I told him his left hand/arm were going to have superhero powers once his cast comes off in 6 weeks.

Thankfully, my sassy 14 month old has been on a healthy streak. She even decided to start sleeping through the night again (thank god). Her other developmental concerns (particularly as it relates to standing and walking) are being tabled for a month while we bask in the glow of having a healthy, happy baby. Did I mention she is ridiculously adorable? Being the ultimate daddy’s girl, every once in awhile, she cuddles with me so I had to capture the moment. And to answer your question… yes, it drives me crazy that my baby wants nothing to do with her mama most of the time.

As for my wellness quest, I’ve succumbed to the Medifast life again. Only this time, I am back to weekly weigh ins at the center. I am not discounting anything I accomplished over the last year by any means. I lost 50 pounds without anybody asking or telling me to step on the scale, but I have been stuck at the same plateau for nearly 5 months now. I have half a closet of clothes that I can’t fit into since before I got preggers with Mackenzie and I want my wardrobe back. The program is definitely harder when you don’t have as much to lose. It’s also harder when life happens. Between weekly Monday team meeting scones, happy hours and travel for work not to mention a busy, active family it will be a challenge for me to lose 20 pounds in 10 weeks. However, as I learned the first time I successfully completed the program, 10 weeks is a small blip in time to have to make a few sacrifices. The first couple weeks of the program were a difficult transition for me – I only lost 4 pounds which is nothing to sneeze at, but I honestly thought I’d see better results from the start. I’m still on track, but it’s time to settle in. 16 pounds to go. No more excuses.

It’s also time to start training. My first race, the Hot Dash 5k is less than a month away and I haven’t ran in… a really long time. My running partner and I decided to do this first race in an effort to light a fire under our asses to start training again. It’s amazing how having to be away from it (illness… winter…) has absolutely killed my motivation. Pretty sure this first race will be a rude awakening to the work I have ahead of me to get back into race shape.

With all of this said, I have accepted the inevitable:

• My entire family will get sick or injured every winter and it’s time I learn how to cope.
• I never, ever want to do another weight lost program again once I am able to button my old pants. 
• Starting over with running training sucks. 

One of the things I said I would never do when I lost all the weight 2 years ago and made goal was that I would never want to go through that again.

Alas… here I am. Square one. Starting Over.

However, it isn’t because I fell off the wagon. I gained weight for the BEST reason ever. I had a baby. Not just any baby, but a miracle baby. One that was never supposed to exist. So, was it worth the extra 50 pounds? A million times yes. I could have been better about my pregnancy weight gain, but honestly, it was the least of my worries.

Now that my princess is here, it is time to get serious about my health again. I am extremely motivated and ready to take it on and get back to the “me” I was a year ago.

1. Diet
After doing some additional research on various programs, I decided to go back to Medifast. It’s a program that I know and understand, plus, I know from 2 years ago that it works. Surprisingly, it doesn’t feel as difficult this time around, and I’m not sure if they made changes, but the food tastes different and better too. So far, I have lost 9 pounds in 5 weeks. Not quite the rapid loss I saw the first time I did this, but the weight is coming off. Despite the slowness being a frustration, I’m sure it is better that it is slow anyway and I’m okay with that.

2. Monitoring
I decided that it was time to take a closer look at my activity level. While maternity leave may not be the best time to get a lot of activity, I am looking at it a bit like a baseline. I chose to buy the Fitbit Force as I like that it has a display directly on the device to see my progress. I also really like the Fitbit website and app- the dashboard gives me a great overview of my day and I like that I can personalize my goals. So if you have a Fitbit, look me up!!!

3. Exercise
Of course, no weight loss program is complete without an exercise plan. Without question, I will resume my running. I have also started using a program called DailyBurn and I LOVE IT. DailyBurn provides workouts via website streaming- it’s like having a Group Fitness class right in your house. There are a number of different programs from Yoga to an Insanity-like program called Inferno. Since I will be getting my cardio via running (currently on my treadmill) so I have been using DailyBurn for toning. In addition, I have chosen to do the Jillian Michael’s Ripped in 30 before heading back to the office in a month. So here it is, my starting photo (may also serve as my “before” picture):

I can honestly say that that worst part about all of this is just getting started. Taking the first step truly IS the hardest. Medifast isn’t easy by any means, but certainly doable. The exercise? The sheer and utter soreness that I am experiencing is a reminder that I do NOT want to start over again.

The part that I’m most sad about is the running. I worked and trained so hard for 2 years and I am literally starting from day 1. My endurance is terrible. I am slow. It hurts. I won’t let it stop me though! My first race of 2014 will be the Earth Day 5k followed a week later by the Get in Gear 5k. I am also planning to run the Esprit de She, Electric Run and the pinnacle of my racing this year will be the Women Rock 10K.

The one good thing about starting over is that you get a fresh slate to right the wrongs and habits from before. Sure, there are different challenges that present themselves, but I feel good and positive that the changes I make now will be for a lifetime.

This WILL be the last time I have to lose weight.

My (almost) 5 year old is one of the most hilarious people I have ever known. Some of the things that come out of his mouth… my gosh. I just have no idea where he gets this from! For example:

Getting up in the morning, we asked him to go potty and get dressed. He replied:
“Ugh! Why do you treat me like a child?”

Sometimes though, the things he says can be hurtful. He’s 5. I get that. He likely doesn’t mean it. Does he? This kid is so smart, I just have to wonder. Is he old enough to manipulate me?

Last week, we had a rough bedtime one night and he said to me in all seriousness (that a 5 year old can possess), “Mommy. I don’t like you. I like the rest of the family. I like my aunts and uncles. Grandmas, Grandpa and Papa. I like daddy. Not you.”

Ouch. I know it came from being mad at me about making him go to bed when he didn’t want to. He doesn’t like to hear the word “no”. I tried not to take it personally, but hey, I’m pregnant. Words hurt. Even from my 5 year old.

I know it won’t be the first time he says this. I will probably even hear worse things from him as he gets older. Sadly, he does often comment on my changing body. He’s made comments about my growing tummy, saying, “Mommy. Your tummy is getting so fat!” I’m not hurt, but it is a reminder of my need to keep things in check and as healthy as possible throughout the rest of my pregnancy. It is a reminder that I will have work to do after this new, precious baby comes to get back the “me” that I worked so hard for these last couple years.

This summer, I have become addicted to the show Extreme Weight Loss. Yeah, it makes me cry. Every week. While my weight has never been that extreme, I was in a place after having Jack that I never thought I would be in and even now that I am pregnant again, I don’t want to go back there. There was one woman in particular on the show that made a comment at the beginning of the show about being on “this awesome program where I can eat whatever I want”. She opened her pantry and it was entirely labeled in Weight Watchers points. She had been on the program for years. She was around 370 pounds. That is the danger of that program. I thought the same thing when I was on the program, but it is sooooo easy to cheat. There is no REAL accountability. Sure, you weigh in every week, but so what! After awhile, even that doesn’t feel like motivation.

YOU CAN’T EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT IF YOU ARE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! If all you are eating is chocolate and donuts, is that going to be good for you??? REALLY? Is that real life? Is that the right thing to be telling a food addict? GAH. No. NO NO. Yes, Weight Watchers works for those who are innately self-motivated. Yes, it works when you are tracking EVERY little bite. It works even better when you make healthy, natural food choices over processed crap.

I will likely rejoin Medifast after my pregnancy journey. It worked AND, I indeed kept the weight off.

I am starting to feel better about my image in my pregnancy. At 18 weeks, I am obviously pregnant and not huge pregnant, but cute pregnant. I even got a belly compliment at work the other day saying my pregnant belly was perfect and adorable. I loved hearing that and NEEDED to hear it. I feel good about where I am at. I have gained 10 pounds so far in this pregnancy. I am aware I have about 20 weeks left and will likely gain a pound a week (which is average) which should put my total gain somewhere around 30 pounds. Average. I can accept that. Luckily, I haven’t had that overwhelming hunger and food pretty much still tastes like crap. I wish every day for things to get better with my nausea. It actually feels like it is getting worse? What the hell?

Baby’s movements get stronger and more regular every day and I LOVE it. I can hardly concentrate when I feel baby and pretty much stop everything just to feel it and treasure it. I can’t wait for my husband and Jack to feel the baby kicking too.

We are still on pins and needles for my anatomy scan. August 8th, this Thursday, is the big day we find out whether we are having a boy or a girl! My in-laws somehow think we know and are keeping the information from them. We passed on having the Harmony genetic test done after getting excellent results from the NT, so NO, we DO NOT KNOW THE GENDER yet. Cross my heart. You will all know when I know! We do have names. Those will be kept a secret until the day this precious one arrives.

Here’s to pretty much being halfway done (because we know babies from my tummy like to make early appearances).

I need to stop wearing black on my belly photo days! LOL

And yes. I am a week behind. I’m 19 weeks today. Oh boy. I need a vacation.

Another Easter has come and gone, but this year just felt different. I’m celebrating almost a year of the new “me” at goal weight (or, ahem… close enough to goal). Celebrating a revived marriage.

And oh yes. I celebrated. I celebrated with plenty of food sins. Do I regret it? Maybe a little. I’ve made some progress with my brain in terms of my eating sins. At least I KNOW now after eating like I did all weekend that I will have to make up for it. Did knowing this change my actions? No. But I also know that I can’t continue to eat like crap all the time either. I know better.

Just like everything, the things I can’t have? Not being able to have them makes me want those things more than ever. Food is no different. Not being able to “have” it makes me want to eat it that much more. And when I give in? It’s a rush. I mean what the hell? You heard it here first and I confess… I am addicted to naughty food that I can’t have unless I want to gain back 40 pounds. You know what? I don’t want that weight back on my ass. I’m going to continue to fight.

For the record. I did fail the DietBet. I hope the winners are enjoying my money. LOL. Not that I want to get all TMI or anything on a Monday, but mother nature kinda screwed me on the timing of the weigh in on the DietBet. Sorry, but even the best eating isn’t going to win the battle against that bitch.

Nonetheless. A new day. A new week. I am refreshed. What am I going to do to redeem myself?

1. Track my food. Even though I am following the South Beach Diet (which has actually worked, albeit slowly), I still need to write down what I eat. It’s called. Wait for it. ACCOUNTABILITY.
2. Follow my training plan. I have 27 days until my next 5K- the Get In Gear 5K. I have felt really sluggish lately. I’m sure a lot of it weather related. A lot of it just my own personal demons. I’m going to start committing to once a week runs with the Life Time Fitness Run Club (Let’s face it. I have a kid. If I can make it once a week at 6p, that is a lot). My Lucky Ladies Running Crew is also planning to run together at a minimum of once a month as well. Overall, I have SOMEthing exercise related to do DAILY. If it isn’t running, it is cross training. If it isn’t cross training it is strength training. If it isn’t any of those, I will sit and stretch while watching Y & R on my DVR. I seriously need it to be 50-60 degrees on a daily basis. 
3. Time to do a mini detox/cleanse. I came across Jillian Michael’s [not so] Secret Cleanse Recipe via Pinterest and was intrigued. It sounded a little gross. What I love about it? You don’t have to stop eating. You drink this in addition to your HEALTHY diet (meaning you limit processed foods sugar and alcohol as well as lower your sodium intake). Now, they gimmick this as losing 5 pounds in 7 days. I did it once before after a weekend of heaving boozing and I did lose 3 pounds in 5 days. Yes, all water weight. It’s easy to gain it back. However, when you are feeling as gross as I am after all the weekend sugar and carbs, this really helps to reduce the bloat. 

So here you have it- the Jillian Michael’s Secret Cleanse Recipe: 

• 60 Oz distilled water
• 2 TBS sugar free cranberry juice (not from concentrate)
• 2 dandelion root tea bags
• 4 TBS lemon juice
• mix and drink each day. (sipping through out the day)

You will find other versions of the recipe out on the Interwebz, but this is the formula that worked the best for me (my recipe is doubled with exception to the 60oz of water- that stayed the same. I just added more of the other goods). I was able to find all of the ingredients at Target, but you may need to go to a store like Whole Foods to find the cranberry juice and dandelion root tea. I usually fill a 60oz pitcher with the recipe and then fill one of those big 32 oz Nalgene bottles to bring it to work. I then drink the remainder at night. Please note… this concoction will make you pee all freaking day so be prepared for a lot of potty breaks! 

I have a couple other little secrets that have helped me along the way in terms of kicking the cravings. 

1. I chew sugar-free gum. A lot of gum. Yes, it messes with my TMJ but it’s a sacrifice I make to not stuff food in my mouth. Plus, I have ridiculously fresh, fruity breath. 
2. I polish my nails at night. Not every night, but probably every few days. Sounds like a crazy, tedious chore, right? Well, doing my nails means my hands are busy, I don’t want to mess up my pretty nails by digging into something to eat and the taste of nail polish remover? Disgusting. 
3. The more distractions the better!!!! 
4. One last secret… a supplement from Life Time Fitness called Lean Source. It isn’t some magic pill that makes me lose weight. None of them are. However when combined with a healthy diet and exercise, I am a firm believer that it has enhanced my results. I can definitely tell the difference when I miss a dose. This little tidbit of info on Lean Source is what got me to try it because you know, I’m an old lady: “7-Keto™ supports proper hormonal levels, including balancing thyroid hormone levels, which may be more significant in women over age 30.” and this: “Clarinol™ CLA (conjugated linoleic acid) has been shown to support reductions in body fat while helping to maintain or increase lean body mass.” So yeah. It was worth a try. I like it so far. 

See? No naughty Easter eating is going to bring me down!! You gotta jump right back on that train and keep going. TAKE THAT CHOCOLATE BUNNY! I WIN!!! 

I hope you and your family had a very blessed Easter! 

P.S. Singing vid is coming… Stay tuned my loyal readers! 

I have complained a bit about my holiday weight gain. Yes, it is the end of March and I am still bitching about gaining weight 3 months ago. As someone who has lost a massive amount of weight in the last two years, I will pretty much do anything to keep the weight off. As the scale has slowly moved up over the last 4 months or so, I have been freaking out a little.

When I found out about the DietBet, I thought, what the heck? Make some cash? Maybe this will be a good incentive to try something different to stay motivated. Losing weight is hard for me. It never comes easy and I have a hard time avoiding the things that cause me to gain (i.e. heavy carbs such as bread and rice and of course there is alcohol).

What is DietBet you ask? DietBet is a game where you’ve got 4 weeks to lose 4% of your starting weight. To begin, everyone puts money into the pot. After four weeks, whoever’s hit their 4% goal is a winner and splits the pot.

The game I joined? The pot is over $8,000.

So… yeah, you are basically betting that other people will fail which is kind of sad. How I am I doing with the bet? Well, I hit my 4% last week which is miraculous really; however… based on my alcohol consumption over the weekend (which wasn’t that much and annoys the piss out of me that it caused so much water gain), I am up a couple pounds as of today. I kind of feel like you need to exceed that 4% prior to the game ending so you have a buffer. Honestly, I’m not sure if I will make it.

Regardless of whether or not I make it back down to the 4% goal, it has helped me to refocus and invigorate my desire to maintain a healthy weight and a healthy lifestyle. I have had a number of personal issues weighing heavily (no pun intended) on me the last few weeks and all I have wanted to do was sit around and do nothing. I feel like even my day job work has suffered given the enormity of the distraction taking over all parts of my brain.  The DietBet has been a nice distraction for me.

Usually running is an excellent outlet for me to work out my issues, but I’ve been so blue that I haven’t wanted to do that much either. It really is out of the norm for me to feel this broken! So to help in getting back on track, I’ve put together a running/training schedule to get me pumped and ready for my next 5K on April 27th. I do think that once it actually turns into spring here in Minnesota that my mood will improve drastically. I do NOT enjoy running in the cold and snow so I have been anxious for a warm up. I’m so excited for my ladies running crew- we are kicking things off next week with a happy hour. How fitting! I am also considering my local Life Time Run Club- they do social runs 3 days a week and I think it would be a great way for me to meet other runners as well as push and challenge myself further in my running pursuits.

Here is my inspiration for success:

Crossing the Finish Line: Get Lucky 7K

And of Course…

Love this kid. He makes me want to be the best I can be.

I swear I’m going to make it out of this ridiculously long winter funk!

I know… I know… I am very behind. I really wanted to share my results with all of you because it really is kind of cool and I am proud of what I was able to accomplish!

One month ago, I started the 30 Day Shred.

Today. I finished. (Okay… I finished several weeks ago… but I suck that much at blogging right now)

Here are some before and after photos:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Here are my thoughts on the Shred…

1) How do I feel about my results? Pretty good. I didn’t lose weight while doing the Shred, but I gained some mad lean muscle mass. I am most definitely stronger today than I was on day one.

2) Can I see the difference? You be the judge. While I’m not exactly rocking Jillian’s abs, I can see that I have toned up in my core, arms and booty and I am very happy with that.

3) Morning Workouts. They still suck. I’m still a total zombie in the morning. Sore all day. BUT… here it comes… I was surprisingly waking up before my alarm would even go off. I only missed getting up maybe 3 weekdays and of course did the Shred at night to make up for not getting up. But just 3 missed mornings? Not bad for a non-morning person!

4) The Shred has helped me KILL my run times. I went from a pace of 11:15 per mile to 10:09. An entire MINUTE. That is insane. Most of the Shred focuses a great deal on core work- I’m a firm believer this is what helped speed up my pace.

5) I’m so happy with the results that I plan to do yet another round of Jillian following my Get Lucky 7K Race tomorrow- I will be doing her Ripped in 30 program.

6) I posted pictures of myself in a sports bra. Holy shit!

I will continue look for activities and ideas to continue being inspired and motivated.

Tell me: what motivates you? 

I have read at least two blog posts in the last couple days from people who said something like the following:

“All I did were these simple techniques and the weight just came off.”

Well fucking lucky for you that you were able to apply “simple” techniques such as eating less and taking a walk around the block at night and magically lost weight.

Imagine for a second having issues with weight management YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. Being called “thunder thighs” in jr. high (true story). Having a guy dump you because you gained weight (yup. also a true story). Imagine for a moment someone who applied these oh so simple techniques with NO RESULTS. Frustrating, right? Welcome to my world. Welcome to the world of so many others that I know who have/are struggling too.

I truly believe there is not one all-encompassing weight loss tactic that works for all people. I am not a dietitian or a personal trainer, but in my many (MANY!) years of trying to lose weight, I believe that everyone is different. What works for you will not work for me and what worked for me is probably not going to work for someone else.

Every program out there needs to deal with the larger population as a whole (no pun intended). So how do you find the program that is going to work for you? You have to keep trying. You have to know when to walk away from something that isn’t working and try something different. A lot of people think Medifast is a fad diet. While that may be true in some ways, it was THE ONLY program that worked for me after a lot of years to lose a lot of weight. For me, it wasn’t a “finish the program and move on” thing for me. I will need to have ongoing tools and support for the rest of my life. While Weight Watchers did not work as a weight loss program for me, it has worked perfectly at helping me to maintain and for that reason alone, I will continue to pay for my monthly online access as long as it continues to keep me on track.

My point is… It’s just not SIMPLE. So, please PLEASE stop calling weight loss simple. If that were true, everyone would be skinny and there wouldn’t be such an obesity epidemic. I am happy that your weight loss was easy. I am jealous that all you had to do was eat less and go for a walk around the block.

All your easy journey does is make me feel sad and resentful. Why can’t this be easy for me? Why couldn’t I just lose the weight and have it stay off? Why does this forever have to feel like so much work? Why can’t it be SIMPLE for me, too?

For the most part, I have accepted that weight management will never be simple for me. I will always have to work hard against my genetics and against my anti-carb metabolism. Healthy living will have to be a part of my world forever if I want to remain a size 8. Will I screw up? Absolutely. Will I have to work double time make up for it? Yup. Welcome to my every single day.

So please, if you are one of those people who found your weight loss to be easy, can you just lie to me instead?

Thanks!

You all know that I lost a shit ton of weight over the last year. Yes, I feel great. Yes, I know I look different. I mean, I’ve seen the photographic proof. I’ve seen the numbers both with weight and the inches. Somehow it never seems to be enough. But do I ACTUALLY believe I am beautiful? Will I ever feel awesome about myself? Will the former fat girl in me ever leave me alone? I actually found some clarity recently, but I still think it begs the question:

What does it take to make you truly feel awesome about your self?

Does someone need to tell you?

Your spouse?
Your family?
Your child?
A stranger?

Does something need to happen? 

Fitting into and shopping for smaller sizes?
Being comfortable on an airplane?
Wearing a bikini with confidence (how the hell do you do that)?
Running 3 miles without stopping?

Did losing weight make me beautiful or is that what I thought it took to be beautiful? I lost all the weight… WHY DON’T I FEEL BEAUTIFUL??

I’m not certain what the answers are for you; however, it took a whole lot of the above for me to finally get there. Why did it take so much? Is it so hard just to believe that I am worthy of feeling this way?

Frankly, yes it is hard to believe. When you have struggled your whole life with weight, it is hard to even fathom that you could actually be in the body you always imagined having. I could look in the mirror or take a thousand pictures of the new me, but it still isn’t enough. Yes, my spouse has told me I look great (but he is SUPPOSED to think I’m beautiful no matter what, right?). Yes, my family has told me (same rule for them that applies to the spouse). I love when my 4 year old tells me I’m pretty, but would he tell me that anyway? It’s kind of dumb when you think about it, but when you get attention from strangers…  That is kind of the ultimate validation. A low whistle when you walk by. Being hit on at the bar. There is something awesome about finally reaching a pinnacle where a total stranger finds you attractive enough to make a comment, in which case I blush furiously, shake my head and flash my wedding ring reminding them that someone got there first. The person who always loved me no matter what size I was.

But alas… there is more. Other things needed to happen. Shopping for smaller sizes- when the sales lady asks if you need another size and you say, “Yes, can I try that in a 6 (holy shit)?” Or you come out of a dressing room and another person says, “That dress looks amazing on you. Definitely buy it.” When I got on an airplane in August and I felt comfortable in my seat and at Disney where I never felt too big for the rides (too short… well, that is another issue). I shopped for bikinis last summer and actually didn’t hate it (there is proof… but I am much to shy to share it here). Being able to run a 5K without blinking. Running a 5K in 33 minutes. Wha?? The old fat girl I used to be couldn’t do that. Signing up for a 7K. Considering a 10K. The old me wouldn’t have been able to fathom running either of these distances. The old me wouldn’t have been running at all!

Holy crap. That’s a lot of work to feel awesome about myself.

All of this is finally a reality for me. I finally feel beautiful and awesome, but not because I lost weight. No. It is because I finally started believing in myself. There is a confidence in my step. Even a little ego in my smile. Guess what? I’ve earned it. I worked hard for it. I will need to work hard to keep it. I’ve got this.

Will everyone else have to continue to work as hard to remind me?

Nope, because I’m already there.

No doubt, Medifast was an excellent weight loss catalyst for me. It helped me detox my body from sugar and carbs. I lost an insane amount of weight. It was an amazing experience that I would recommend to anyone. They do give you the tools you need for a lifetime of maintenance; however, there does come a time when they set you free.

While I am still struggling with a lingering 7 pounds, despite being back on 5 and 1, I’ve decided to just let it go. At 157, I am still at the lowest weight I have been at in years and frankly, it is quite an accomplishment. I find that the longer I stay on Medifast, the more psychotic I get about that number. It HAS to be more than that. My boss asked me the question, “Why do this to yourself? You look fantastic.” Sometimes rather than comb over and over about what I am eating and what I am doing to be stuck in this rut (and to be honest I am dumbfounded that at 1000 calories a day, I am not losing weight), I should really be looking in the mirror and asking myself, how do I FEEL. Like most women, that is a loaded question. Depending on the level of bloat on any given day you can range from feeling like a sexy goddess to Honey Boo Boo. So, during a little break today, I looked in the mirror. In my cute corporate outfit, consisting of my Banana Republic Shawl Collar Wrap top (and I’m including a link because it is the cutest most flattering and comfortable top ever), tie belt, black pencil skirt, black tights and Mary Janes- I feel pretty. I feel fit. I look healthy (don’t take into account my lingering sinus infection giving me my lovely red hued cheeks). You can’t tell I have extra skin or cellulite still clinging to my behind. My hair is done. My makeup is perfection. My clothes make me feel pretty and confident.

How I feel about myself is more than just a number on the scale. Why is that so hard for me to get through my skull??

Therefore, I have made the decision to end Medifast. I went through transition once and yes, I gained. In retrospect, I know what I did wrong. I understand why it happened. Now it is time to move on. I will never be “done” with weight management and it is an issue I will always struggle with. As part of my maintenance, I have decided to subscribe to Weight Watchers online. I always told you I’d go back to WW as a maintenance program!! What I have always liked about Weight Watchers is that it allowed me to be human. It allowed me to have indulgences without getting crazy. It helps to keep myself in check with portions and serves as a solid reminder how important it is to have a BALANCED diet. Let’s face it. There is nothing okay with 900 calories a day and the truth of the matter is, my body is probably putting on weight because it is starving and going into my fat reserves. Logging back into Weight Watchers, I am CLEARLY not eating enough. With 26 points, on my Medifast maintenance, I was only eating 15 of those points, plus tack on exercise? Yikes. Starving. No wonder I’ve been dealing with illness and exhaustion. I think a change will do me good and maybe I’ll even get rid of those stubborn, lingering pounds. I also believe that Weight Watchers is what you make of it. I found it was not effective for me for weight loss but extremely effective for maintenance

After spending the last two years of my life solely focused on nutrition, I am planning another change to my healthy living program. I want to shift my focus back to exercise and training which is why in November I will start myCoach at Life Time Fitness:

myCoach connects you to your own personal fitness coach, who will create your plan, check in with you and provide the support you need to succeed! You’ll get together (in-person) once a month to assess your progress, review and refresh your program. Then it’s up to you to do the work!

While myCoach won’t tell me to eat right, it will help me design a workout program that works for me and is fun for me. It will help me focus. Best of all, I only have to meet with my coach once a month. Other check-ins are electronic. Perfect! It has been very hard for me to maintain a weekly weight check at Medifast. The closest office isn’t that close and their hours pretty much suck. These weigh ins kill Saturday mornings for me. Time that I could be spending with my son. TIME is something I don’t have much of. The gym on the other hand is open 24 hours a day. No real excuses. I can go after the kiddo goes to bed. I can manage meeting with a trainer once a month. This is something I’ll actually be able to do and stick with.

One thing I have learned: maintenance is actually just as hard as losing weight.

Since I hit my goal back in June, I have gained about 10 pounds. Fuuuuuuu…

Here’s the thing… I don’t know why! I followed the stabilization plan. Even when I did stray (ahem… Disney World), my food was accounted for. I have stayed around 1300 – 1600 calories per day and continued to exercise moderately. By all measures of science and biology or whatever, I should actually be losing weight.

I have been beyond frustrated.

A few weeks again, I met with a wonderful counselor at Medifast who felt my pain. I saw her the day after I came back from my vacation and she chuckled a bit that I was so flabbergasted by my weight gain. Bloated and vacationized, she told me to give it another week before I hop back on Jump Start. One week later, no change. I saw a different counselor who seemed to be unsympathetic and actually made me feel pretty shitty about my situation. She basically said no way to going back on Jump Start (WTF people…. don’t you want my money??) because it would mean starting over with stabilization. Why this bothered her, I don’t know. If it should be bothering anyone, it should be ME, right? Who the hell wants to start over?? I was so frustrated and put off by this session that I got into my car and had myself a good cry. I paid these people to help me come up with solutions! All I got is negative back talk. No support. No options to try.

Fast forward one week later. Sitting in the Medifast lobby, I was PRAYING I wouldn’t get this same girl again. I was not in the mood to have to defend myself (despite working my ass off all week… I somehow still felt like I would have to justify everything in my journal). Thankfully, I got a different gal (and for the life of me, I don’t know any of their names except for the one I don’t get along with). She sat and LISTENED. I told her how frustrated I was and how I didn’t understand the weight gain. I all but begged her to let me go back on Jump Start to lose these stupid 10 pounds that wiggled back in. Thankfully, she agreed.

Why was this a big deal to me? Losing 10 pounds in my world is all but impossible. Eating regular food, I tried to implement some of my old Weight Watchers tactics, but with no luck. My weight had stabilized. I guess that is kind of the point, huh? Thing is… my clothes… my beautiful new clothes… were starting to get tight. Isn’t it weird that when my weight was at this weight on the way down, I felt awesome, but now that it jumped up to it I feel frumpy and gross?

Regardless, I am hoping to lose about 12-15 pounds over the next 4 weeks. I will then start the stabilization process over in which I will gain a little back (about 3-5 pounds is average) and that is where I should stabilize. We have discovered that I am likely lactose intolerant (a possibility for the bump in weight) and my re-start of birth control pills to control my endo is another reason. The stress of starting a new job (not to mention being surrounded by fabulous food) is yet another. Vacation. I could go on. Regardless of the reasons excuses, I am going to take care of it.

Look. I know it isn’t always about the number on the scale. A colleague told me she didn’t understand why I was fretting over 10 pounds and that I looked fantastic. Another colleague guessed me age- he thought I was under 30. Holy hell. He made my whole day! You would think the stupid 10 pounds wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. Yes, my beautiful new clothes are getting tight; but, more importantly, there are bigger issues with food that I am struggling with. Being back on Jump Start exposes those issues and puts me in a place where I have to deal with them head on. I needed this.

This is my fresh start for autumn. I needed exercise motivation so I signed up for the Monster Dash 5K with a good friend of mine and am officially in training again. I am super stoked to have discovered a BEAUTIFUL park, just a quick 5 minute drive from my house: Cleary Lake Regional Park. It’s about 3.2 miles round trip around the trail so it is a perfect training location.

Be happy. Be healthy. Get out and enjoy the amazing fall weekend to come!