Mixed Bag Of Rant

I am guilty in getting caught up in the little things. I’m sure you know what I mean here- sweating the small stuff. Getting worked up over things that truly do not matter. Wasting time on things that suck the good energy out of my life.

My husband and I have been told that we are selfish and don’t care enough about other people outside of our sphere. I’ve been passive-aggressively memed on Facebook for it.

However, I know my truth.

I know that we are dealing with the hardest thing a parent should ever have to deal with – the waiting game. Mackenzie’s neurologist called us in for a follow-up with her – 3 months earlier than we had scheduled. She had reviewed her physical therapy notes and felt that she should be walking right now and wanted to see for herself what kind of progress she had made. The end result is more tests. MRI, audiology and genetic tests have been ordered. She wants to make sure there are no tumors on her spine, brain or in her abdomen. I don’t think there is a single word that could elicit more fear in the heart of a parent: tumor.

Mackenzie continues to knock all of these tests out of the park – they have yet to find the definitive reason for her delays. She is smart – she listens to our commands and despite the fact she is not talking, she uses sign language to communicate – food/hungry, more, thank you, please… it is kind of crazy how the signing has exploded. Although slow to physically progress, she is indeed progressing. She crawls on all fours over the army crawl/rolling she had done previously, she pulls to stand on anything and everything and has started to regularly cruise along every piece of furniture in our house. She is kicking ass. I just know she will come out amazing on the other end of this.

I refuse to accept anyone in my life at this point that cannot even possibly comprehend the stress and worry that we are under. I will not apologize for putting my kids and their happiness first. That sometimes means making unpopular decisions. Our choices are selfish on purpose. Our choice is to surround ourselves with only the positive – if anyone is to stand in judgement of us and our choices then you don’t deserve to be around us at all. I don’t have room in my heart for ugly, mean behavior.

With that said, in the spirit of positivity, we refuse at this point to accept that… that… WORD (*whispers* tumor) in our vocabulary at this point. I can’t even think about it or comprehend it. I don’t want to. If the time comes and it is a reality, I will deal with it then.

But not now. Not today.

Today, my heart has no place for bitterness – only forgiveness. Today, every moment spent with my beautiful kids will be treasured. Today, I will surround myself with laughter and beauty.

Today, I know that miracles do and will continue to exist – I get the great honor of witnessing it every day in my children.

 Nothing. Else. Matters.

2014 has been crazy.

Crazy good.
Crazy busy.
Just… Crazy.

Since my last post, on my birthday back in May, life became utter chaos. I had only been back at work for a month and a half following my maternity leave and there was no rest for the weary. Between travel, a new baby, a demanding 6 year old and my running training, there was very little time left for my little blog. In the list of things that had to be cut to make more time in a demanding life, my blog had to be one of them. Oh, how I have missed it! Writing, sharing, chatting about my healthy life victories and epic mom fails is something that I enjoyed.

Let me catch you up on what you may have missed…

Kids: 
My son, Jack, turned SIX in September. SIX!! He started first grade (which is a whole other controversy to be discussed at a later date). It started out a little shaky – new school, new teacher, new friends to make and all. Thankfully he has things figured out and is doing beautifully – no question we made the right choice in sending him forward instead of holding him behind. He continues to be ridiculously smart which forces us to stay on our toes and sassy to the point where I wonder if he suddenly went from 5 to 12 years old. He ADORES his little sister and is a great big brother to her. We also discovered through his having a sibling that his heart truly belongs to his mama – this boy is a mama’s boy and this mama is not complaining!

Then there is my sweet Mackenzie. Can you even believe she turned 1 a few weeks ago? I still continue to stare at her in awe that she is even here in this world. She is seriously the easiest baby ever (or perhaps it is from our years of practice with Jack that she SEEMS so easy). From the moment we brought her in to her first day of daycare, she has been known as the “Smiling Baby.” This year has not been without drama with her – she has issues with one of her eyes and will be wearing glasses for a lifetime because of it. We discovered a mass in her belly over the summer – thankfully, it turned out to be nothing but a lipoma but a trip to Children’s Hospital for testing is not something I really want to do again anytime soon. She has also been slow to hit developmental milestones. While in part, we think this may be the way she is – she does things in her time. Her way. (Not sure what this means for the teenage years…). She doesn’t crawl, but she gets from point A to point B one way or another. Her pediatrician isn’t concerned just yet. We are patiently waiting for her to take her first steps and praying we do not have to see yet another specialist. She’s a champion eater. Girlfriend loves her food. All of it. Whatever we put in front of her so far she devours. Hmmmm…. like mother like daughter?

These kids are my everything. Despite my busy schedule, I rearrange everything to ensure they come first.

Health
For the most part, my 2014 health journey has been good. As you know if you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, I am incredibly hard on myself. I have managed to lose 50 of the 70 (holy crap) pounds gained during my pregnancy.

This year was also a pinnacle year for running. For those that have had a baby, you know that bouncing back is not easy. I had a high-risk pregnancy which meant no heavy duty exercise for 9 long months in addition to postpartum complications. Getting back in the game was not easy and not fun. It hurt. I struggled. I CONQUERED.
April – Get in Gear 5k: This was my first post-baby race. I had a sprained ankle. I was slow. But I did it.

July 17- Esprit de She 5k: I completed this 3 minutes faster than the Get in Gear, but it was not without struggle. It was HOT. The course was challenging. But I did it.

August 2 – Race for the Kids 5k: 2 minutes faster than the Esprit de She – I felt great about this race. The race was sponsored by my company so I was surrounded by many colleagues and cheerleaders. My husband also participated in the Inline Half Marathon so it was amazing to have him at the finish line.

My partner in life. I loved having him racing with me!

August 30 – Women Rock 10k: This was my next big challenge. I committed to it and halfway through my training wanted to kick myself in the ass for making this choice. How on earth was I going to run 6 miles when I could barely survive 3? I pushed through it  – running in the rain, the heat… I trained hard and gave myself a goal of completing it in under 1:20:00. I finished at 1:15:00.

October 25 – Monster Dash 10 Mile: Inspired and motivated by my superhero finish at the 10k, I convinced myself to take on the extra 4 miles and do the Monster Dash 10 mile. With the help of my running buddy and weeks of training, I actually did it. My goal was to finish in  2 hours or under, which was a bit aggressive for where I was at training-wise, and I finished at EXACTLY 2 hours. I PR’d both my 5k and 10k times and admittedly fell apart in mile 9. I discovered exactly which body parts need additional help in my future training and learned what runner’s toe is (not sure what runner’s toe is? Google it.).

My running buddy, Kathy. I could not have completed 10 miles without her.

My sweet boy was at the finish line to cheer me through to the last, painful step!

I ran a 10 miler less than a year after having my baby. Surreal. I may not have lost all the baby weight, but I blew away my running goals for the year. Surprised that I didn’t lose all the weight running those distances? I hit a plateau and because I was so focused on my run training, I wasn’t able to cross-train to bust through it. Kind of an excuse, but, not really. I was focused on healthy eating and held my weight very steady.

Then the holidays arrived… and I jumped ship…

Work
Probably the biggest opportunity of my professional life was presented to me this year. I was given the opportunity to head up the launch of my company’s field social media program. It was no easy feat – with hours of demanding work and many challenges I had to be 110% dedicated to the project. I am insanely proud of what I was able to accomplish in 2014 – fitting a full 12 months of work into a modified year because of maternity leave was not easy.

I am so thankful for an amazing team and for the opportunity to travel and meet so many awesome new people along the way.

In Summary…
2014 was GREAT. Despite having to work more and harder professionally than I ever have in my adult life and the struggle for work/life balance, I have zero complaints.

My family is complete. I have a job that I love. I ran faster and further than I thought I ever could.

I am so, so blessed.

No I’m not asking how I got pregnant. Pretty sure I got the memo on that.

I’m asking how my sweet baby boy got so big, so quickly! He graduated from Pre-Kindergarten a week and a half ago and oh, the pregnant lady hormones were a flowin’ (a.k.a. I cried a lot). I can hardly believe he will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. It is… surreal.

Walking down the aisle. Cue mommy tears.

Accepting his diploma. More tears.

He posed after getting his diploma. For a long time. Cue laughter. From everyone.

His best friend. They have been in the same class since they were infants.

I’m so proud of him. He has grown up so much, learned so much and is the greatest blessing in my life. I am often overwhelmed by how much I love him. I love being a mommy. I love being his mommy.

TODAY’S TOPIC: 
What is your favorite way to recharge when you feel drained of energy?

Being a mom, I am pretty much always drained of energy both emotionally and physically. It has been important for me over the last four years to find many outlets as ways to recharge my batteries and keep myself energized. I need to do this not just for me, but for my son so I can be a better mom, for my job so I can be a stronger employee and for my husband so I can be a good wife.

Coffee. Yum!

1. COFFEE
Okay. Perhaps this isn’t the best outlet, but I freaking love my coffee in the morning in a can’t live without it sort of way. So, today, when I spilled it all over just as I was walking out the door? Not cool. I love my morning cup of Joe. It’s delicious and it warms me up. I’m not one of those people who slugs it down all day long. Just one simple mug in the morning and I am recharged.

Post Run- Runner’s High

2. RUNNING
Maybe some people get tired from their workouts, but for me, it is my greatest source of recharge. After a month of walking pneumonia, I was finally able to start training for the 7K I am running in March. Can you say runner’s high? I was amped up all night last night! The runner’s high is one of the reasons I have become so addicted to running. When I was overweight, I use to roll my eyes at the people who would say, “I get energized when I workout!” Liars! Then my body got used it it, and then my body started liking it and THEN? My body now needs it. When I was sick, I was really surprised at how much I was missing being able to run and workout. It’s real, people! Teach your body to want to exercise and you will gain so much from it!

Secret healthy snack stash

3. CHOOSING HEALTHY SNACKS
Truthfully, I really suck at this one. It is one of the things I have long struggled with; however the influence of Medifast has actually helped me a great deal in this department. It is true, that if you pack healthy snacks to bring with you to the office, you will eat them over choosing any other junk that may be laying around. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. I do feel much more energized after eating fruits and veggies over a piece of chocolate (even if the chocolate is oh so good!).

My Bestie.

4. FRIENDS
I freaking love my friends. They make me laugh. They lift me up. Whenever I am in need of a little boost, I will send them an email or a text to say hi. Their response never ceases to energize me and add a little excitement to my day. Thank you friends for always being my constant source of entertainment!

Me & My Cute Movie Date

5. BEING MOMMY
Okay. I know that sounds hypocritical. I just said that being a Mom wears my shit out. While as a whole, being a mom is tiring, but spending time with my kid is the best. It is hard not to feel energized around him! He is hilarious, fun and the most energetic 4 year old boy I have ever seen in my life. I have the best time with him.

How do you recharge when you are feeling low on energy? 

In an effort to revitalize my blog as well as force me to be more creative with my writing, I have decided to participate in the January 2013 NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). The theme for the month is “Energy” which I love since I didn’t have much of it to finish off 2012. I cannot even explain how pumped and motivated I am for 2013! I am nothing but energy right now so this theme is perfect for me.

Without further ado, today’s writing prompt:

WHICH DAILY TASKS TAKE UP THE MOST OF YOUR ENERGY

1. Waking up
I never used to have a problem getting up in the morning until I had a kid. Regardless of whether or not the 4 year old sleeps all night, I still wake up at least a couple times for a glance at the monitor to make sure he’s okay. It takes all of my energy to drag my ass out of bed in the morning. The only cure? Coffee. And lots of it.

2. Commuting 
There is nothing that beats me down more than driving to work. If I have had 4 hours or 8 hours of sleep, driving to work absolutely zaps me of my energy. Loud music does not help. Neither does my road rage. Taking the bus has helped; however, the bus clientele does not (this is an entire post on its own).

3. Boring Mindless Projects
There is nothing that sucks up more of my mental energy than boring, lame mindless projects. Are they a necessary part of just about anyone’s job? Yup. For example, cleaning out your email. UGH! Why can’t I just organize it right away than let it pile up?? I recommend a thumping Pandora station to get through it.

My sweet sleeping boy

4. Putting The Kid To Bed
This one should really top the list. Is there anything that sucks more of your energy than the endless nagging to get your kid to go to bed? The following are repeated numerous times:

• Time to go get jammies on. 
• Let’s go brush your teeth. 
• Go potty one more time. 
• Diego or Dora? 
• Sit down and watch your one episode of Diego/Dora please. 
• No, you can’t watch two Diego/Dora’s
• What are reading books on tonight: Nook, iPad or regular books? 
• Just one more book. 
• No you cannot have any water. 
• No you do not need a bandaid for your nonexistent finger wound. 
• I promise. I sprayed the monsters under your bed and they are gone. 
• Yes, I will turn on your light saber night light.
• Close your eyes and go to sleep, Jack.
• Yes, I will stay with you. 

And once ALL of those things are done, I stay with him until he falls asleep and I fall asleep. I usually wake up confused and uncertain of how long I was passed out or if he passed out before or after me. All thoughts of ambition post child bedtime are usually gone because I have now entered in the world of complete exhaustion and watching Soaps suddenly seems like a much more valuable way to zone out than running 3 miles on my treadmill. I then read the book, “Go The Fuck To Sleep” and feel better knowing that I am not alone.

5. Other People’s Drama
I love my family and friends with my entire heart and soul. I will always, ALWAYS listen to their problems and be there for them. Always. (ALWAYS). Did I say always? However… I’m not going to deny that it drains me. Depresses me. Sucks the energy out of me. I know I’m not perfect and not every day is going to be full of positive energy and roses for me- those are the days when I look to my team (a.k.a. my friends and family) to help pick me up. I’m sure I suck the life out of them sometimes too. This is why one of my resolutions in 2013 is to be a more positive and happy person. I fully believe in the book The Secret (and you should read it if you haven’t)- it teaches the power of positive thinking and how by being positive, good things are naturally attracted to you.

There you have it, my top five energy suckers.

So tell me, what daily things suck the life and energy out of you every day? How do you fight back? 

We are making sure that Jack is learning the important things…

Do you have a Wordless Wednesday post you want to share? Let’s link up! 

We always thought we wanted 2 kids. The perfect little family.

The longer it takes to conceive #2 the more and more we are talking ourselves out of it.

Our friend’s beautiful baby boy.

We got the chance to visit our friends over the weekend and meet their adopted newborn baby. He is so adorable with big huge eyes and sweet heart-shaped nostrils. I got that familiar rush of baby fever. I loved listening to all of their stories and hearing all about their process. Most importantly, I loved the look on their faces: that sheer utter new parent bliss. In my head I was thinking… wow. I wonder what it would be like to have a newborn without the postpartum stuff. She can sit. Anywhere. She can bend over to pick baby up out of the crib without that shooting pain from the epidural spot. She’s not crying every two minutes over absolutely nothing. Sounds amazing. Can I do it that way next time? She even confessed that things were going great and that the transition was relatively easy- and it was likely because she’s not having to physically recover from childbirth. They are going to be such wonderful parents and I am so over the moon for them!

I was around 8 months preggo here.

I have this love/hate feeling over the whole pregnancy/childbirth experience. I loved when I was midway through my pregnancy and I had the perfect bump. Just big enough to say “Yes, I’m pregnant, stop staring at me,” and small enough not to feel as though I could topple over at any moment. I loved the feeling of the human person growing inside of me and feeling so incredibly protective over him. I loved that only my husband and I knew his name and talked to him as though he had already arrived. I LOVED feeling his kicks. I didn’t love the morning sickness (evening for me actually) which plagued me for 25, YES 25 @$##@$ weeks. I didn’t love that my weight creeped up 30lbs despite the fact that I was puking my brains out every night. I didn’t love the weird taste in my mouth that made everything taste funny. I didn’t love heartburn and reflux. I didn’t love the fact that my blood pressure was creeping up dangerously high and I was at risk for pre-eclampsia by week 30 and had to go in for checkups every week and in the last 3 weeks, I was going to the doctor twice a week (thank god for a great boss who took pity on me who was more concerned about my health and the health of the baby than what hours I was punching on the clock). I didn’t care for the fact that I could barely walk.

Funny thing is. I didn’t mind childbirth. Once I got the epidural, I was in wonderland. Meeting my son for the first time was the most amazing experience of my life. I didn’t care for the 6 weeks of postpartum recovery. As a matter of fact… that was worse than everything else. I do feel a little bad for even remotely complaining about any of this stuff seeing as I had to deal with several years of infertility as did many close friends of mine. Regardless, having a baby isn’t a cake walk and trying to convince yourself otherwise doesn’t make it all better.

Would I do it all again? Yup. In a heartbeat.

My Big Boy.

So why the indecision? The older and more independent Jack gets, the less we want to have a small baby in the house again. Part of me feels like it would be easier the 2nd time around- since I already had the experience, it wouldn’t be as challenging (ha!). The other part of me feels like we keep saying “When Jack gets older we will…” He’s getting older and we are now able to do a lot of the things we have longed to do with our child. I feel like he should have a sibling, yet I think he would do just fine as an only child. Childcare is expensive, we worry how we would pay for two kids in daycare. We worry how we would pay for two college educations. Yet… there is that little voice in the back of my mind that says to keep trying.

I’m not getting any younger. I turn 35 in a few months which is supposedly like the dreaded “deadline” age for childbearing (which is funny because I take 10 times better care of myself than I did 10 years ago…). For now, we are compromising. 2012 is our deadline. If we are not pregnant by then, we will be done and more than content with moving forward with just our beautiful boy.


How did you make the decision to have or not to have more children?