Mixed Bag Of Rant

I am now 3 months into my new job and still very much still the “New Girl”.

I’m not sure when I will shed this title, but I long for the day it will go away. While I am no longer crying my eyes out when I get home, I am still in that phase where I feel uncomfortable and… stupid. I’m surrounded by people who have worked for the company for a decade or more so they are all very knowledgeable and know just about everybody.

Most days I am able to take being the new girl in stride. I use it as an excuse for some of my incompetence; however, I also use it as an opportunity to create how I want to be viewed as a professional within the organization. It’s exhausting. I often wish I could fast forward to a year from now when I know I will feel much more confident, competent and happy.

I am in that place where I am wondering if this is the right position for my skills. I feel as though the position was created to dump the busy work that my colleague hated onto someone else. Trust me, I get it. I did the same thing at my last job when someone new was hired to help the team. I confess. I gave her all my garbage work. So as the new girl, I kind of have to accept my lot and pray that these duties get shipped off to another world. The rest is just waiting. I hear a lot of, “You are going to own this in the future,” and, “You will be responsible for that eventually.” WHEN, I ask. WHEN??!!

I also dislike working in Downtown Minneapolis. I have heard from many that you either love it or hate it and I am sad to say that after a few months (not to mention an upcoming winter looming ahead) that I am leaning closer and closer to the hate side. While I sometimes enjoy my 30 minutes of glazed eyed zoning that takes place on the bus every day, I also dislike many other humans. Particularly those with bad breath, bad odor and uncontrollable bodily functions. I even had a girl fall asleep ON me last week. If you know me well enough, you know I have issues with personal space. I like my bubble. I dislike sharing that bubble with strangers. I miss being able to run errands in the middle of the day. Yes, there is a Target here in downtown; however, I am limited in space. I am not going to be able to carry loads of Christmas gifts and toys onto the bus. I miss being able to go to Medifast for a weigh in over lunch. I miss the MALL. OH god how I miss going to the mall. I often feel trapped when I am down here as though I am stuck here until that 4pm bell rings and I can escape back to my real world. For about a week, I felt incredibly cool walking among the corporate elite but now? I’m just annoyed by it. I long for someone to meet for lunch. I long to find a way to make this feel right.

I know it is early in this job and I seem to be asking a lot. I know I sound whiny.

I am.

Change is freaking hard and this was a big one. I wish I was adjusting better. No, I’m not giving up. I am one of those people who when they make a commitment, they stick it out for better or for worse. I don’t feel like this was the worst decision I have ever made. The work I am doing is adding a skill set to my resume that was lacking.

I just need to learn to be patient. I need to see this thing through and know that I am not going to feel like the new girl forever. A year from now I’ll look back and chuckle at it and WISH that I was the new girl again knowing that I will be bogged down in a pile of work.

Today was one of THOSE days. Here is my story:

As I am getting ready for work this morning, around 6:20am I heard the rumble of thunder. I kicked it into high gear as I knew a larger crack of thunder would awaken my sweetly sleeping nearly 4 year old. I wasn’t fast enough. I was caught. Child did not want me to leave. Cue immense mom guilt.

In the torrential rain, I made my way to the bus transit station. Firstly, they need to work on the cracks in this structure. Even parked in a ramp, the leaky structure was spewing water everywhere. They also need to figure out a drainage system because my cutely skirted, high-heeled self was ankle deep in water crossing the road.

Drenched, I made it to the bus. I walked on, briefly turned to close my umbrella and completely and utterly biffed it. As in feet out from under me, not the least bit graceful, biffed it. Injured, both mentally and physically, I made my way to the far back of the bus where I could hide my head in embarrassed shame.

Still raining, I reach my destination. My adorable shoes squishing and my injured leg pounding, I made my way through the skyway to avoid any further rain mishaps. I get to my new dime-sized cube and realize, my skirt has twisted sideways, I had put my rings on the wrong fingers and my hair was a complete disaster. Did I mention they haven’t really figured out the temperature on my new floor? Not only am I drenched, but I am now freezing.

You would think I would have the smarts to stay put. But no. I venture out into the great big city for a Target run as my hair was in desperation for a band, I was out of gum and embarrassingly enough, needed to buy a product that puts the fear in any consumer. Thank god for Target downtown and their self-checkout lanes. Nobody had to witness my embarrassing purchase. That was until two young gals obviously up to no good set off the store alarm at the same moment I walked through. In that mortifying moment I had to produce my receipt and show my goods. On the walk of shame back to my office, I did what any food addict does and stopped for lunch at Erbert & Gerbert’s. I guess I could have made worse choices, but nonetheless, 700 calories later, I continue to pile on the shame.

So, here I sit, praying that I have no more horrific moments. Praying that the sun will stay out until I am safely back at home. Praying I remember the huge metal thing under my desk so I can stop whacking my knee on it every time I cross my legs. Praying nobody is watching me blog when I should be working. Praying the thunderstorm threat for this evening will fizzle and we’ll all get a good night’s sleep.

There is good on the horizon. I am 10 days from my dream family vacation to Disney! Despite some deeply seated fears that my child will throw a tantrum on the airplane and we’ll have to be removed, I am beyond excited. Not only is this my child’s first trip to Disney, but it is my husband’s as well. I seriously cannot wait to see the look on both of their faces when they see that castle for the first time. My husband has many more fears than I do about the trip that include my above-mentioned fear of an airplane temper tantrum but also hurricanes and theft. LOL. The threat of a hurricane in the next 15 days appears to be minimal, so I am not worried about weather in the least. Yes, it will be hot. Yes, we will get tired. I. Don’t. Care. I am going to do everything I can to stay positive and light-hearted about our first “real” family vacation.

Despite my overly embarrassing day, I am staying positive. I mean, how much worse can it get??

Me in my new cube.

Yes, my blog has been neglected. Yes, I have a good excuse.

I started a new job on July 2nd. The first week was… interesting. I went from scared and miserable to feeling like everything was going to be okay. Fast forward three weeks later: everything is AWEsome. The first week jitters were short-lived as was the lack for work and projects. In just my 2nd week on the job, I was brought in to consult on a very visible corporate initiative. I’m excited for the opportunity but confess I feel like I’m sort of a lost puppy. I went from a small-company world where I had control to this large-company world with policies and procedures for everything. While daunting, I am determined to make a valuable impact.

I have also very much embraced the Downtown Minneapolis working world. I’ve discovered some yummy skyway eats and treats and I fell in love with Thursday’s Farmer’s Market. I also confess that I love taking the bus. The transit station is about 15 minutes from my house, and it cuts my total commute time by about half. The people who ride are about as normal as people come and it drops me off and picks me up just a block or two from my office. My bus and Downtown life annoyances are a post for another day.

One of the things I have loved the most about my new gig is the opportunity to “reinvent” myself. If I ever wore dresses or skirts at my last job it was an indication of a job interview or trying to “impress” someone. Here? It is the norm for most people (perhaps a large corporate office thing?). It has been hotter than the sun lately and it has been so nice to wear cute cotton dresses and fun skirts. I feel comfortable, pretty and important! Did I mention the Ann Taylor store in my building??

There are still many adjustments I am making. I start later and get home later. I am now in charge of dropping off the kidlet in the morning as opposed to picking him up which as most of you mommies (and daddies too) know is really the shitty part of the bargain. Is there anything worse than having to bolt from your sad child because they don’t want you to leave? Or is there anything worse than their being totally indifferent (doesn’t he MISS me??). Since I now get home later, we are also eating dinner later. We have started keeping the kiddo up an extra half hour so I can make sure to muster up all the quality time I can. Dishes stay undone until after his bedtime. DVR shows go unwatched. I worry that these “changes” will have a negative effect on him. He’s been sleeping like crap lately. Is it my fault? So, despite the awesomeness that is my new job, there is a significant level of guilt involved in accepting it. Guilt over choosing my career over my child. Guilt for putting the impetus of making dinner and childcare post-work on my husband. I’m sure this guilty feeling will get better in time. My new company is shockingly flexible and actually cares about work/life balance. It has taken some getting used to coming and going as I please and I still am afraid to push that envelope. It was such a point of contention at my last job- it’s hard to shake yourself of that brainwashing. I know in time, this will be our new way of life. It will just take some time to adjust.

Speaking of the new me… I am in my 3rd week of transition with Medifast and it is going well. I have been able to add vegetables, fruit and dairy back into my diet. Did I mention how happy I am about the fruit? Fruit has been a go-to healthy snack for me all my years on Weight Watchers, so getting the A-OK to start eating it again has been nice. I don’t feel compelled to grab other naughty snacks, because having a banana is truly a treat for me! I thought I’d be really pumped for dairy, but strangely haven’t been compelled to add that much of it back into my diet. So far, so good my weight has held steady fluctuating between 151 – 153. The great part about transition and maintenance? No more freaking out over the scale. No more beating myself up over the numbers. I’m not saying keeping the weight off will be easy, I just finally don’t feel so stressed out over it anymore. I’m in a good place. I’m happy. It’s weird to start this job in this body. Nobody here knows me any other way. While I enjoyed my former colleagues seeing my transition, it is nice to know that this is the way people expect me to be. By setting my healthy standard from the beginning, I know people don’t expect me to be any other way and I don’t feel guilty for saying no to treats. 

So yes, this is the new me. I am really proud of all that I have accomplished in 2012!!