Mixed Bag Of Rant

I know for some, they say GOOD RIDDANCE to 2012. Even within my own family, there has been much sadness and heartache. Before I tell you how kick ass my year was, I want those who have had struggles to know that my heart is with you and I hope 2013 is a bigger and better year.

I’ll start out by saying, my 2012 wasn’t without some sadness. Most recently, I had to bid a final farewell to my fertility and had any hopes of a 2nd baby dashed away in what seems like just a moment. I shed many tears, I went through my anger over my situation and now… I simply accept it. I have never been one to dwell on my hardships and I am not about to start now!

The rest of 2012 was beyond amazing for me. Here are the highlights and my 2013 resolutions:

1. I MADE MY GOAL WEIGHT!! This… there are no words. This achievement is one that I had dreamed about for years. I have Medifast to thank for getting me there and am PROUD PROUD PROUD to say I have been in maintenance for 6 months without any significant gains. Obviously my top resolution for 2013 is to keep the weight off which as I have learned is no easy task. But to those who didn’t believe I could do it? Or thought that I would gain it all back? THIS:

2. I am a full-fledged RUNNER. I am actually really proud to say these words. Why? Because who the fuck likes to run? ME! That’s who! I never thought in a million years I would call myself a runner, but here I am, training for a 7K and a 10K this year and it isn’t torture. I love it. I love the runner’s high. I love the sense of accomplishment it gives me. I love being able to use the time to work out my stress. I love that it gives me focus. The runner’s body isn’t a bad trade off either! It wouldn’t be a new year without a resolution to keep my new body in shape and continue to push the limits on my running to be an even better, healthier me.

3. My FAMILY. I had a few key moments this year within my little three-person family.

• The first of which happened when my husband was out of town on his man trip. I had just quit my job of 5 years, was on a week-long work hiatus between jobs and was suddenly very overwhelmed by the love I had for my son. Don’t get me wrong. I have always loved the kid. But let’s face it, being a mom is stressful and hard. I realized I had been focusing too much on the “hard” parts. The bedtime battles. The illnesses. The bad reports from school. When it was just the two of us all week, rather than complain about how much “work” he was, I enjoyed every single solitary second of it just being us. I stayed longer when putting him to bed, even if I didn’t have to. We played outside every night after school. We strengthened our bond. Yes, there are still tough times, but I now let the good override the bad. My resolution for 2013 is to continue to strengthen our bond and enjoy every moment, even the not so good ones. 
• The second moment is the renewed strength in my marriage. I had some strange moments of clarity this holiday season that forced me to look at myself differently. My outside has changed, but it took me awhile to allow myself to change and be happy on the inside, too. I didn’t even realize I was doing it, but I had been pushing my husband away for years, especially since Jackson had been born. We have been together for over a decade now, and like most couples, it was bound to reach a place where our marriage was maybe a little stagnant and boring. With this renewed sense of clarity and reason, I began to open my heart up to him again. I started focusing less on everything I thought he was doing wrong, and chose to be kinder, nicer. Thank him for all the things he is doing right. We have never been better- almost feels like the early days when we first started dating. We’re having so much fun together and I love every ounce of him and our marriage. It is a resolution in 2013 to keep our marriage fun and alive. 
• In a defining moment, my brother and his wife made me a Godmother to their son Connor. I am so honored that they chose me as I know they had a lot of choices. I know they chose me for many reasons, but topping the list was the opportunity to have a special relationship with my nephew since I wouldn’t be able to have another. It is one of my resolutions to spend more time with him in 2013. 

My sweet boy who still likes to snuggle with his mama

My awesome husband

My Godson, Connor

• I no longer feel like a total idiot. I still have a lot of learning to do before I feel like I am making a true impact within my job and my team, but that kind of stuff can take years to develop. Importantly, I feel confident and secure in my future with the company. 
• I no longer hate working downtown! Yes, there are days I get irritated with my commute and the people on the bus (especially the guy who fell asleep ON me one day. Not even kidding.) but, I’m sure no matter where I work, there will be annoyances. I have discovered some balance between taking the bus and driving. I have made friends with the workers at the Caribou Coffee in my building. I LOVE the Farmer’s Market and am longing for spring to arrive so I can wander Nicollet Mall. 
• I have made friends. This is one of the important parts of a job. Seriously. How much does it suck to go to a place day in and day out and have nobody to chat with?? Oh and I’m a first class chatterbox so this NEEDED to happen! 
• I have bit of flexibility. While I can’t do it all the time by any measure, I do have the ability to work from home. I am able to attend all of Jack’s school functions guilt free and still be able to keep up with my work. It is wonderful and I’m so grateful for the trust and opportunity. 

1st week at new job. Cubeville.

5. I renewed old friendships and began new ones. Most of my dearest friends I have had for close to 20 years. Holy shit. That’s a long time. It’s also proof that they are true friendships that have stood the test of time- including my having a baby (I’m really the only one of my friends that has a kid). I have really made it my goal to spend more time with them. My women friends are important to me! Spending time with them has made my year that much more exciting. I also met so many fantastic people through work and especially online. I feel like I have surrounded myself with positive people who lift me up and push me to the next level. People who make me look at things differently and provide me with ridiculous amounts of inspiration. Thank you friends for making my 2012 one of the best years ever! I vow to spend more time with all of you in 2013 and make a bigger and better effort to be the best friend I can be.

Me and My Ladies Celebrating NYE last night

My bestie of nearly 20 years

My friend Angie- also a friend of nearly 20 years.

My sister-in-law and friend (and concert buddy)

Sister, Sister in Law- my friends

Before I begin this post, I want to explain why I am sharing this extremely personal experience with the entire universe. I feel like infertility is a taboo subject. Most women find it too personal and too painful to talk about. I feel that way too in many ways, but I also want other women who may be going through the same thing to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We don’t have to suffer in silence. We have each other.

I went in for my annual appointment with my OB. For most women this is a routine annoyance in their day. The appointment that every woman hates. Go ahead, ladies. Tell me you actually ENJOY this appointment!

This appointment was far from routine for me. I knew I was going to ask her about having another baby. I knew the answer may not be what I want to hear. I was on edge. My blood pressure was through the roof. I was nervous.

So I got around to telling my doc that we really want to have a second baby and I literally LOL’d when she said, “So what do you want to do, wing it?” Ummmm… Let’s see. It took 2.5 years to conceive Jackson. We have been trying on and off for FOUR YEARS for this one. I think I’ve been winging it long enough. Not to mention, this woman did surgery on me. Took my tube. Took my ovary. I’m thirty freaking six years old. There will be no winging it for me. She kind of apologized and said she in no way sees me as 36 with limited years of fertility left (if any). Which I guess is a compliment? Thanks for not calling me an old hag? I’ll take it.

I will spare you the details of the exam, but I will tell you, the results were not entirely good. My remaining ovary is swollen. I have tenderness. What does that mean? It means the endo is winning. So what happens next? My OB will do the baseline studies to check and see if I have a viable ovary. I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week to make sure that my remaining ovary does not have a growing endometrioma (ovarian cyst). If I do? It’s game over. My ovary will likely need to be removed and I will need to proceed with a full hysterectomy.

If everything looks okay, then we will move to the next phase which consists of a follicle study which is basically a series of ultrasounds to see if my ovary is functioning correctly leading up to ovulation. If all looks good, we will schedule a lap surgery to remove any endo and I will then be referred to a fertility specialist to proceed with IVF.

If it seems like a lot to go through, you’re right. It is. Then why? In a promise to myself, I want to live my life without regret. I know if I don’t take the steps to try and complete our family, I will always wonder, what if?  I have to try.

Even if I end up without a baby, I will know in my heart I did everything I could. Plus, I will feel good about taking control of my own health. Pushing my doctors to use their knowledge to find a solution. Not settling for the answer “You’ll just have to live with it.” That isn’t good enough for me.

So until I get a more definitive answer, I will continue to stay positive and keep the faith.